Samuel Update

He is here, he is safe! He is a tiny 4.5 pounds! Today he is getting a spinal tap to check for infections, an MRI and surgery is scheduled for Monday. An experienced host mom has been found in the city where his care is so for now we are not hosting. I am sad. I feel a strange connection to this baby. I want to be with him right now, but I know that the Lord is working this out so I am not going to push for my way. I will wait. We will be doing respite for him so I WILL eventually get my hands on him(:

Pray For Samuel

Please continue to pray for Samuel today as he travels. Pray that his sack does not begin to leak, that there are no infections or emergencies as he makes his way to us. Also please pray for his mom who this morning had to hand her very fragile baby boy over to strangers. Her heart must be aching right now. I will let you know as soon as I hear he is safely at the hospital! Until then my heart is in my throat...

All Or Nothing

I have been reminded recently that the Christian life is all consuming. It is not a side dish. It is not a hobby. It is not a part of who you are. It IS who you are. You cannot go about your day doing as you please, living, working, eating, sleeping, and not have it be the driving force in every one of those moments. I used to live my life without that truth. I used to thank God for my salvation and then do what I pleased. The more I learn about the Lord the more I see Him everywhere and in everything. I am emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually ready to go all out for the Lord. I have come to the conclusion that all other pursuits apart from knowing and loving him are empty and lead only to despair.

Of course with every realization, every growth spurt if you will, there are growing pains. My problem currently is this: There is so much need, so much hurt. I want to help, to fix it all, to be everything to everyone. But obviously I can't do that. God has given me the ache in my heart that wants to comfort a child or nurture their dreams. He has given me a desire for other things like ASL, serving in church children's ministry, possibly a drama club. All of these things are good and would be done in a heart of service to the Lord, but I am only one. What does God want me to do. Just me. That is what I am waiting to hear. I do not want to pridefully pursue all things because I will fail. I want to hear from the Lord. I want to seek his face and ask him what I could possibly do that would please him. What beautiful thing does He have for me just around the bend? I do not want to be led about by my own emotions and desires. I want to pray for my heart to be in sync with my Lord's and when I have heard from Him I can move forward with all the eagerness I can muster knowing it is absolutely the right direction. That's when things get really exciting!

Baby Samuel

Please pray for this little guy. He got his visa to come from Haiti this morning! WOOHOO! He will be traveling tomorrow. He has spina bifida. Pray for safety for him, and for his health. he will go directly from the airport to the hospital late tomorrow night. And yes we might be hosting him. Pray for that too. We are leaving it in God's hands!

Guilt And Pride

I got a new car. It's very pretty and shiny and I both love and hate having it. Whether we like it or not what we drive says something about us, just like what we wear or eat or say. My old '99 Mercury Villager said, "I'm a practical Mom and my identity is not tied up in appearances." I liked that about it. It had ground in french fries in the carpet and melted crayons in the cup holders. It was scratched and stinky. It wasn't until I got this new one that I realized I was proud of the old one. It was a badge of honor for me. It told people I had my priorities straight. BUT it had to go. Many things were breaking and it just didn't make sense to keep stitching up a dead horse. So, we kept our eyes open for a good deal. This past weekend we found it. A 2004 Durango with only 16000 miles on it. Super cheap and super clean. DONE. It also happens to have aftermarket wheels to add to the bling factor. I love driving it, but I hate thinking what people must think of me. It's one of several things; 1) I am killing the planet with my gas guzzling self. 2) I am self absorbed and vain. 3) My priorities are all out of whack - I mean there are starving children in the world!

So, as I'm driving along thinking all of these things it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been a judgemental jerk. And now I am heaping on myself the coals I had once reserved for others. I feel guilty driving this car. Not because we spent too much, and not because we didn't need it. Simply because of the image I feel it portrays. Now that is vain!

Another Great Ministry

http://sarahscovenanthomes.blogspot.com/2009/01/surgeries-still-needed.html

Thanks to Dorothy at "Urban Servant" I have gotten to learn about this amazing ministry. You could seriously change a childs life by helping with one of these surgeries. You can learn more about the ministry by clicking on "Sarah's Covenant Homes".

All Accounted For And Happy

...well relatively speaking.

Since the last post caused my Mom to call and make sure G was not duck taped to a wall somewhere I thought I should let you all know that we are fine. He is doing ok, we are making progress, he is learning and THIS IS A PROCESS. I have to remind myself of that often. This is no quick fix kind of thing. If I look back a year or even 6 months I see HUGE improvement. I have to remember that. And my vent sessions here are very cathartic for me. It is much healthier to do it here where he will never see it than to say something to him that I will regret. Sooooo, all is well. No need to call CPS!

