Wonder twin accomplishments

D's first day of preschool!!!!!! He and his buddy had to compare lunch bags. Friend he met in the parking lot: "Was dat?"

D:"Das Diego"

Friend: "Pida Man"

D with his teacher, Miss Stacy. She also happens to be my best friend and the only reason I am able to let my baby boy go to school so soon!

Berny can stand if he is leaning on something! Woohoo! Keep fighting little man.

Please watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvPk_qyojxE

Guest Blogger

I read this yesterday and felt it so well summed up feelings that I have had that I would share it. What do you guys think?
http://gillispiefam.blogspot.com/2007/08/not-exactly-ethicsbut-still-on-my-heart.html

Catching up

We interrupt this deeply philosophical discussion to bring you this update from recent days. Stay tuned to the blog. Your regularly scheduled dose of Heather's overthinking, analytical brain dumps will return after these pcitures.

Fun at the lake with great friends!

Berny thoroughly enjoying his bagel and cream cheese.

G's face when he first saw his dirtbike.

Then came, the "how tough am I?" face. How cute is my little man????

Madi has learned to lope bare back.

The girls were SOOOO excited for their first day of school! Mommy cried and they had a blast. The cutting of the apron strings has begun ):
Wonder twin powers......ACTIVATE!

OK, I don't care who you are, this is just plain funny. (Don't worry people - it's root beer.) We recently recieved this picture of Skyline with her parents in Haiti. These are the moments we live for - healthy babies and families reunited!

Un-Blessed Thoughts part 1

http://manymanyblessings.blogspot.com/2007/06/suffering.html


Some of my thoughts on this have already been expressed in the above linked post. So, I will try to build on what was said there. My thoughts on this jump around quite a bit so hang in there with me.


First I will address the issue as it relates to Christians. I know some people think that once you become a follower of Christ that all your problems dissolve into a puddle on the floor and you walk off into the sunset together, but you and I both know that isn't the case. There is the walking together part although sometimes you head into the storm, not the sunset.

So, I guess the first thing that occurs to me is that the times in my life when things aren't going well are times when I seek God all the more. I seek Him for answers to the questions we all have. Why? For how long? For what greater good? Did I do something wrong? What are you trying to teach me? Those questions and many more race through my mind when things go bad in my life. But more than answers, I seek Him for comfort. I want to go sit at His feet and be reminded of the truths that I know. He is good. He loves me. He will never leave me or forsake me. I am then led to the realization that when I am suffering I am still so blessed! I have my saviour to love and comfort me. I have the hope of perfect eternity with him.

Next my thoughts turn again to the glorification of God. I spoke earlier of giving God the glory when I am blessed. The blessing holds little meaning if I don't use it to point others to Him. But what of the hard times? I suppose people could look at them and say that my God is not trustworthy. Jay has been in constant, and often agonizing pain since the Spring of 1999. I couldn't begin to guess the number of times we have asked God to take that pain away and heal him. I have struggled most of my life with bouts of depression that have nearly killed me. In fact at my lowest I have asked Him to take my life just so that the struggle against it could end. Has God healed Jay? No. Am I depression free? No. Is God able to heal us? Yes. So why doesn't He? One answer may be found in Matthew 9:1-5

So He got into the boat, crossed over and came to His own city. And behold they brought to Him a paralytic lying on a bed. And Jesus, seeing their faith said to the paralytic, "Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you." And at once some of the scribes said within themsleves, "This man blasphemes!" But Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said, "Why do you think evil in your hearts? For which is easier, to say 'Your sins are forgiven you' or to say, 'Arise and walk'?"

