Saturday, May 14, 2011

Worth It?

I don't know if I am happy to have these or not. I know they break my heart. I don't know the circumstances around them and I don't know who took them, but they may be the only glimpse of her that anyone can get before actually going to adopt her. If someone doesn't step out in faith for this child she will quite literally disappear. She will die, likely within a couple of years after being at the mental institution. Who will mourn her death? Who will mourn the life she could've lived? I know the questions you have, because I've had them as well. Is she in there? I mean behind those eyes is there someone still there, still thinking, still hoping? Or have the years of neglect and lack of stimulation stolen the child she could've been? I don't know. Claiming this child as your daughter will take a leap of faith that I have never known. She will probably need care the rest of her life, however long that is. She may never talk, walk or even sit up on her own. Is she worth it? The other day in church I was praising God, pouring out my heart, even the questions and the pain, just pouring them out to him. A sacrifice of praise. Sacrificial because it hurts sometimes to praise Him in the midst of the ache of this world. Instead of praising Him I want to hurl my volley of questions which all begin with "WHY?" and can only ever be answered with "WHO". And I felt this flood of joy and gratitude and love. He came to me when I was spiritually just like Camille laying in that crib. I was helpless and hopeless, and could offer nothing in return for His coming. Yet He came. He saw something in me. Worth. Value. Enough to sacrifice His Son for me. And here I am after 30 something years of being His, and I am still about as useless. But He loves me. He was willing to commit to lifetime care. What a beautiful picture of grace and unconditional love the adoption of this sweet child will be. The fleshing out of the gospel that we have been freely given. Is she worth it? Was I?