Lately I have sort of gotten the bug to add a child to our family. When that happens I always start praying, and try to weed out any thoughts or ideas about it that are not from God. This time I realized that I don't want another child in our lives, I want the one that left already. I miss him so much. Every time I would think of adopting my thoughts would always return to him. He's way too special to be easily replaced. Don't misunderstand. I know he is happy and healthy where he is and I know things are the way they should be. BUT that doesn't make it hurt any less. His memory comes to me all day long. When we are in the car I remember him singing and dancing to the music. When we are watching Dora I remember the way he would say "oh man!" and get up to start dancing with the music. D has this thing where he assigns a family member to each person in a show or movie. Yesterday he was watching Toy Story 2 and he was Buzz lightyear, G was Woody, Daddy was Bullseye and I was Jesse, and then he assigned Berny to the penguin. Then later he asked me if Berny was on vacation. I said no, that he was home. This kind of thing happens at least 5 or 6 times a day. I'm pretty sure he thinks his little play buddy is coming back still. Every time I take D to school I remember how he begged to go too, and I remember the sheer joy on his face when I took him in one day and he plopped himself right down in a chair and started playing. He looked up at me as if to say, "now, this is what I'm talkin about!" I remember him proudly walking in the costume parade. He was one of about three kids who actually waved and smiled. When I put D to bed at night I remember him reading along with "If You Give A Mouse a Cookie" and I remember him praying. I remember his silly, gravely little laugh amd I remember how he would come to my bed in the mornings for snuggle time. I remember the time he covered the entire downstairs hallway wall with pencil drawings, and the look of surprise on his face that I was NOT impressed. I remember the way he pouted when he didn't get his way, but then couldn't help but laugh if you teased him. I remember him joining in the screaming frenzy when Jay walked in the door from work and how Jay would have to fight through the melee of kids to get to him because he couldn't shove his way to the front. After all this remembering I get sad wondering if HE remembers anything. It seems silly to even post this. It's all just selfishness. I think of Sarah who sent Christella back only to have her pass away, and I realize that I have endured nothing compared to her. But it feels good to get it out, and to remind all you who read this what an amazing little man he is. I know God has big things planned for him. He is one of those truly special souls that is rare and precious, and I am so very grateful that I get to be a small part of his life. All is well and as it should be, but it's still.....just sad.