Turn Up The AC

I understand at this point in my walk with the Lord that stepping out ups the anty. I get that. Still, every time it sort of catches me off guard. My attachment challenged child has regressed a bit lately. I call him attachment challenged because he doesn't have RAD. He's just so ridiculously insecure about EVERYTHING that he acts like a complete butt head sometimes. I don't know why he can go for weeks at a time being "almost normal" and then will decide it is time to act like an idiot. Maybe he is thinking about his birth mom. Maybe the foster care thing brings up issues for him. Maybe the enemy is messing with me. Maybe there is no reason at all. I don't know and I don't care. Ok, maybe I care a little. But the why is sort of irrelevant to my response. I have two choices. Seriously I have played it all out in my head and it comes down to TWO. I can freak out, get scared, start thinking about what a horrible life he will have if he doesn't learn to manage his feelings, and how can I possibly take on something new when I haven't even figured out what is going on with him, and man I am tired of this I just want to throw my hands up and say never mind. OR I can trust and hope. I can trust that God has a plan, that he loves AC boy more than I do, that he is directing my steps, that he will never leave me, that he will give me the tools I need and the strength to use them. And I can hope that some how, some way my little Gabe will get radically transformed by Jesus' love. Because really my love, Jason's love, the love from his siblings and grandparents all just scratches the surface of the deep cavern in him that needs filling. Seriously, he is an emotional black hole. Only God can do that. While I wait and pray I will ask the Lord to fill me up so that I can be poured out - poured into the black hole. I will choose to trust and hope.

In The Truck On 501

There are moments in in time that live forever. I remember Jason kissing me for the first time. I remember our wedding and looking into his eyes and having ZERO doubt. I remember seeing my first positive pregnancy test. I remember my second positive pregnancy test which was a bit more shocking(: I remember the first time I sawGabe's picture and wanting to reach into it and hold him. I remember a phone call on September 29, 2004 from Jason saying to call the social worker because our son was in Haiti and we had to go get him. These moments are the ones we look back on and smile because of where they took us. Driving home from the foster parenting meeting may one day be a forever moment. We talked about the things that had led us to this moment in time and how we had been prepared in certain ways. There were mundane things like not being on vacation when the training would take place - which was clearly a God thing. And the fact that my ASL class had switched nights but I had not signed up for my women's bible study when it did so that we would be free on the nights we needed. We talked about how we had learned to let go when we wanted to hold on and how we had learned to let go when God said it was not ours to hold. We reminded each other of God's sovereign plans and the peace that he gives when you obey. Though it may be peace in the midst of pain. Jason said he didn't want to guess at what God was going to do, but we could both imagine looking back on that night as the beginning...of something.

I am going to assume that this leg of our lives together may be the most difficult yet because God is not content with letting us be stagnant. His love for us is too great. He wants us to grow in our knowledge of who he is, and in our love for those around us. I'm thinking this adventure will allow for lots of both!

Baby Steps..Get On The Bus

I have learned at this point to never say never. There was a time that I said I would never homeschool. If you go way back there was a time I said I would never have kids. Well, I am officially beginning the process on another never.

We are moving forward. We can't say that we know what will happen or how far this bus will take us, but we both have great peace about starting the journey. Last night we attended our first foster parenting meeting. We have committed to the training program which will be twice a week until April. As we drove home last night we felt good, peaceful and expectant. We both feel that lots of things had fallen into place for us to begin this journey at this moment, and we can see God's hand in it. YIKES! Pray for us(:

To Answer Jason's Question:

No, God did not look like this when he told me the mop joke!

Shout Out and Silly Conversations

So, to sort of add to the discussion below I have to point you to two new blogs I have recently been introduced to. They are linked on the right. One is called, The Journey and it is the story of a 20 something girl/woman who is radically obedient like few I have seen. Just go read her! The other is called, Calling For Justice, and I want to go read more, but from what I gather it is a SAHM like me who saw injustice and decided to do something about it. She has auctions and stuff on her blog. She may not make the news (yet) but she is being obedient.

These two women are not doing the same thing (ok did the sesame street song just pop into your head too? - I digress) but they are both doing what God has put in front of them.

So my silly conversation goes like this: (It's between me and God by the way - He speaks to me during everyday tasks like this alot - in the summer He is my gardening companion.)

