Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Just do what?

I am getting too comfortable. I am feeling that things are settling down, life is calm, and I am experiencing a level of comfort that scares the jeebers out of me! Why? Because when I am this comfortable I don't want God to ask me to do anything. Yep, I said it, right there out in the open for all to read. It is embarrassing, but worse than that, it is heartbreaking to my Saviour. Why am I so stubborn about this stuff? I can think back on my life and see that everytime I got an assignment from God my joy exploded. His care in guiding me resulted in miraculous moments where His presence was so overpowering all I could do was weep at His goodness and grace. And I sit saying, "Yeah Lord, that was great, but things are really good right now. Please don't disturb my peaceful, self-centered existence just now. Maybe in a year or so I will be ready to do something, but for now can I just serve my flesh and do what I want to do." His spirit in me grieves just writing that. If I am in right relationship with Him aren't my desires and His supposed to be ONE. And yet the fear grips me. I know from experience that God's assigments, although ultimately beautiful for my soul, often start out as painful sacrifices. I remember the sleepless nights crying for my son. He was hundreds of miles away sharing a crib with atleast two other babies. I pictured him sucking his thumb and rocking himself back and forth, back and forth. I asked God how it could be a part of His plan for this child to learn to rock himself to sleep when here I was wanting so desperately to do it. I fearfully asked God if D would ever come home. I remember the night when God said, " I want you to be more in love with ME than you are afraid to lose this child." Was I? Well, perhaps not in that moment, but in that moment I asked God to make that happen in me. I knew I couldn't do it, but I knew HE could do it. And then came the peace. AHH yes, the sweet peace that passes understanding. And now here I am after having my son home for over a year. I have seen the healing take place in his heart. I have watched the fear slowly fade as it is replaced with a sense of security and knowing that he is loved. Now it seems I need to ask the Lord to do the same thing in my heart.

" Lord, please replace this fear in my heart with a knowledge of your love. Let your love give me boldness. Let your love be all that I need and give me the courage to risk everything else."

1 comment:

Troy & Tara Livesay said...

Thanks Heather. well said and honest -- I think you're wonderful.