Saturday, April 26, 2008

Words Get In The Way

Perhaps you have noticed it has been a long time since my last real entry. Hopefully you have not because your life is way too full and exciting to care! I can't tell you how many times I have come to sit in front of the computer to share with you all I am feeling. And I would sit...and sit... and then a kid would need me, or the phone would ring, or a dog would need to go out. So, here I am, finally ready...I think, to give words to the jumble that has been on my heart.





March 10th G turned seven years old. He was not in a good place at the time. His party was kept small with just family and a few close friends who we consider family. The day after his birthday we met with his new psychiatrist. She was great. I really liked her. She gave us a prescription. I filled it and then got on line to do some research and got more and more scared. I hated the idea of my son having to take this for the rest of his life. It really freaked me out. But then I remembered how G had said he wanted to die, the grief that came over him as he tried to understand why he wasn't like everyone else. I remembered the anger, the rages, the broken stuff. I decided I HAD to do SOMETHING. So, I gave him his first dose. And then I cried.



And then, although I didn't realize it at the time, I think I shut down for a while. I put a do not enter sign on my heart, and refused to acknowledge any new emotions. I was spiritually and emotionally spent, drained, done, over it.

April 4th and 5th was our churches women's retreat. I went. Depserate for the Lord to meet me there. I knew He was the only thing that was going to make it ok. He came through in amazing ways. He let me grieve and cry and yell. He didn't chastise me for it. Instead, He held out his arms and comforted me and reminded me that I am His precious daughter. He took me to scripture after scripture about being in the dry places, the place of bitterness, the place of Naomi's "marah". He showed me that I was not alone in that place. Then He revealed some of my heart to me. He showed me the fear that I have let consume me. Fear of not being a good enough Mother, Wife, Friend, Christian. Fear of the things I cannot control in my children's lives. He asked me to lay it down. To give it to Him. Just as He did for the Israelites in the desert, He made my bitter water to be sweet. It was a precious time with the Lord, and I am so thankful that He is ever patient and ever gracious to continue to meet me where I am.

So, here we are a month and a half later and things are going so well with G. He is really making huge improvements. It's good, but I hate to think it's the medication. I don't want that to be the problem, and I don't want him to have to be on this forever. But I have put my fears about it at the Lord's feet and I am enjoying the good days. I can see G really trying to stop and think before he explodes. He is affectionate and loving and so many of his insecurities about his place in our family are coming to the surface now that he can give voice to them. It has been so hard to watch him grieve for his birth mom, for the loss of what his life would've been with her. He is a compassionate soul, and he genuinely worries about her. I am beginning to see that his anger was a shield to protect his very tender soul. I am so proud of him. He is working through things that no 7 year old should have to think about.

So, things are pretty good right now. I need God's grace to get me through each day. But that is a good thing. I hope I never begin to feel self sufficient!

In other news: D's end of the year preschool program is tonight. Stay tuned for adorable pictures and maybe even video(;

2 comments:

Mrs. Incredible said...

Heather,

Thank you for your honesty and your courage in what you've shared. You have been a role model for me as a baby Christian (and before I even became a Christian!) and I cannot tell you how much it means to me to know I am not alone in grieving and fighting for my son. I was embarrassed when he was in the hospital, concerned about what other people would think. And yet, if he had cancer, or diabetes, I wouldn't hesitate to get him the help he needed, I would fight with every last breath to help him get well. He is out, and on meds, and I both hate the meds, and pray they will work, that he won't have to be so angry and hateful, that he can know love and reciprocate it, that he can experience happiness.

You're in my prayers, as always.
Love, Corey

Heather said...

Corey,
Thank you thank you thank you for your support, encouragement, and prayers(: You know of course that you always have mine as well. This road is I'm sure, not what either of us expected, and holds much more pain than we thought, but hopefully the beauty will be worth it.

Love to you and your gang,
Heather