Certainly Jesus could've walked up to the man and instantly healed his physical body (and if you read on you see that ultimately he does). We need only look back one chapter to know this. Jesus had been in the business of healing. But in this case He chooses a different road. I think it is interesting to note that verse 2 says, "seeing their faith". It feels to me as though since they had a certain amount of faith already Jesus felt they were ready for the next step. Sure, they knew the alphabet, but could they read? And so when He proclaims the mans sins forgiven what happens? Indignation. Yet had not Jesus given the man all he needed? In fact, if He had healed his legs and neglected to forgive him his sins wouldn't his plight have been just as pitiable. No, more so. So, in my lowest moments, knowing that I am forgiven and that God is with me is all I need. Now, getting back to God's glory. If others see me in a seemingly desperate situation and yet I have joy, God gets glory. If everything about my physical circumstance seems unbearable and yet I testify to the peace I have in resting in Him, God gets glory. If I am in the pits of depression and can do nothing but weep, yet acknowledge that this life is only a passing moment and I can still hope in the fact that one day I will shed this flawed body and be forever healed, God gets glory. And would He get the glory if my earthly, physical body were healed. Of course. But which is harder. To instantly heal me, or to be able to sustain me in the midst of my trial?

I am entering a state of rambling so I guess I will post this and save some thoughts for later.

Not feeling blessed?

OK, so now that we have covered all that ground my mind turns to those who are not feeling blessed. What meaning does suffering have in light of God's glory? Let's all ponder that for a while and I'll try to put my thoughts together on it for a later post.

My Answer

A couple of random thoughts first:

1. A spiritual lesson learned through parenting. (Seriously, how does anyone learn anything about God without having kids????) It hurts my feelings when I think my kids only want the "stuff" I can give them and not just me. For example if I leave for a trip and the last thing out of one of their mouths is, "will you bring me something?" I mean, I know it is a normal kid thing, but won't it be enough to just have the awesomeness of me back in your life?? (hehehe)


2. And another. I, as a Mom, cannot really be around my kids, enjoying their company, soaking in their every special little quirk and gift without showering them with hugs and kisses and the occassional chocolate chip cookie. The wonder of them causes me to love them with wreckless abandon. God has that kind of wild and passionate love for us. He delights in blessing us and watching us enjoy His presents and His presence. Forgive the silly word play.

But really it all boils down to this: (For me anyway)

Would the gifts of God really feel at all special or good without Him to thank? When I really stop to think about it, the gifts He gives are amazing only because they are from Him, not simply because they are. My blog is named Many Many Blessings because that is how I feel most of the time. My husband, my children, my life, are all gifts that I do not take for granted, but they would hold less meaning if they were just some random occurrence in a universe set adrift. I'm imagining the UPS man arriving at my door right now. I see the brown truck through the glass in the door and enjoy the anticipation of what wonderful package it could be. I open the door and he hands over a small box. I sign and rush inside to open it. Inside are the most beautiful diamond earrings I have ever seen. There is no card. No return address. Do I like the earrings? Yes. Would they hold more meaning if I knew who sent them? Yes. Would they hold the most meaning if I knew they were from Jay, the love of my life? ABSOLUTELY! So, next time I go out with my girlfriends I wear them and Stacy says, "AHHH, those are beautiful!"

"Thanks, they came in the mail."

"Oh, that's nice. Kind of weird and random, but nice."

OR...

Stacy, "Ahhh, those are beautiful!"

"Thanks, Jay gave them to me. Isn't he the best husband ever?"

"Girl, you are so lucky! Man, he sure does spoil you! Could you get him to talk to my husband?"
And this leads me to my next thought. The whole point of it all is to point those around us back to God. His gifts should cause us to praise Him which leads to His glorification. THAT is what makes the gift enjoyable. We get to brag on our God. We get to tell people how wonderful He is and how much He loves us. If Jay gave me the earrings and said I should keep them in the box and never wear them it would take all the joy out of bragging about having the best husband in the world!

So, this whole blog is really about bragging on God. He has abundantly blessed me and I did nothing to deserve any of it. He chose to love me when I was still bound and determined to sin against Him. He is the most gracious, loving saviour. His love is limitless and His wisdom is absolute, so His plans for me are perfect. I love Him. I would never, ever want to be outside His presence even if I were surrounded by all His presents. Again, sorry - I am a dufus when it comes to wording(:


Listen to Martyr's Song by Todd Agnew : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/20878595

Song to help you ponder the question

Listen to If You Wanted Me by Todd Agnew : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/20878590

Question...

Been reading "Desiring God" and last night read this question, "Would you want to go to Heaven if God were not there, only His gifts?" Don't answer quickly. Think about it. I have been. I'll give you my thoughts on it later (if you care).

