Never Got To Paris

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FINALLY....FRANCE!

I took five years of middle and highschool French. I have always wanted to go. Things have never worked out. UNTIL NOW! I am so excited to tell you that I will be accompanying my sweetly employed hubby on an amazing (business for him) trip through France. We will have two days in Paris, visit the Normandy beaches, spend a day in Angers and 3 days in a full spa in Pornic, which is right on the ocean. Can we say cool job perks? It's funny because we used to sing this song. Feels good to check this box(:

100 and Risk-taking

This is my 100th post. Pretty cool. I think this blog officially has held on longer than any other journal in my life. Except maybe the one that got me through ages 13-16. Man those were some rough years! That diary was a dear friend. But I digress. Anyway, this blog is a slightly distant second(:

I've been thinking about risk-taking. It started when Sydney and I were out riding one day. I was on Aesha, who is extremely obedient. Sydney was on Duchess bareback, which is her preferred method. We were walking and trotting around and Duchess kept wanting to stop and eat. Sydney would not allow it and patiently, but firmly insisted that Duchess continue. Then when we asked for the lope Duchess was clearly annoyed. Not eating was one thing, but running, well that was a little much to ask. She started tapping her feet and turning circles and in general pitching a bit of a tantrum. I'm watching all this wondering if I should tell Syd to get off because I can just picture this horse giving a little buck and sending my baby girl flying. But then I look at Syd. She is the picture of calm. She is talking to Duch saying things like, "this can take as long as you want it to. we will lope and until we do you will not eat." I bit my tongue and waited. About three long minutes later Duchess and Sydney loped across the yard. Syd was beaming. Duchess was resigned. I finally breathed.

Now, if she had gotten bucked the best I could've done was comfort her and perhaps drive her to the ER. I had absolutely no control over the situation. I risked letting her get hurt in hopes that she would prevail and gain confidence. To be honest, I wasn't even sure she could do it.



It occurred to me how very different this was than when we take risks for God. First of all, HE IS in control. He knows the outcome. He has only our best interest at heart. But then I wondered why He lets us get bucked off sometimes. I know I have felt that way before. I get up rubbing my sore behind asking, "Lord, why did you let that happen?" Sometimes I think it is to learn to come to Him for comfort. Sometimes, it's a reminder that WE are not capable without Him. For me though, it seems to be mostly about learning perseverance. He wants me to not give up. To finish the race. He wants me to have enough character and fortitude to get right back on that horse knowing full well it could hurt really bad. So, what am I not doing for the Lord for fear of getting hurt? Hmmm...


"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
James 1:2-4


"Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear Him you need fear nothing else."
Isaiah 8:13

"Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven."

Philippians 3:13b-14

More FCF Memories

What's Been Goin' On

It has been a busy week of getting back into a routine since returning from vacation. It was such a wonderful and relaxing time. I grew up camping there much of my childhood, and in fact it was during a camping trip there that Jason arrived to suprise me, and then later proposed from the top of Lookout Mountain. So, as we sat at the same camp site we had been in as an 18 and 20 year old and watched our FOUR KIDS play, to say it was surreal would be a bit of an understatement. It was just one of those really great, special times that I know our family will always remember fondly.

I also realized that I had not filled you in on the G news. I think the last time I spoke about him we had him on his meds and he was doing pretty well. Well, shortly after he began to struggle again - 30 to 40 minute rages. At his next appointment with the psychiatrist she wanted us to try a new med. When we got out to the car Jason asked me to please not fill the presciption until he prayed first. And so we both went away and prayed, and we both felt that the med was not the way to go. Atleast not right now. We are (obviously) not opposed to meds, but we both realized we had jumped into it in a moment of weakness and perhaps even desperation, and that we needed to seek the Lord BEFORE we made anymore decisions. So he has now been med free for a little over a month and he is doing better than ever. What's changed? Well, we have committed to pray for him EVERY night, which means sometimes I am about to doze off and Jason wakes me and says, "we forgot to pray for G." We have also reinstated the family devotion time, which we had put to the side. And I think in general we are responding to him in a much more loving way. It is hard to describe what year after year with a very difficult child does to you. You become hyper alert, hyper sensitive, and completely depleted of empathy. For me it has been a process of trying to see how he is struggling and to respond to him from a place of love and compassion instead of judgement. It is a process and I don't always get it right, but I really feel the Lord beginning to heal the hurt in both of us. I can see G beginning to relax more, to feel more comfortable in his own skin, and I sense that he can feel the change in me as well. I pray God continues to fill me with his love so that I can continue to pour it out to G. It is a daily balance of expecting him to do his best, but not expecting him to be perfect, of hoping he will be happy, but being ready to be with him in his pain if he is not. And yet again God is using this child to teach me so much. He may be my greatest challenge, but he is also my greatest blessing.