I was mopping the kitchen floor. It was gross. I thought to myself, "why am I doing this, it's just going to get dirty again," as Chance and Daniel both walk right over it.

God: "Maybe you don't mop it to make it clean. Maybe you just mop it cause it's dirty and you own a mop."

You can take that one at face value or extrapolate as far as you want. I just thought it was hilarious, and I love when God makes me smile like that.

Questions On The Journey

I love that the Christian life is such a journey. I know that no matter how much God teaches me here on this planet it will only scratch the surface of His truth. Recently my internal thought processes have focused on the perceived dilemma between "doing" and "grace". There seems to be this rift between the two in the church today. Some are saying we have to do more. It is our responsibility to _________. Fill in the blank with whatever makes you feel most guilty. The other side says there is nothing we can do to add or subtract. We have freedom in Christ. If you feel so led to do________. Go right ahead, but for goodness sakes don't feel guilty. I don't know what the answer is. I do know that ultimately these are two sides of the same coin. We are called AND we are free. So where does freedom end and sin begin? I am free to live in a house with 4 bathrooms while others in the world have no running water. But is it sinful? I am free to have a pantry with food always in it, and put more food in the trash in a week than some people eat in a month. But is it sinful? I am free to send a check to the direct tv people every month so that I can be entertained while mothers sell their children into slavery so that they can feed their families. But is it sinful? Tara recently linked an article on her blog that gave me some chunky food for thought. You know - the soup that eats like a meal kind of thought. You can read it here:http://www.globalcompassion.com/2009/01/05/love-justice-compassion-ego/. So, here I am living in the USA. By some standards I live extravagantly. By others I am pretty frugal. Where does my life become sinful?

Let me sort of switch gears for a minute. I've been praying about something for a while. It's one of those step out sort of things. I can't say that I have gotten the, "Yes, Heather I want you to do this right now!" from God. It is on my heart. That's all. So I asked Jason to be praying about it. So far he says he isn't feeling led. Here's my question. If there is a need, and if you are physically, emotionally, practically able to meet that need is "not feeling led" enough reason to not do it? Don't get me wrong - the ability would come from God. Humanly speaking it would be hard, very hard. And please don't misunderstand. I have the utmost respect for Jason's ability to hear from the Lord. He has proven himself to be an amazing spiritual leader in our family. I'm just throwing out the idea that maybe sometimes, instead of hearing a big ole yes from God, not hearing a no might be enough to move forward. I don't know. Maybe I need to sit tight and keep praying for a big yes. Maybe I need to move forward until a door shuts.

So, back to discussion A. When Jesus says to look after the orphan and widow or to help the poor, what does that look like in real life. Should we all trim our lives down to the absolute essentials. And what would those be? Really. And if you see a need, could fill it, but it would be a huge huge sacrifice should you do it simply and solely on the basis that the need exists? Should you not do it based solely on the fact that you haven't gotten a direct and specific call from the Lord?

Gabe-ism

Last night in the Mc D's drive thru:
"Gabe what do you want"

"Two red cartons of fries." (Translation: two larges)

"Is that all??"

pause...

" And lots of ketchup?"

hilarious

Success!

Sydney's party was so much fun! Here she is blowing out the candles on her cake. Notice the ridiculous blob of blue that used to say, "Happy 10th Birthday Sdyney". I couldn't figure out why it spread so badly until I got home and realized I had bought the cookie decorating icing and not the cake writing icing. Yes, I am a dufus.The whole gang minus Gabe - he was off looking cool and could not possibly get in a picture with all those girls. Daniel's philosophy : bring on the ladies!
Jason saw this hat and said Sydney had to have it. She was so cute skating around with it on! She has always had her own personal sense of "style" and no one can tell her she doesn't look great. Well, you can try, but she won't believe you. I love that about her.

I was a little hesitant to have so many girls stay over - especially ones I had never met. But I was so pleasantly surprised. All the girls were very sweet and respectful. They were goofy and had a blast, but were never rude or flat out disobedient. It was fun to spend time with them and listen to 10 year old girl talk, which thankfully was fairly void of boy stuff - except for the occasional, "ooh, he's gross" or "he is so annoying". I think we are safe for a few more years(:

TWO HANDS!!!

My sweet baby girl is 10 years old as of 10:22 last night. She is amazing, funny, smart, beauitful, and melts me with her sweet blue eyes. Which is why I agreed, in a moment of weakness, to take 7 girls to laser tag and roller skating and then offered for them to come spend the night. I'm preparing for lots of squealing and giggling. I have ear plugs and Excedrin on hand. Pray for me people.