Safe in Daddy's Grip

God is such a faithful teacher. I know when I am trying to teach my kids something I tend to get very frustrated if I have to explain it more than two or three times. Or if it is a behavioural or obedience issue I get more than frustrated. I get just plain mad. "How many times do I have to tell you..." I am so glad God is more patient, more loving, and more tenacious than I. There are also times when I am teaching my kids that I decide it is time to put away the workbooks. We need to do some exploring and discovering. We need to have a question and answer session. I need to show them and just let them watch and see how it is done. This is, I believe, where God has me right now. I may not have a pile of work(book pages) to show for it, but I am learning. I am watching my saviour. I am letting Him talk. He is letting me ask questions. I haven't had the thrill of accomplishment or the anticipation of going on assignment, but I have had the joy of feeling His presence. I have felt His enduring love and forgiveness. For some things I have become content to know that I don't know. I am at peace to just know that HE knows. How is it that being in the Lord's presence has, simultaneously, the ability to humble and lift me up? in His presence I feel amazed that He has chosen to love me and I ask Him - OFTEN!- why He would seek and save such a mess. And then I feel the Fatherly reassurance of His love, and the glory of that moment is so overpowering and mighty that I think I could accomplish anything for Him, and would be forever willing to try. I have no idea what is on the horizon. I am not in the mood to guess. I am perfectly at peace following my Teacher/Father/Saviour and grinning in the knowledge that it will be GOOD as only He can make it!

Listen to Who You Are (Recollection Album Version) (1998 Digital Remaster) by Nichole Nordeman : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/19479627

13 Years!

This Saturday August 11th will mark 13 years that I have been married to the absolute best husband on the planet. It is hard for me to put into words the depth of love I have for this man. I met him when I was 13 years old on a youth group mission trip. I came home and wrote in my diary that I had met the boy I wanted to marry. It took him a few more years to come to the same conclusion about me! But on July 2nd 1993 he took me to the top of Lookout Mountain, TN (where we had sneakily first held hands five years earlier) and asked me to be his wife. On August 11th, 1994 at the naive age of almost 20 and 22 we pledged our love and devotion for better or worse. I thought it would be impossible for me to love Jay anymore than I did on that day, but as I have come to know him as a husband, a father to our children, and a man following hard after God, I have come to love him so much more deeply and intimately. He has earned my respect and devotion completely. Our love is a beautiful gift from God, and I am so grateful! I wouldn't want to be doing this thing called life with anyone else by my side. Jay, you make me want to fly...

Listen to Fly by Sara Groves : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/13706101

Back To Life

Let me catch you up. Thursday night, July 26th I dropped Berny off with Vanessa and Friday we packed the van and headed to Williamsburg for vacation. My parents have a time share there and so we met spent the week with them, my sister, and her fiance. It was so wonderful, restful (in an exhausting sort of way) and fun. We saw colonial Williamsburg and the Jamestown colony. The kids enjoyed them more than I expected and Gespecially enjoyed talking to the guy making arrows and arrowheads. We spent two days at Busch Gardens and two days at Water Country. It was so fun. We rode roller coasters and water slides to our hearts content. It was one of those great memory making kind of vacations that we will all enjoy reminiscing about. The Saturday after we arrived we celebrated Jay's 35th birthday and D's 3rd. All in all it was a perfect week.





Then we got home. We arrived home to a washed out bridge due to a huge rain storm so the horses were stranded on one side of the pasture, a broken HVAC unit which meant our upstairs was around 100 degrees, and a possible flea infestation since the neighbor girl who was feeding the animals accidentally let the outside cat IN and she really enjoyed sleeping on squishy beds. Back to life, back to reality...
So, perhaps I will write more when I have recovered!

