Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Turn Up The AC

I understand at this point in my walk with the Lord that stepping out ups the anty. I get that. Still, every time it sort of catches me off guard. My attachment challenged child has regressed a bit lately. I call him attachment challenged because he doesn't have RAD. He's just so ridiculously insecure about EVERYTHING that he acts like a complete butt head sometimes. I don't know why he can go for weeks at a time being "almost normal" and then will decide it is time to act like an idiot. Maybe he is thinking about his birth mom. Maybe the foster care thing brings up issues for him. Maybe the enemy is messing with me. Maybe there is no reason at all. I don't know and I don't care. Ok, maybe I care a little. But the why is sort of irrelevant to my response. I have two choices. Seriously I have played it all out in my head and it comes down to TWO. I can freak out, get scared, start thinking about what a horrible life he will have if he doesn't learn to manage his feelings, and how can I possibly take on something new when I haven't even figured out what is going on with him, and man I am tired of this I just want to throw my hands up and say never mind. OR I can trust and hope. I can trust that God has a plan, that he loves AC boy more than I do, that he is directing my steps, that he will never leave me, that he will give me the tools I need and the strength to use them. And I can hope that some how, some way my little Gabe will get radically transformed by Jesus' love. Because really my love, Jason's love, the love from his siblings and grandparents all just scratches the surface of the deep cavern in him that needs filling. Seriously, he is an emotional black hole. Only God can do that. While I wait and pray I will ask the Lord to fill me up so that I can be poured out - poured into the black hole. I will choose to trust and hope.

1 comment:

Troy & Tara Livesay said...

love back at you! prayers for you as you choose to trust and hope!