Friday, January 11, 2008

Just sad

Lately I have sort of gotten the bug to add a child to our family. When that happens I always start praying, and try to weed out any thoughts or ideas about it that are not from God. This time I realized that I don't want another child in our lives, I want the one that left already. I miss him so much. Every time I would think of adopting my thoughts would always return to him. He's way too special to be easily replaced. Don't misunderstand. I know he is happy and healthy where he is and I know things are the way they should be. BUT that doesn't make it hurt any less. His memory comes to me all day long. When we are in the car I remember him singing and dancing to the music. When we are watching Dora I remember the way he would say "oh man!" and get up to start dancing with the music. D has this thing where he assigns a family member to each person in a show or movie. Yesterday he was watching Toy Story 2 and he was Buzz lightyear, G was Woody, Daddy was Bullseye and I was Jesse, and then he assigned Berny to the penguin. Then later he asked me if Berny was on vacation. I said no, that he was home. This kind of thing happens at least 5 or 6 times a day. I'm pretty sure he thinks his little play buddy is coming back still. Every time I take D to school I remember how he begged to go too, and I remember the sheer joy on his face when I took him in one day and he plopped himself right down in a chair and started playing. He looked up at me as if to say, "now, this is what I'm talkin about!" I remember him proudly walking in the costume parade. He was one of about three kids who actually waved and smiled. When I put D to bed at night I remember him reading along with "If You Give A Mouse a Cookie" and I remember him praying. I remember his silly, gravely little laugh amd I remember how he would come to my bed in the mornings for snuggle time. I remember the time he covered the entire downstairs hallway wall with pencil drawings, and the look of surprise on his face that I was NOT impressed. I remember the way he pouted when he didn't get his way, but then couldn't help but laugh if you teased him. I remember him joining in the screaming frenzy when Jay walked in the door from work and how Jay would have to fight through the melee of kids to get to him because he couldn't shove his way to the front. After all this remembering I get sad wondering if HE remembers anything. It seems silly to even post this. It's all just selfishness. I think of Sarah who sent Christella back only to have her pass away, and I realize that I have endured nothing compared to her. But it feels good to get it out, and to remind all you who read this what an amazing little man he is. I know God has big things planned for him. He is one of those truly special souls that is rare and precious, and I am so very grateful that I get to be a small part of his life. All is well and as it should be, but it's still.....just sad.

5 comments:

Lindsay said...

{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}} Praying for you in your sadness. Love the way you so fully give yourself to the children the Lord has placed in your life. Your kids are so fortunate to have you and Jason in their lives.

ange said...

praying for you. I know you have a hole and I pray that God gives you peace. do you ever just want to scream its not fair! but in reality, we know life isn't about being fair it is about being obedient.............
ya just rambling
know I am praying for you
ange

Kara said...

There is definitely something to raising a child who has unique needs, something about the struggle, something about the perspective it can provide. It can be incredibly fulfilling. I can see why you would long for him. Just be still and listen, your answers will come to you. Maybe not tomorrow, though. :)

Momto13 said...

The letting go is SO hard to do. I have accepted the fact that I will never get over Ella's passing, and it's just become part of who we are. Angeline reminds us daily when she says "buggy-ella", that is her way of letting us know that she wants to see pictures of them. And when we walk through the garage and she see's the car seats she get's crazy and excited thinking that they might be out there, her little baby friends, waiting to play with her. I will pray for you and your family during this time, we know how hard it is!
Much love and many blessings,
Sarah

Emily said...

Heather, I just want you to know that your feelings are not selfish...they are natural and uncontrollable. The fact that you kept him, knowing how hard it would be to give him up again and yet still going through the process was extremely selfless! Your heart is beautiful!