Mid Summer Ramblings

Hang in there with me. I've got alot going on in my head right now. First of all, who ever said summer was for relaxing?? I am exhausted! To start, just when we had sent Sky back home and decided we needed to "circle the wagons" for a while we get the call about Berny. He has always had a special place in our hearts so there was really no doubt about who would host him. Then came the cousins for two weeks. Mixed in are orthodontic appointments for Madiboo, follow-ups for Berny, and Jay and I both teaching at Vacation Bible School. I am actually sitting down right now for the first time in months, well ok maybe just minutes, but it seems like I am constantly moving lately. Which is why I think I am just now starting to process some emotional stuff that has come along with all of this craziness. Here goes my brain dump:



Since Berny is here our trip to Haiti is completely up in the air. It seems to make sense financially to wait until he is ready to go home or we just end up paying twice. Plus the thought of leaving ALL 5 kids with my Mom just seems like cruel and unusual punishment - and I kinda like her. I am just now getting to be somewhat sad about it. I was planning to go in January of this year and ended up not being able to and now this trip is uncertain. It's hard for me because each time I think that I am supposed to go and that God has something for me there something happens to stop it. Is it the enemy trying to keep me away? Is God just working on my flexibility? I recently read this post http://makefunofyourday.blogspot.com/2007/07/to-sacrifice-or-obey.html on Angela's blog and it seems to be where I am. In fact not just with Haiti trips. Earlier in the year I was beginning to feel that we would always be a homeschool only family. I was starting to gain confidence in it. Now I am preparing to send my girls to school in a month. Don't even get me started on all the emotions that are wrapped up in that one. I had started to wonder if we were meant to adopt D's brothers, and now I am feeling very removed from the whole idea. It's not that I actually have heard from the Lord either way, I'm just so BUSY that I can't even think about it right now. I'm not in the Word like I should be, but honestly I don't know when I will get time. Just in writing this much I have been up and down atleast six times to change a diaper, get a snack for the kids, put a movie in, break up a fight, answer the phone etc. etc. Still I know that God is in control and that He will guide me. Even when I don't know where we are going, He does. And even when I can't see the next step He already has it in place. I'm clinging to that truth right now, and in the meantime I am loving all the kids and cleaning the house "as unto the Lord", and that is the best I can do. Perhaps on vaction next week I will be able to get quiet enough with the Lord to give Him time to fill me in on what He's doing(:

For a Friend

I have recently been talking to a friend alot about what I believe as a Christian. I am not good at evangelism in the sense that I struggle with trying to convince someone of something. Still I managed to send an email that outlined what you must do in order to have a relationship with God. I hope it conveyed all the love God has for them. I wanted to add these songs. Often God uses music to touch my heart and these made me think of this friend. If you are reading this, secret friend, then these songs are for you. The depth of God's love for you is indescribable, but I hope you can feel it.








Listen to What If (Brave Album Version) by Nichole Nordeman : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/19479622



Listen to Why? (Recollection Album Version) (2000 Digital Remaster) by Nichole Nordeman : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/19479625

Craziness continued...

Madiboo and Sunshine dressed for the family production of "The Snobby Sisters". The musical score is devastatingly powerful and we expect a long run on Broadway.

Madiboo and Randal on Rodeo.

Sunshine and Duchess are a beautiful team.

The gang.

Summer craziness!

Now you see why I have no time to write! 7 kids( my four plus visiting cousins from CT plus Berny), a national holiday, fun at the lake - endless chaos(: I LOVE my life!

Berny update and Tagged by Corey

OK, first off I wanted to let you all know that Berny is doing well. He is moving his legs - ever so slightly, but still - just a week ago they were nothing but jelly! He is getting more comfortable with us and so we see lots more smiles and silliness and... lots more tantrums - he is two after all(: He is a fiesty little thing who is willing to pick a fight with D over a toy even though he is basically completely incapacitated!

So, next item on the agenda: Corey (see list of blogs to the right) has tagged me. Here goes...

Five things I was doing 10 years ago:

1. Telling people, as I parented ONE very easy going child, that this parenting thing was really a breeze. OK God, you made your point. I'm officially humbled.

2. Driving a vehicle without the word "van" in its description.

3. Living in Sacramento, CA and loving getting to see the west coast, but missing my green Virginia mountains.

4. Teaching a fourth grade Sunday school class - BIG mistake...BIG!

5. Discovering the call for adoption on our lives.

Five snacks I enjoy:

1. Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream.