And so it begins

I am saddened to see it in writing, but knew it was coming. Why such urgency to quickly make it possible to kill a child?? Lord, forgive them for they know not what they do.

From Yahoo News:
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama plans to sign an executive order ending the ban on federal funds for international groups that promote or perform abortions, officials told The Associated Press on Friday.
The move, long expected in the Democratic president's first week in office, will be welcomed by liberals and criticized by abortion rights foes.
The policy bans U.S. taxpayer money, usually in the form of U.S. Agency for International Development funds, from going to international family planning groups that either offer abortions or provide information, counseling or referrals about abortion. It is also known as the "global gag rule," because it prohibits taxpayer funding for groups that even talk about abortion if there is an unplanned pregnancy.
Also known as the "Mexico City policy," it has been reinstated and then reversed by Republican and Democratic presidents since GOP President Ronald Reagan established it in 1984. President Bill Clinton ended the ban in 1993, but President George W. Bush re-instituted it in 2001 as one of his first acts in office.

Daniel-Isms

I discovered that D had written on his duvet cover with dry erase marker. I said, "I saw that you wrote on your blanket."

With sheepish grin, "mmm-hmmm"

"You know we only write on paper right?"

'Yeah, but Mom, I had something to say."

Yesterday we were talking about his mama in Haiti. He said he wanted to go see Haiti. I said we could go visit one day.
He said, "OK, but I don't want you to leave me there, cause you my mama."
(Trying not to cry now) I say, "I will never leave you and I will always be your mama."
He says with an impish grin, "But sometimes I'm mean."
"Even when you are mean I will still be your mama!"

Seriously, this child is so in tune with his feelings for a four year old.

God Answers Prayer!

In case you doubted it. I just have to give credit where credit is due. Since we pulled Gabe back home for school it has been a roller coaster ride of good and bad days. I knew sending him back to school was not an option. It stresses him completely out - to the point of incapacitating him. He literally would be in a heap on the floor crying. But, he was not doing well with me either. We do not work well together. He is terrified of messing up or looking dumb in front of me. No matter how many times I would say that I didn't care if he got things wrong as long as he gave it a shot, he would still freeze up at any hint of new material that he could not just fly through. I prayed and prayed and came up with the thought of having someone come to our home to teach him. Immediately a person at our church came to mind, she is licensed as a special education teacher and has worked with all sorts of kids, but she has 3 kids of her own that she homeschools and I just wrote it off thinking she would be too busy. A couple of weeks later at Wednesday night service I raised my hand for prayer. The people who gathered and prayed for me, without knowing the circumstance, were able to pray exactly for what I needed. I felt such peace and comfort walking out of that service. Then on my way down the hall to get D from class I looked up at the bulletin board and saw a flyer for tutoring. Yep, you guessed it. Same lady I had thought of. I actually laughed out loud. God is so good. So I called her and she laughed with me(: It is actually an answer to prayer for them as well since her husband hasn't had much work in this economy. G has been going to her for two weeks now and is doing GREAT! His attitude with her is wonderful and it sort of spills over into his attitude with me. She is an outside source telling him that he is smart. He may be more likely to believe her!

It may seem like a small thing, but it was such an encouragement to me exactly when I needed it. So maybe it will give you hope as well that God does hear us and He does answer, just at the right time.

Political post in response to those I may have offended by being happy today.

I just watched the inauguration with Madeline and Sydney. It was so fun to see all those people. The comraderie was evident. I DO think it is significant that a black man is now in the White House. I am frustrated with those who try to diminish the importance of this moment. I was happy today as I watched Obama sworn in. And I didn't vote for him. I vote pro-life. Always. I WAS an unplanned pregnancy and I am so glad my Mom chose life for me.

BUT

I do not believe that morality can be legislated. I will vote my conscience and always side with life, but for me that also means being pro-gun control. I do not fit the Republican mold. I do not think that because a pro choice president has been elected that our nation instantaneously has become less moral. We were just as immoral yesterday. Morality will only ever come from the only true good - God. My God is bigger than politics and my saviour Jesus is my only true hope. I will choose to be happy in this moment because I know God is in control. I will choose to be happy in this moment because it is historic and evidence of our great nations ability to govern itself peacefully. I will choose to be happy in this moment because my sons of the tannish/brownish persuasion will see a man of color leading our nation. So now, I will pray for him, that he will do so with humility and wisdom. I pray that he is brought to his knees before the almighty creator. I pray that in whatever way God sees fit to accomplish it, our nation will be humbled and turn our eyes to HIM.