Fall Creek Falls

We just got back from week of camping in TN. Our very best friends in the whole world went with us and it was an amazing week of relaxing and enjoying watching the kids do all the things I used to do growing up camping there. I am short on time so will just put in pictures and fill you in on the details later(:

REAL HOPE FOR HAITI

To the right are links to Lori and Licia's blogs and links to their organization, Real Hope For Haiti. They do AMAZING work and their standards and ethics are impeccable and without blemish. The recent rise in the cost of food has caused them hardship in keeping their rescue center open. These people are literally saving lives EVERY DAY! Below is a video of their father. It shares a bit about their calling and their ministry. Please watch and ask God if He would have you help them. Some are called to go and some are called to send, but NONE are exempt from both.

Check out these links for more info on ways to help.
www.aaronivey.wordpress.com
www.dreamingbigdreams.wordpress.com
www.xanga.com/no_im_not_a_nurse
www.xanga.com/haitinurse4life

My Mom

I had wanted to get a post on here about my Mom BEFORE Mother's Day, but since I get my procrastination and lack of organizational skills from her I think she will understand ;-)

There is really no way to sum up or categorize my Mom. She had me at barely 18 years old, but managed to get a job, put a roof over my head and food in my belly. She had a less than ideal childhood, to put it mildly, and I know with all my heart she wanted better for me. She selflessly set aside her dreams and set out to give me the best life she possibly could. We often barely had money to make ends meet and yet she managed to make things special and kept me blissfully unaware that we were "poor"! To this day she is my greatest cheerleader, encourager and friend. She is a woman of faith, integrity and dignity. She is passionate about family. She loves the Lord. She works harder than anyone I have ever known. She supports me in that most perfect way - offering advice when it is asked for and being an ear and a comfort when it is not. I am so completely blessed and honored that God sent me to be this woman's daughter. I could ask for no better start to life and no better friend, companion and confidant along the way. Mom, I love you so much more than words can say and I could write for hours about all the specific ways that you are so amazing, but... well, let's be honest - isn't your head big enough already? Oh, I almost forgot - my Mom is also the most sarcastic person I know and if I have ever offended you in any way you can thank her for that! Hehe(: Love ya Ma!

What Makes Me Happy

The joy this child brings me is immeasurable. Is it possible for a heart to actually burst with love? I have no idea why I get to be his mom, but I am so thankful and grateful and blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Absolutely amazing.

He does this probably 20 times a day and I have to say - it never gets old(:

Better

We're off to a better start today. Last night, after a bumpy afternoon G came to me and started to hug and cuddle. This is usually his cue for saying he's sorry. He rarely has the nerve to speak it, but I know what he means. Then at bed time he asked me to stay with him until he fell asleep. So I climbed in and he snuggled with me and held my hand. I know in my head that he is so afraid that we will send him away if he is bad, which ironically makes him very difficult to live with. I know he loves us and yet it is so hard for me to not take his verbal abuse personally. Every day we are taking tiny baby steps toward healing his heart, and mine for that matter. So much of this journey with G is about God teaching ME about MYSELF.

Madi ran the mile at school yesterday and came home beaming that she had beat her previous time by 7 seconds. She was so proud and had to keep recounting the minute by minute drama of who was ahead of whom and when. It was very cute. Sydney runs hers today. I hope she does well.

If you've listened to the song on the blog you may have heard the line, "You walk in a room...and something there leaves you breathless." Well, today when I walked in the living room the only thing that left me breathless was the smell of poo. Yep, apparently Chance had an upset tummy in the night and couldn't possibly wait til dawn. I couldn't be too mad at him - he is very well housebroken and has been known to "hold it" for ridiculous amounts of time, so I know he really coudn't help it. Nevertheless he has been banished to the screen porch until we can be sure the yuckies have passed. So now I will continue to attack the carpet with soap, vinegar and lysol because I swear I can STILL smell something. Aren't you guys so glad I shared?

All I Could Muster

After G gave a tirade this morning about how he doesn't want to live with us and he's going to run away the only "hope' I could muster was a pleasant, "I HOPE you have a good day" as he got out of the car at school. And I HOPE he's in a better mood when he gets home! Please pray for us(:

Don't Leave Kids With Dad

Remember that ladies retreat I went on? Well, while I was gone this was the scene at the local drive in burger joint. What is Daniel's blue hair you ask? Well, it is a popped squishy ball stretched over his head like a wig of course. DUH! Sadly, an innocent neighbor girl was dragged along for the spectacle. The good news - they did eat, apparently, while I was gone. The bad news - this picture was taken before the "dance party in the bed of the truck" scene. Excuse me while I blot my tears of pride...

