Saturday, June 28, 2008

100 and Risk-taking

This is my 100th post. Pretty cool. I think this blog officially has held on longer than any other journal in my life. Except maybe the one that got me through ages 13-16. Man those were some rough years! That diary was a dear friend. But I digress. Anyway, this blog is a slightly distant second(:

I've been thinking about risk-taking. It started when Sydney and I were out riding one day. I was on Aesha, who is extremely obedient. Sydney was on Duchess bareback, which is her preferred method. We were walking and trotting around and Duchess kept wanting to stop and eat. Sydney would not allow it and patiently, but firmly insisted that Duchess continue. Then when we asked for the lope Duchess was clearly annoyed. Not eating was one thing, but running, well that was a little much to ask. She started tapping her feet and turning circles and in general pitching a bit of a tantrum. I'm watching all this wondering if I should tell Syd to get off because I can just picture this horse giving a little buck and sending my baby girl flying. But then I look at Syd. She is the picture of calm. She is talking to Duch saying things like, "this can take as long as you want it to. we will lope and until we do you will not eat." I bit my tongue and waited. About three long minutes later Duchess and Sydney loped across the yard. Syd was beaming. Duchess was resigned. I finally breathed.

Now, if she had gotten bucked the best I could've done was comfort her and perhaps drive her to the ER. I had absolutely no control over the situation. I risked letting her get hurt in hopes that she would prevail and gain confidence. To be honest, I wasn't even sure she could do it.

It occurred to me how very different this was than when we take risks for God. First of all, HE IS in control. He knows the outcome. He has only our best interest at heart. But then I wondered why He lets us get bucked off sometimes. I know I have felt that way before. I get up rubbing my sore behind asking, "Lord, why did you let that happen?" Sometimes I think it is to learn to come to Him for comfort. Sometimes, it's a reminder that WE are not capable without Him. For me though, it seems to be mostly about learning perseverance. He wants me to not give up. To finish the race. He wants me to have enough character and fortitude to get right back on that horse knowing full well it could hurt really bad. So, what am I not doing for the Lord for fear of getting hurt? Hmmm...

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
James 1:2-4

"Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear Him you need fear nothing else."
Isaiah 8:13

"Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven."

Philippians 3:13b-14

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

More FCF Memories

Sunday, June 22, 2008

What's Been Goin' On

It has been a busy week of getting back into a routine since returning from vacation. It was such a wonderful and relaxing time. I grew up camping there much of my childhood, and in fact it was during a camping trip there that Jason arrived to suprise me, and then later proposed from the top of Lookout Mountain. So, as we sat at the same camp site we had been in as an 18 and 20 year old and watched our FOUR KIDS play, to say it was surreal would be a bit of an understatement. It was just one of those really great, special times that I know our family will always remember fondly.

I also realized that I had not filled you in on the G news. I think the last time I spoke about him we had him on his meds and he was doing pretty well. Well, shortly after he began to struggle again - 30 to 40 minute rages. At his next appointment with the psychiatrist she wanted us to try a new med. When we got out to the car Jason asked me to please not fill the presciption until he prayed first. And so we both went away and prayed, and we both felt that the med was not the way to go. Atleast not right now. We are (obviously) not opposed to meds, but we both realized we had jumped into it in a moment of weakness and perhaps even desperation, and that we needed to seek the Lord BEFORE we made anymore decisions. So he has now been med free for a little over a month and he is doing better than ever. What's changed? Well, we have committed to pray for him EVERY night, which means sometimes I am about to doze off and Jason wakes me and says, "we forgot to pray for G." We have also reinstated the family devotion time, which we had put to the side. And I think in general we are responding to him in a much more loving way. It is hard to describe what year after year with a very difficult child does to you. You become hyper alert, hyper sensitive, and completely depleted of empathy. For me it has been a process of trying to see how he is struggling and to respond to him from a place of love and compassion instead of judgement. It is a process and I don't always get it right, but I really feel the Lord beginning to heal the hurt in both of us. I can see G beginning to relax more, to feel more comfortable in his own skin, and I sense that he can feel the change in me as well. I pray God continues to fill me with his love so that I can continue to pour it out to G. It is a daily balance of expecting him to do his best, but not expecting him to be perfect, of hoping he will be happy, but being ready to be with him in his pain if he is not. And yet again God is using this child to teach me so much. He may be my greatest challenge, but he is also my greatest blessing.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Fall Creek Falls

We just got back from week of camping in TN. Our very best friends in the whole world went with us and it was an amazing week of relaxing and enjoying watching the kids do all the things I used to do growing up camping there. I am short on time so will just put in pictures and fill you in on the details later(: