Thursday, January 3, 2008

Honestly

Can I be honest for a minute? I mean really brutally honest? OK, here it is. The truth. I am scared to go back to Haiti. When Berny came to us last summer and caused us to cancel our trip I took a secret sigh of relief. I am not scared of being kidnapped at gunpoint or malaria or "Haitian happiness". I am scared that one of two things will happen. 1.) I will fall in love again. I will not want to leave. The ache in my heart that I once felt will return and I will again feel out of place in my own home, town, country. I will again walk around wondering where to be and what to be doing, in a haze of atrophied guilt. I will vascilate between joy in anticipation of when I can go next, and frustration that it will never be enough. OR 2.) I will feel nothing beyond, "wasn't it nice to see our friends". I will come home happily.

I am not sure which would be worse. I'm in a funny place right now. God is teaching me about contentment and He is showing me how far I have to go in so many areas. I have a feeling, that is familiar, that He is preparing me for something. I usually like it because I start to wonder what new adventure He has for me. This time, for some reason, I feel hesitant. I recognize that as a lack of faith, and I am seeking forgiveness and boldness.
"He who calls you is faithful. HE will surely do it."
1Thessalonians 5:24

2 comments:

Lindsay said...

Hi Heather, The Lord is teaching me a lot about contentment as well along with trusting Him above all else. Will pray re: timing re: your next trip to Haiti or if the Lord wants to continue to bring a taste of Haiti to you via children He sends your way.

Mrs. Incredible said...

Heather,

I hear ya, sister.

Love, Corey