New Name

I decided to put a new heading on the blog. Not because I feel less blessed than before. Mostly because I got bored staring at the old one every day, and this is kind of like rearranging furniture in blog land. My new name - Love Hopes - is how I am feeling lately. It comes, of course from the love chapter 1 Corinthians 13. My love for my kids, my family, and my life hopes. It hopes that we are where we need to be. It hopes that the future is good. It hopes that God will fill in the gaps that I leave. So, I hope that your love feels hopeful today(:

Words Get In The Way

Perhaps you have noticed it has been a long time since my last real entry. Hopefully you have not because your life is way too full and exciting to care! I can't tell you how many times I have come to sit in front of the computer to share with you all I am feeling. And I would sit...and sit... and then a kid would need me, or the phone would ring, or a dog would need to go out. So, here I am, finally ready...I think, to give words to the jumble that has been on my heart.





March 10th G turned seven years old. He was not in a good place at the time. His party was kept small with just family and a few close friends who we consider family. The day after his birthday we met with his new psychiatrist. She was great. I really liked her. She gave us a prescription. I filled it and then got on line to do some research and got more and more scared. I hated the idea of my son having to take this for the rest of his life. It really freaked me out. But then I remembered how G had said he wanted to die, the grief that came over him as he tried to understand why he wasn't like everyone else. I remembered the anger, the rages, the broken stuff. I decided I HAD to do SOMETHING. So, I gave him his first dose. And then I cried.



And then, although I didn't realize it at the time, I think I shut down for a while. I put a do not enter sign on my heart, and refused to acknowledge any new emotions. I was spiritually and emotionally spent, drained, done, over it.

April 4th and 5th was our churches women's retreat. I went. Depserate for the Lord to meet me there. I knew He was the only thing that was going to make it ok. He came through in amazing ways. He let me grieve and cry and yell. He didn't chastise me for it. Instead, He held out his arms and comforted me and reminded me that I am His precious daughter. He took me to scripture after scripture about being in the dry places, the place of bitterness, the place of Naomi's "marah". He showed me that I was not alone in that place. Then He revealed some of my heart to me. He showed me the fear that I have let consume me. Fear of not being a good enough Mother, Wife, Friend, Christian. Fear of the things I cannot control in my children's lives. He asked me to lay it down. To give it to Him. Just as He did for the Israelites in the desert, He made my bitter water to be sweet. It was a precious time with the Lord, and I am so thankful that He is ever patient and ever gracious to continue to meet me where I am.

So, here we are a month and a half later and things are going so well with G. He is really making huge improvements. It's good, but I hate to think it's the medication. I don't want that to be the problem, and I don't want him to have to be on this forever. But I have put my fears about it at the Lord's feet and I am enjoying the good days. I can see G really trying to stop and think before he explodes. He is affectionate and loving and so many of his insecurities about his place in our family are coming to the surface now that he can give voice to them. It has been so hard to watch him grieve for his birth mom, for the loss of what his life would've been with her. He is a compassionate soul, and he genuinely worries about her. I am beginning to see that his anger was a shield to protect his very tender soul. I am so proud of him. He is working through things that no 7 year old should have to think about.

So, things are pretty good right now. I need God's grace to get me through each day. But that is a good thing. I hope I never begin to feel self sufficient!

In other news: D's end of the year preschool program is tonight. Stay tuned for adorable pictures and maybe even video(;

Please, please I beg you to read this...

Soak it in,
let yourself feel it,
cry with them,
rejoice with them,
let it change you

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/04/letter-to-my-daughter.html

EASTER

Blessed Assurance

I'm smiling now as I think back on the past months. The knowledge that God was preparing me, the idea of suffering, the struggle, then the resignation, and then the anticipation. And now I see at least a glimpse of what it was for. He was giving me the armour I would need for this battle. He prepared the way so that I would not be shocked by it or overcome. He filled me up with His love and strength. It is an amzing thing when you can look at a situation that seems bleak and scary and still have peace. I don't think I have ever had this before. I have read about it, prayed for it, and seen others with it, but now it is mine. The peace that passes understanding. I feel safe and secure even though my world is shaking a bit. I know that I know that I know that God has me in His hands and whatever comes to me, good or bad, difficult or easy, is a blessing from Him. In the good times I will praise Him and in the bad I will praise Him. He has given me what I need - His presence, His love, and His grace. If God is for me who (what) can be against me?! I get it.

A Little Boy is Running Out of Time

http://victoriashope.blogspot.com/2008/02/boys-needs-home-this-week.html

If he doesn't have a family commit to him soon he will be transferred to the home for the disabled and will no longer be available for adoption. His future there would be grim indeed.

Redemptive Suffering

I just listened to the Feb 3rd sermon and I just think it is so cool that there is a name for what I was trying to describe in my post here:http://manymanyblessings.blogspot.com/2008/01/choose-pain.html and here:http://manymanyblessings.blogspot.com/2008/02/chosen-suffering-step-2.html

It just goes to show that you don't need some fancy, well-read theologian to tell you about God and the mysteries of how He works. He taught this to me, and I am quite often fairly unteachable!



The past week with G has been difficult at best. Just when we think he is coming around he will once again plummet into the abyss. Our therapist once suggested possible early onset bi-polar disorder. It seems to fit. He will have days, even weeks of being the G we know him to be - kind, affectionate, moderately obedient;-) but will then seemingly with no trigger or notice become this angry, irritable, defiant liitle tyrant. Every time it happens, even though it has happened consistently for years now, I become disheartened and completely discouraged. I get sad thinking about what the other three are exposed to - yelling, anger, destruction of property, and I get angry thinking how everything could be wonderful if he were just a normal kid. So, in light of my new revelations about suffering I have been asking the Lord what He would have me do in this situation. And the answer wasn't easy to hear. It was - ENDURE TO THE END. That's it. He didn't promise to fix it. He didn't whisper how it would be over soon. He didn't apologize for how hard it has been. He just said to endure. I think He wants me to truly start to practice this redemptive suffering thing! He wants me to keep loving G even when he is "unloveable" and ISN'T loving me back. He wants me to acknowledge that although being G's mother is going to be often heart breaking, that I was put in his life for a reason and if I can help his heart and mind to heal then it is worth it. It will be joyful! Even if I don't truly see the evidence of it in this life. So today I pray that God would help me to love in a selfless way that expects nothing in return. And I hope that one day G will feel the love that is indeed all around him.

It's All About the Joy-Part 2

This pastor seems to be speaking directly to me these days. Yesterday I went and listened to the January 27th sermon on joy and suffering. And so, as much as I keep thinking I have got this down and God can move on to the next lesson, apparently He wants to let it sink in a bit first.

Go to http://www.thedoor.org then click on recent sermons and go to January 27th.

And I see tht title of the next sermon is "Suffering for Someone Else's Joy". I guess I might as well go watch that one too!

Southern Women - For Memaw

I come from a long line of proud Southern Women so I just had to swipe this off Ange's blog and share it here. Every single line is true and boy do I have a hankerin' for biscuits and gravy right now, and I sure do miss my Memaw. She was the perfect Southern Woman - she might kick your hind end to the curb every now and again, but while you's out there she'd be fixin ya a mess a greens and fried okra to make up for it(: I miss you Memaw and thanks for teaching me the Southern way. I couldn't be more proud.

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:Clean skin.A winning smile.That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:"Yes, ma'am.""Yes, sir.""Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :"Y'all come back!""Well, bless your heart.""Drop by when you can.""How's your Momma?""I'm going to kick your hind end all the way to the curb"
Southern women know their summer weather report:HumidityHumidityHumidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:The beach The rivuh The crick
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:Colorful hi-heel sandals Strapless sun dresses Iced sweet tea with mint
Southern women know everybody's first name:Honey Darlin' Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:Fried Green Tomatoes Driving Miss Daisy Steel Magnolias Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their country breakfasts:Red-eye gravy Grits Eggs Country ham Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn S'vanah Foat Wuth N'awlins Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:Men in uniform. Men in tuxedos Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:The Mall The Country Club The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:Having bad hair and nails Having bad manners Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, .. and when we're "in line," . we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.

It's all about the joy!

OK, somebody mentioned (in response to my suffering series) that I might be a bit on the edge. That maybe I am working too hard to impress God or to be a "super Christian". I think the exact quote was the "Tiger Woods of Christians". Yikes. If that is the impression I left then I said EVERYTHING wrong. Let me try to clarify a few things.

1. I am NOT actively seeking for huge, meaningless, calamity to come into my life.

2. I do NOT expect to ever impress God, nor do I think it is possible, nor do I think that is God's desire for me.

The suffering or sacrifices that I was referring to choosing had nothing to do with wanting to impress God by experiencing pain. I was thinking more about cutting out my cable and cell phone so that I have money to send to missionaries(boy does that sound lame!) or choosing to take the time to plan menus and cook to avoid big bills eating out. These are tiny things to be sure, but they are done with a servants heart and a desire to see more people come to know the Lord. Then there are slightly larger sacrifices such as taking in a foster child knowing full well that not only will I be sleep deprived for a few months, but my heart will be broken in two when they leave. All of these things are choices I will make that require something from me, in order that more people will know the love of Christ. There are people who sacrifice so much more - the Livesay's are serving in Haiti with their entire family as are Lori and Licia. They have given up the comforts and securities of living in America for the sake of others. They want to be there to physically be the hands and feet of Jesus. What I am doing is soooooo small. If anyone is the "Tiger Woods of Christians" it would be them. So to sum up:

1. I DO fully expect suffering to come into my life that is not of my own choosing and I pray that I can glorify God in that and point people to His all-sustaining grace.
2. The choices I make regarding what has been entrusted to me matter in the Kingdom of God and I hope I will choose more and more based not on my level of comfort, but on my level of compassion and love for others.
3. It is quite possible that God could ask me to make a much larger sacrifice and suffer more than my present tiny amount. If/when that happens I want to be ready to say "YES" without hesitation.

"And he who had received the five talents came forward bringing five talents more, saying 'Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more'. His Master said to him 'Well done good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your Master."
Matthew 25:20-21

When we start to see the world the way God sees it, and start caring about the things He cares about we can only find true joy in doing His work. Working for the kingdom or suffering for the kingdom ultimately leads to the only pure joy you will ever know. He has entrusted us with much and I for one want to be a good steward of it and to enter into the joy of my Master!

"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting, He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."
Psalm 126:5-6

Life in Rural Haiti

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7807530395118316902&q=My+Mountain&total=17278&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

Seen Hotel Rwanda?

It's happening again. Please pray.

http://www.worldlinkonline.org/prayerlink-2008jan05.html

Chosen Suffering :Step 2

One of the ways God continued my lesson on chosen suffering was in a conversation with a friend. She also happens to be the pastors wife. As we got on the subject of difficulties in life she said that she wanted to write a book titled something like "It's Your Destiny". She thought it would be a catchy title. People always seem to be searching for their purpose, their meaning, the "why" of their existence. Then, the twist would be that if you are a follower of Christ, your destiny is the cross. It is to die to self, take up your cross and follow Him. Sounds pretty grim huh? And yet we read that Jesus took up His cross, suffered and died "for the joy that was set before Him." THE JOY. One of the results of our lives of sacrifice is that people see the love of Jesus in us. We are choosing someone elses gain above our own. But it is not without benefit for us.

By faith, Moses when he was grown up refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward."
Hebrews 11:24-26

The joy. The reward. These are ours for the taking. And what do we give up in return. The fleeting pleasures of sin. We give up a vapor. A mist. Only that which turns to nothing. And in return we get the true, real, eternal good stuff!

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you, that my JOY may be in you and that your JOY may be full.
John 15:9-11

A Father's Heart

This was also a part of my lesson's from the Lord on suffering. Please please please take the time to watch this. It is in 3 parts that are about 10 minutes each. It is worth your time.

What were you expecting?

This sermon was linked on the Livesay's blog last week and was part of God's multi-media presentation to me. It is powerful. I hope you get the time to watch it. Click on the link below and on the right click on recent sermons, then click on the January 13th sermon titled 'What were you expecting'.

http://www.thedoor.org/

Choose Pain?

This post has been rolling around in my head for weeks now. I'm just not sure I can verbalize it. I mentioned a while back that I was getting that familiar feeling that God was preparing me for something. This time instead of anticipation I was apprehensive. For the past several weeks God has presented a running theme in my life. It has been quite the multi-media event. It has come to me in the form of sermons, emails, chats with friends, books I'm reading, links on blogs, etc etc. The theme is "A Life of Chosen Suffering". I have long acknowledged that the Christian walk will be marked by suffering, and that much of our testimony about the faithfulness of God is seen in how we respond. When Jay first started having trouble with his hip I was just plain mad - for about a year. Then I was sad and hopeless - for about a year. Right around year 4 of his relentless and debilitating pain was, I think, the first time that we both realized we had been seeing it all wrong. We had searched endlessly for a doctor to tell us what was wrong, and more importantly, how to FIX IT. When at last we were broken and realized, that like Paul's thorn, this trial might be more about allowing God's strength to shine rather than the doctors, we were able to see a light. Not a light at the end of the tunnel, but a light in the midst of the oppressive darkness that had been our life. BUT, that suffering was not CHOSEN. To this day it remains, and not of our choosing. Yet, I hope we have been able to point people to the Lord because of it.

"All experiences of suffering in the path of Christian obedience, whether from persecution or sickness or accident, have this in common: They all threaten our faith in the goodness of God and tempt us to leave the path of obedience. Therefore, every triumph of faith and all perseverance of obedience are testimonies to the goodness of God and the preciousness of Christ - whether the enemy is sickness, Satan, sin or sabotage."

John Piper--Desiring God

So, what of the idea of CHOOSING suffering? Should we be like the masochistic monks who walk the streets flogging themselves? Um, yeah, not so much. Because the whole point of the suffering is that people see Christ in our lives. If you do that, they just see a weirdo. The goal is that in OUR suffering OTHERS can benefit. Paul's missionary journeys were frought with danger and pain. It was worth it to him to show Christ to the Gentiles. If you live in the U.S. and have the ability to read this blog then you are extremely wealthy and pampered by all worldly standards. How then, can we suffer - by our own choice - for the sake of Christ? In a recent sermon on missions our pastor mentioned the prophet Haggai going to the Israelites and telling them it was time to rebuild the temple. When I went back later and read the first chapter it seemed to me a scathing reproach for my life.

"Thus says the Lord of hosts: These people say the time has not yet come to rebuild the house of the Lord. Then the word of the Lord came by the hand of Haggai the prophet, "Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, while this house lies in ruins? Now therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts: consider your ways. You have sown much, and harvested little. You eat but you never have enough; you drink, but you never have your fill. You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm. And he who earns wages does so to put them into a bag with holes. Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. Go up to the hills and bring wood and build the house that I may take pleasure in it and that I may be glorified says the Lord. You looked for much and behold it came to little. And when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why? declares the Lord of hosts. Because of my house that lies in ruins while each of you busies himself with his own house. Therefore the heavens above you have withheld the dew, and the earth has withheld its produce. And I have called for a drought on the land and the hills on the grain, the new wine, the oil, on what the ground brings forth, on man and beast and all their labors."

--Haggai 1:2-11

I haven't exactly fleshed this out yet. I know that I have been far too consumed with my own house. I know that I have neglected the house of the Lord. How that knowledge will change me is yet to be seen, but I am atleast now aware of my shortcomings and ready to be used by the Lord. I am in fact, ready to choose to suffer.

9 YEARS OLD!

Where did this baby faced little toothless thing go???? Man, how time flies...

Happy Birthday my beautiful blue eyed angel! From the moment God blessed us with your presence you have been such a joy. Your cheerful spirit, love for life and love for the Lord are infectious. I am honored to be your Mom! Thank you for your tender heart and sweet and compassionate spirit. God will surely use them in a big way, as he already has(:

Jay's Alma Mater

Jay marched in this band for 4 years. He is so proud of Band Co! Go Keydets(:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoKgDrvSdh0&feature=user

Fave Color-Purple

What Your Favorite Color Purple Says About You:

Intuitive --- Seeking --- Creative Kind --- Self-Sacrificing --- Growth Oriented Strong --- Very Wise --- Rare

What Does Your Favorite Color Say About You?

Better

I feel better now. I think I just needed to let myself have that. I kept waiting for it to feel better and thinking I was silly for feeling that way. It is much more therapeautic to acknowledge it, feel it, cry over it, and THEN move on(: Plus, Vanessa is going to be in Haiti tomorrow and promised to get me lots of pictures and video of him. I can't wait to see how he is doing! Thanks for all the encouragement. It was sweet and dearly appreciated. Now I am off to bed.

Just sad

Lately I have sort of gotten the bug to add a child to our family. When that happens I always start praying, and try to weed out any thoughts or ideas about it that are not from God. This time I realized that I don't want another child in our lives, I want the one that left already. I miss him so much. Every time I would think of adopting my thoughts would always return to him. He's way too special to be easily replaced. Don't misunderstand. I know he is happy and healthy where he is and I know things are the way they should be. BUT that doesn't make it hurt any less. His memory comes to me all day long. When we are in the car I remember him singing and dancing to the music. When we are watching Dora I remember the way he would say "oh man!" and get up to start dancing with the music. D has this thing where he assigns a family member to each person in a show or movie. Yesterday he was watching Toy Story 2 and he was Buzz lightyear, G was Woody, Daddy was Bullseye and I was Jesse, and then he assigned Berny to the penguin. Then later he asked me if Berny was on vacation. I said no, that he was home. This kind of thing happens at least 5 or 6 times a day. I'm pretty sure he thinks his little play buddy is coming back still. Every time I take D to school I remember how he begged to go too, and I remember the sheer joy on his face when I took him in one day and he plopped himself right down in a chair and started playing. He looked up at me as if to say, "now, this is what I'm talkin about!" I remember him proudly walking in the costume parade. He was one of about three kids who actually waved and smiled. When I put D to bed at night I remember him reading along with "If You Give A Mouse a Cookie" and I remember him praying. I remember his silly, gravely little laugh amd I remember how he would come to my bed in the mornings for snuggle time. I remember the time he covered the entire downstairs hallway wall with pencil drawings, and the look of surprise on his face that I was NOT impressed. I remember the way he pouted when he didn't get his way, but then couldn't help but laugh if you teased him. I remember him joining in the screaming frenzy when Jay walked in the door from work and how Jay would have to fight through the melee of kids to get to him because he couldn't shove his way to the front. After all this remembering I get sad wondering if HE remembers anything. It seems silly to even post this. It's all just selfishness. I think of Sarah who sent Christella back only to have her pass away, and I realize that I have endured nothing compared to her. But it feels good to get it out, and to remind all you who read this what an amazing little man he is. I know God has big things planned for him. He is one of those truly special souls that is rare and precious, and I am so very grateful that I get to be a small part of his life. All is well and as it should be, but it's still.....just sad.

"Sweet" Sixteen

Please read this and pass it on to anyone who may be interested. It is a link to a blog of a woman who has lived in Haiti and ministered to kids at an orphanage. She knows them well and loves them dearly. They are running out of time. These kids deserve a chance!http://myhaitiankids.blogspot.com/2008/01/sweet-sixteen.html

The Future??

I would like to be a long term planner. I enjoy knowing what is on the horizon and I DO NOT like surprises - unless they involve parties or presents! Oddly, apparently God knows this about me and chooses to keep me in the dark when it comes to what I will be doing next year, next decade, or sometimes even next week. It used to annoy me. I would ask Him nicely to give me a hint, but He would have none of it. Then I would beg and whine and He would get more firm by asking, "do you trust Me?". So, at that point anything other than letting it go into His hands would be faithless disobedience. I'd like to say I never went there, but alas, I am one of His most strong willed children. I am sure of it.

So recently I was wondering what my "calling" was. You know, like what big, huge, earth shattering thing was God going to do with my life next. I get that way sometimes when I look around at what others are doing for the Lord. It's really dumb, and ultimately is rooted in pride. I recognize this - so please don't feel the need to point it out(: Anyway, God showed me a few things once I was quiet for more than ten seconds. First, I am called to serve my family. THEY are my mission field. I need to spend more time figuring out ways to make them feel cherished and adored. I need to pray for wisdom in how to be good wife and mother. On a practical note I have always always always struggled with cooking. I HATED having to think up what was for dinner every night and often would just call Jay and have him pick something up. One of my new years resolutions was to figure out a way to make healthy and yummy meals for my family, shop with a menu to avoid over spending, and keep eating out to a minimum. Someone had emailed me this website - http://www.menus4moms.com/ - and wonder of wonders it is working! I love the feeling of making dinner for my family. It is quite new for me, and the family seems happy.

On a broader scale, there are things that EVERY Christian is called to. And so I started looking up verses with the phrase "to this you were called" or something like it. This is by no means an exhaustive list and doesn't cover everything we are asked to do, it is just a part of what our walk with the Lord should encompass. They are, in no particular order:

Suffering - 1Peter 2:21
Freedom - Galatians 5:13
Guarding the gospel - 2 Timothy 1:9
Perseverance - 1Timothy 6:12
Repentance - Luke 5:32
For God's Purposes - 2 Timothy 1:9, Romans 8:28
Glory - 2 Thessalonians 2:14

This is just scratching the surface people! So, if God never revealed another single thing about my "calling", or what my future holds should this not be enough to tide me over??? And maybe, just maybe God wants me to grasp these things a little more fully BEFORE He tries adding anything to my plate! What a patient and loving Father I have.

Since ice cream is my all time fave snack I did the quiz- I'm strawberry(:

You are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core. You often find yourself on the outside looking in. Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works. You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Dimple-ism

From yesterday as I was getting ready to go out to dinner:
"what you doin Mom"
"Just fixing my hair"

....."is boken?"

Awesome News

I keep meaning to tell you all that D's brothers have a family! If you go back to my June 1st post you will see how I struggled with whether they were meant to be in our family. For quite a while I thought they were, but God never confirmed it through Jay so I have to trust it was not meant to be. Their adoptive family wants to maintain contact with us, so I am grateful that we will get to see them and love on them. I am so happy that D can have that relationship with them as he grows. They will have a wonderful Christian family which is what I prayed for them. Thank you Lord! Although they will not be our blessings, which will be our loss, I look forward to seeing how much they bless the Van Etten family!

Honestly

Can I be honest for a minute? I mean really brutally honest? OK, here it is. The truth. I am scared to go back to Haiti. When Berny came to us last summer and caused us to cancel our trip I took a secret sigh of relief. I am not scared of being kidnapped at gunpoint or malaria or "Haitian happiness". I am scared that one of two things will happen. 1.) I will fall in love again. I will not want to leave. The ache in my heart that I once felt will return and I will again feel out of place in my own home, town, country. I will again walk around wondering where to be and what to be doing, in a haze of atrophied guilt. I will vascilate between joy in anticipation of when I can go next, and frustration that it will never be enough. OR 2.) I will feel nothing beyond, "wasn't it nice to see our friends". I will come home happily.

I am not sure which would be worse. I'm in a funny place right now. God is teaching me about contentment and He is showing me how far I have to go in so many areas. I have a feeling, that is familiar, that He is preparing me for something. I usually like it because I start to wonder what new adventure He has for me. This time, for some reason, I feel hesitant. I recognize that as a lack of faith, and I am seeking forgiveness and boldness.
"He who calls you is faithful. HE will surely do it."
1Thessalonians 5:24

Holiday Nostalgia and Gratitude

Thursday was the kids first day off school for Christmas. We just hung around the house eating and doing nothing. Then I pulled out some old home video thinking G would like to see his first day with us. He has been acting insecure again lately and I wanted him to see how happy we were when we got him, how hard we worked to get him home etc etc. That part went wonderfully. He loved it and was exceptionally happy and content that day. Then it digressed into an all out home video binge. This is NOT a good idea for me. I watched hours and hours of the years 2001-2002. It was emotion overload. The kids were so tiny and cute. For that matter so was I! I got really sad thinking that all those years are behind us and before we know it they will be at college. I felt old and frumpy and sad. Plus I was a little motion sick from all the bad videography. I have decided that I am not allowed to watch home movies anymore. I will make them - for posterity, but I will not watch them. I do much better living in the here and now. Yesterday was a recovery day and today I am back on track. Jay and I spent the day with the kids - we took them to Toys R Us to spend their money from Grandpa P, then went to Blockbuster and Starbucks. It was a good day, and I remembered that right now is a really good place to be. I mean, for one thing all my kids are potty trained. Up until about 3 months ago I had been changing diapers non stop for 10 years! I don't have to pack a diaper bag every time I want to leave the house. All of my kids can entertain themsleves alone for more than 15 minutes at a time. When we go somewhere everyone can walk. Strollers are optional at this point. We are down to only two in car seats. All of this is good stuff. Plus, I actually enjoy this new phase. Madiboo is becoming quite the little lady. She shares with me about her friends and what's happening at school. She shares what she is learning about the Lord. D is getting old enough for G to enjoy his company occassionally. They wrestle and play quite nicely now. They fight over hot wheels and action figures. It is good brotherly stuff. In two years they will all be in school and what in the world will I do with all that free time????? I have no idea, but I bet God does! So, I am glad to be back in 2007, almost 2008, and I'm feeling grateful for what I have experienced and I'm looking forward to what is to come.

Recent Dimple-isms

As we pass Walgreen's:

"Mom, can we go there. That's where the gum lives."

On the way to school for his Christmas party:

"Mom, is my birthday coming up?"

"No honey, you just had your birthday in the summer."

"Oh, it's Jesus Birthday?"

"Yes."

"Is He's older than me?"

I'm just me.

I'm stubborn. I don't like being bossed around. I tend to want to rebel when authority tries to tell me what to do. I kinda like breaking rules and getting away with it, especially when I have decided it was a dumb rule anyway. I tend to not care what people think of me. I'm not into people pleasing, trying to look cute or fashionable all the time (although Jay says that sometimes it just happens and I have to deal with that), I drive an old car, I live in a weird looking house that no one else would buy (apparently). It has taken me 33 years to get to this point, and I feel so free. BUT.... when it comes to my walk with the Lord I wobble, I worry, and I wonder if I am getting it right. I often wish His voice wasn't so still and quiet. Yet even the stuff that is right in front of me in black and white is difficult to live out. I just feel like I should be farther along with it all. There are days that I look at myself and wonder why I am acting like a baby Christian when I have walked with the Lord since I was 6. Why can't I get this right? The same stuff trips me up again and again.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2Cor 12:9

And then I remember that I am not supposed to be doing any of this. I am supposed to lay down my life, my plans, my desires, my pride that tells me I can do it if I just try harder, and I am supposed to let God use me, work through me, and be glorified in me.

Lord please help me to lay down. Please help me to be still. Strip me of selfishness, pride and ambition. I have been stubborn and rebelious in your presence and I ask your forgiveness. Replace my selfish desires with the perfect plan you have for me. I do not want anything that is outside your will for my life. Help me to remember to be still and know that you are God and to rest in your faithfulness.

Berny is home

Showing off his hopping on one foot trick.

A reunited and happy family.

I miss him so much, and it hits me at odd times in the day, but I know he is where he belongs.

Beautiful Visit!!

3 More Sleeps...

until my dear friend Rebecca and her family arrive. I don't think I have introduced Bec to all you blogging buddies. In the immortal words of Indigo Montoya; "Let me 'splain...no, is too much, let me sum up"

I first met Bec as I arrived at the Miami airport in March of 2005. We were to be roommates on our first trip to Haiti. She was going to meet her son, Jeff, who would later become Jeremiah, and I was in limbo. We had lost our first referral and I now had no idea WHO I was going to meet, but I knew God had a plan and I was leaning hard on him. As God began to reveal to me that D was our son Bec was my rock. Every night we prayed together after we layed in bed and looked over the pictures we had taken that day. The last day before we took Jer and D back to the O we prayed over them together. There is no greater bond than shared heartache combined with shared faith in the Lord. From that trip Bec has been permanently placed in my heart as one of those timeless and dear friends that can only be described as a gift from the Lord. We saw each other again in August of that year as she and Bryan were picking Jeremiah up to take him home and I was visiting with D. Since then we have only had phone and e-mail so the fact that I will soon SEE her and get to meet the rest of her kids and see how big Jer has gotten, well....it's just plain awesome and I can't wait!

Old roomies, soon to be reunited(:

Jesus Loves the Little Children

God has truly done a miracle in Berny's heart! Throughout his time here I have been showing him pictures of his parents and getting very little response from him. He would just nod at me as if I were explaining calculus. As the time got closer for him to leave I started praying for God to prepare his heart to go home. Recently I printed out some pics of his parents and really explained that he would be flying on the airplane to go home to them soon. The difference was night and day. You cannot fully appreciate it if you can't see it, but there is a light in his eyes when he talks about them now. He carries their picture and talks about going home to them all the time. He is joyful about it. I believe with all my heart that God blurred the memory of them while he needed to heal and now that it is time to go home God has put them back in his heart. I know this like I know the sky is blue. GOD did this! Thank you Lord for answered prayers and for the peace that has come over me knowing that Berny is happy!!