2. Popcorn - the really buttery, bad for you kind.

3. Celery sticks with peanut butter in them.

4. Funnel cake, with chocolate sauce and powdered sugar - NOT fruit - duh!

5. Coffee - pretty much any kind, with lots of cream and sugar.

Five songs I know the lyrics to:

1. My True Companion by Marc Cohn (Jay and my's song since forever)

2 Little Bit of Life by Craig Morgan (our family theme song)

3. The entire Veggie Tales Greatest Hits CD, including the Japanese version of "Where is my Hairbrush" Domo, Domo(:

4. Amazing Grace

5. Southland in the Springtime by the Indigo Girls

Five things I would do if I was a millionaire:

1. Pay off all my debt, including house!

2. Adopt a couple more kids.

3. Tell my Mom to quit work.

4. Support a whole buncha more missionaries.

5. Give my sister the wedding of her dreams.

Five bad habits:

1. Making drastic decisions when I am bored - moving, cutting off all my hair, getting a dog etc. Although, if it turns out well do you call it a "bad" habit?

2. Licking/nibbling on my lips.

3. Picking at the hang nails around my thumbs.

4. Starting too many projects at one time.

5. Talking before I think.

Five things I like to do:

1. Read

2. Ride horses

3. Watch my kids play

4. Plant a garden

5. Check out my friend's blogs

Five things I would never wear again:

1. Leggings

2. Leg warmers

3. Tight rolled jeans

4. A side pony

5. Mini skirt

Five favorite toys:

1. The great outdoors! You know trees, hills, creeks - what WE played with when we were kids.

2. Almost anything by V tech - those people rock!

3. A soccer ball.

4. A bike.

5. My daughters WII (: Loads of fun for the whole family!

Five least favorite toys:

1. Guns, swords, and pretty much any weapon. I have resigned myself to the fact that boys must have these and if not given them will create them out of legos.

2. X Box - this is from the Devil.

3. Remote control cars. When the batteries aren't dead they are just plain annoying, under foot and frustrating. When the batteries are dead everyone can't remember how annoying they are and can't believe the batteries lasted such a short time...again with the frustrating.

4. Happy meal toys. I have no words.

5. Bratz - or prostitots as we call them.

Five people I'd like to tag:

I really don't think that five people who blog actually read my blog, but if you want to join in you can do so in the comments or let us know where your blog is. Perhaps I can meet some new people(:

Challenging truth

Great wisdom from a great man of God:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_DYdXiebTM&mode=related&search=



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITP3ucoCqLk&mode=related&search=

Miracle Boy!

Ok, not only was it a miracle that Berny was able to get out of Haiti before the paralysis went to his chest and he stopped breathing, but now he is wowing the doctors with his recovery time. They told us to expect atleast a 14 day hospital stay - he stayed 4. He came home with me yesterday. He is now moving both arms, can feed himself small pieces of food and can sit completely unassisted! God truly has His hand on this child!!

Quick update and prayer request

I don't have much time, but wanted to let you all know that our very first foster son, Berny, is back in the States with a diagnoses of Guillain - Barre Syndrome. God worked so many miracles to get him here and to provide the care he needed. Berny is now on the road to recovery, but will need months of physical therapy to gain back the use of his arms and legs. He will be staying with us during that time and we are happy to have our "first Haitian son" back in our lives. Please pray for a full and complete recovery quickly so that he can return to his loving family in Haiti! If you want to know more about Berny there is a bit of his story at the Angel Missions blog - www.angelmissionshaiti.blogspot.com

My Baby Sister

I was eleven years old when Emily was born. She was so cute and so funny and so spoiled by everyone. When she was six I left for college. When she was nine I got married and moved away. I missed so much of her growing up years and I was not there for her the way I wish I had been. She is now 21 and we have developed this beautiful friendship that is such a gift from the Lord. She has become such a mature woman in her walk with Him and I am so proud to be her sissy. Now for the big news... she is ENGAGED! I am so happy for her I could bust. Not just because of the importance of the moment, but because God has sent her an amazing man. He is so kind and so in love with the Lord, and so in love with my sister! He treats her like the princess we all know she is! Aside from planning my own, I have never been this close to wedding planning before. It is so fun to watch Em's face light up and see the joy this gift from God has brought to her life. Thank you Lord for cool blessings!

Suffering

Is suffering our calling? It was Christ's calling. Should we expect more, better, different. Maybe the latter if anything. And yet it seems our suffering is part of our brotherhood with Him. We "share" in His suffering and get closer to Him and others are drawn to Him. The sin and suffering in the world is often what makes people put up their walls against God. They claim this self preservation as "goodness". We are "good" and a "good" God would not allow this and that. How prideful are we? God who sent His Son - in fact ordained the slaughter of His son before the world began - has clearly said that there is a place for suffering. And HE is the only One who has been or ever will be GOOD! So, as I sit here and try to make sense of the suffering I have seen and have yet to see, but know will come, I wonder. I wonder how and why and if and when. I wonder where and who and what and then... I rest. I rest in Him. The almighty creator. The Alpha and Omega, beginning and end. My Maker, Sustainer, Redeemer and Friend. My sweet Prince of Peace.



"This suffering is all part of what God has called you to. Christ, who suffered for you, is your example. Follow in His steps."

1Peter 2:21 NLT



So, to all the "what would Jesus do" talk (which sort of annoys me, but I digress) we can say that He would suffer. He would not "pursue happiness" in it's colloquial sense. And are we not all going to suffer? Whether you know the Lord or not you will have awful stuff happen in your life. If you don't know the Lord your suffering is just suffering. It holds no purpose or meaning. If you know the Lord it is your opportunity to commune with your suffering saviour. To reflect on the amazing, glorious grace it took for him to suffer on your behalf. It is your chance to point others to Him. It is beautiful. It is...dare I say it... good.


Listen to Up To The Mountain (MLK Song) by Patty Griffin : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/19177072

The Enemy

I have been a Christian since I was 6 years old. I know that Satan is the enemy. Culturally though, we don't talk about him much or give him much credit for anything. Lately I have been trying to decide what exactly he can and can't do. It seems every time I set about to do something for the Lord things go wonky. Some examples: I decide I will do devotions with my kids first thing in the morning, and whammo the next morning somebody is sick. Or I start to think we should begin another adoption and for sure that day will be a horrible parenting day. The kids will drive me insane and I'll yell or something and think, how could I have more when I can't even handle the ones I have? I don't know if satan has anything to do with this stuff, but I do know that God is my shield and protection. So, I have been actually making myself say out loud, "Lord protect us from the enemy. Don't let us be intimidated by his pitiful tactics. Be our defender." Honestly, it feels awkward, but I do feel peaceful and strong when I just give everything back to God. So I end up glad I said it - like I just needed to get it out in the open. I know we wrestle not against flesh and blood! I don't want to give satan too much credit, but I also don't want to pretend like he doesn't exist "prowling around like a roaring lion looking for some victim to devour." 1Peter 5:8 NLT

I have often heard people say that if you are feeling opposition then you are probably headed in the right direction. I guess that is encouraging... in a scary sort of way(:

"Take a firm stand against him (the devil) and be strong in your faith."
1Peter 5:9

Haiti here we come!

For months Jay and I have been saying we need to get away. We toyed with the idea of a cruise or some all inclusive type resort where we never had to lift a finger or plan a single moment. It sounded all well and good, but just felt so...I don't know, indulgent maybe. Plus, we couldn't get this picture (http://travel.nytimes.com/2007/02/16/world/americas/16haiti.html) out of our heads. So the plan just fell off into the distance as life's business took over. But then I started feeling the urge to go back to Haiti. Then the other day Jay called and said that on his way to work he heard a sermon and he knew we were supposed to go to Haiti together. I am so very excited to be heading back. We hope to get to meet D's birth family and especially want to see some of the country outside Port Au Prince. I am busily planning it all out in my head, but feel very strongly that God has a reason for us to go so I just am praying that we will be open to His leading during our time. Perhaps he can use us to encourage, comfort or lift up those we come in contact with. At the very least we will love on some kids at the orphanages and get some more experience in the country that we hope will one day be our home.

Maybe?

Meet Peter and Peterson. They are D's brothers and they are currently living at an orphanage in Port Au Prince, Haiti. They have been there for over a year now. They are nine years old, and they are boys. Their chances for adoption are not good.

They are my most recent moral dilemma. I feel very strongly the urge to adopt them. They come to me often throughout the day in odd little ways. I see a set of twins at the lake. On a TV show the other night a character named Pete Peterson. The Dateline special about the family who adopted twins from Russia and then went back for the other TWO older sets of twins. I see their faces every morning when D wakes up. Their big brown eyes look up at me through him and I wonder what they were like at his age, if they felt safe and loved. I think of their mother, and how she would probably like for them to be with D and us. They are already being separated from their big sister who is being adopted to California. And yet I can't decide if wanting them is much like wanting to be a missionary. Do I just want to "save" someone? Do I just want to appear to be doing the right thing even if I am not sure if it is God's directive for my life? And there are concerns. They have likely suffered abuse although to what degree we don't know. We have younger children in our home that could become potential victims if they acted out. Older child adoption even without these possible issues are full of unknowns. And in fact the "knowns" are even more disconcerting. They WILL, with full awareness of what they have lost, grieve for their home and their family. They WILL test and try their new family to see if they are staying put this time. They WILL struggle to adjust to a culture so foreign to their own they feel as though they are on another planet. The "maybes" sound better. Maybe they will be the resilient type. Maybe they were so well loved by their birth family that they are already grounded in their worth as children of God. Maybe they are strong enough, brave enough, and loving enough to make it through such a drastic life change at such a delicate age with their souls intact.

Maybe... we are supposed to be the ones to help them do it...

Just do what?

I am getting too comfortable. I am feeling that things are settling down, life is calm, and I am experiencing a level of comfort that scares the jeebers out of me! Why? Because when I am this comfortable I don't want God to ask me to do anything. Yep, I said it, right there out in the open for all to read. It is embarrassing, but worse than that, it is heartbreaking to my Saviour. Why am I so stubborn about this stuff? I can think back on my life and see that everytime I got an assignment from God my joy exploded. His care in guiding me resulted in miraculous moments where His presence was so overpowering all I could do was weep at His goodness and grace. And yet...here I sit saying, "Yeah Lord, that was great, but things are really good right now. Please don't disturb my peaceful, self-centered existence just now. Maybe in a year or so I will be ready to do something, but for now can I just serve my flesh and do what I want to do." His spirit in me grieves just writing that. If I am in right relationship with Him aren't my desires and His supposed to be ONE. And yet the fear grips me. I know from experience that God's assigments, although ultimately beautiful for my soul, often start out as painful sacrifices. I remember the sleepless nights crying for my son. He was hundreds of miles away sharing a crib with atleast two other babies. I pictured him sucking his thumb and rocking himself back and forth, back and forth. I asked God how it could be a part of His plan for this child to learn to rock himself to sleep when here I was wanting so desperately to do it. I fearfully asked God if D would ever come home. I remember the night when God said, " I want you to be more in love with ME than you are afraid to lose this child." Was I? Well, perhaps not in that moment, but in that moment I asked God to make that happen in me. I knew I couldn't do it, but I knew HE could do it. And then came the peace. AHH yes, the sweet peace that passes understanding. And now here I am after having my son home for over a year. I have seen the healing take place in his heart. I have watched the fear slowly fade as it is replaced with a sense of security and knowing that he is loved. Now it seems I need to ask the Lord to do the same thing in my heart.




" Lord, please replace this fear in my heart with a knowledge of your love. Let your love give me boldness. Let your love be all that I need and give me the courage to risk everything else."

Plans change...(ours, not God's!)

The girls and I visited their school today. It was wonderful. The prinicipal and teachers were all so nice and happy to welcome the girls. It felt really good and really right. I thank God for giving me that peace because honestly I second guess the decision daily. At every turn he is confirming it though.


So, true confessions time. I have always imagined myself on the mission field. And when we adopted D I felt sure that Haiti was the place where God would lead us. Aside from other benefits of homeschooling it has always sort of been my way to prepare for leaving. I didn't want to get used to the kids being in school. I didn't want roots that deep. I wanted to be ready to go at a moments notice. I have fought this sort of blending in with society and doing the suburban mom thing. Maybe not consciously, but I realize that letting go of that, atleast for now, has been a part of my grieving process. Jay has made it clear that we are not going to the mission field anytime soon. He acknowledges it is a definite possibility in the future, but God has not said "now" yet. So, I am stepping out into the world. And I feel this beautiful peacefulness from the Lord. Why did I think He would love me more, be more pleased with me if I went to some foreign country. He wants me to serve him contentedly from wherever I am. If it is possible, I think for me wanting to be on the mission field became almost sinful. I elevated it to a place of "better Christianity" in a way. And yet, where is the grace in that. And where is there room for the Lord to have a place for us all, a special plan just for us that may or may not include ever leaving home. I still hope for that call, but only if it is what He wants from us. And I am so grateful for a God who is bigger than place or circumstance and can use me wherever He wants me to be. May my eyes stay open to the needs that are right here in front of me everyday!


So, as the girls and I discussed school Madiboo asked if it was a Christian school, and I said no it is public. She and Sunshine both got huge grins on their faces and S chimed in, "Now we can tell some people about Jesus!" Out of the mouths of babes.


Random pictures from the past month: Bonfire night, and cow chasing in the pasture next door.

School

Well, one of the big decisions we made was that Madiboo and Sunshine would go to school next year. I have homeschooled them for the past four years so this is a huge decision for me. I know it is what God is saying to do right now, and I am trusting in that - even as I doubt, question and grieve over it. Sounds real trusting huh? I am sad that I will miss all those experiences with them during the day. I am sad that they will lose some of the innocence they still have. I am sad that they will lose that time with each other. On the other hand I am grateful that they have wonderful friends at the school who are Christians and will help them adjust. I am happy I will have the time to devote to helping G build his confidence. I am happy that my dear friend Stacy will be teaching D's preschool class. I am scared that the girls will have a bad experience, get teased, be behind etc etc. I am scared that I will lose some of the closeness we share now. Ultimately though, I am happy that God made this clear so that I can trust it and begin to move forward with a new plan. My image of my life as this "outside the box, homeschooling rebel" has caved to become one of those that bucks to the system! HAHA(: I guess I will have to rebel in other ways.... details to come(:

My BEST Friend!

My husband is the most awesome husband and friend any girl could ask for! Recently we have been struggling with some parenting questions, schooling questions, etc. etc. I knew I could honestly and openly go to Jay and ask him to pray and then to lead our family in whatever direction he felt God wanted for us. And here is the real kicker - I KNEW he would actually PRAY! Then the past few days I was feeling God leading in a certain way so I mentioned it to him today and he had been getting the same thing from the Lord. That was all the confirmation we needed. It is so beautiful how God uses a marriage when it is centered on Him. I feel so blessed to have this Godly man guiding my family and I thank God for him everyday. Sorry ladies - he is soooooo taken!

The Toughest Job on the Planet!

I have been at this parenting thing for ten years now and am finding that I have come up with more questions than answers. I have read gazillions of books on the subject, talked with other parents, prayed, prayed and prayed some more. Recently I have discovered an entirely new parenting paradigm. Of course when I say "new" I guess I mean it is being rediscovered. As Solomon said, "there is nothing new under the sun". Something I have realized through the years is that, as with many things, parenting is very culturally diverse and thus attitude and perceptions about what is "the right way" are strongly driven by cultural values, mores, and assumptions. Often in the Christian community the "spare the rod, spoil the child" attitude is carried out in a way that far removes itself from the original intent of training, teaching and correcting. I am finding myself becoming more open-minded than ever before on this parenting journey. Of course, my every present litmus test is My Lord Jesus Christ and His Word. If anything comes in conflict with HIM it is immediately thrown out. As my good friend Lindsay once told me, "all truth is God's truth". If it is true, it will be supported by Him and His Word.

With that I will direct you to two websites that have got me thinking lately. If you are a Christian and have thoughts about them please post a comment!

www.aolff.com

www.postinstitute.com