Just do what?

I am getting too comfortable. I am feeling that things are settling down, life is calm, and I am experiencing a level of comfort that scares the jeebers out of me! Why? Because when I am this comfortable I don't want God to ask me to do anything. Yep, I said it, right there out in the open for all to read. It is embarrassing, but worse than that, it is heartbreaking to my Saviour. Why am I so stubborn about this stuff? I can think back on my life and see that everytime I got an assignment from God my joy exploded. His care in guiding me resulted in miraculous moments where His presence was so overpowering all I could do was weep at His goodness and grace. And yet...here I sit saying, "Yeah Lord, that was great, but things are really good right now. Please don't disturb my peaceful, self-centered existence just now. Maybe in a year or so I will be ready to do something, but for now can I just serve my flesh and do what I want to do." His spirit in me grieves just writing that. If I am in right relationship with Him aren't my desires and His supposed to be ONE. And yet the fear grips me. I know from experience that God's assigments, although ultimately beautiful for my soul, often start out as painful sacrifices. I remember the sleepless nights crying for my son. He was hundreds of miles away sharing a crib with atleast two other babies. I pictured him sucking his thumb and rocking himself back and forth, back and forth. I asked God how it could be a part of His plan for this child to learn to rock himself to sleep when here I was wanting so desperately to do it. I fearfully asked God if D would ever come home. I remember the night when God said, " I want you to be more in love with ME than you are afraid to lose this child." Was I? Well, perhaps not in that moment, but in that moment I asked God to make that happen in me. I knew I couldn't do it, but I knew HE could do it. And then came the peace. AHH yes, the sweet peace that passes understanding. And now here I am after having my son home for over a year. I have seen the healing take place in his heart. I have watched the fear slowly fade as it is replaced with a sense of security and knowing that he is loved. Now it seems I need to ask the Lord to do the same thing in my heart.




" Lord, please replace this fear in my heart with a knowledge of your love. Let your love give me boldness. Let your love be all that I need and give me the courage to risk everything else."

Plans change...(ours, not God's!)

The girls and I visited their school today. It was wonderful. The prinicipal and teachers were all so nice and happy to welcome the girls. It felt really good and really right. I thank God for giving me that peace because honestly I second guess the decision daily. At every turn he is confirming it though.


So, true confessions time. I have always imagined myself on the mission field. And when we adopted D I felt sure that Haiti was the place where God would lead us. Aside from other benefits of homeschooling it has always sort of been my way to prepare for leaving. I didn't want to get used to the kids being in school. I didn't want roots that deep. I wanted to be ready to go at a moments notice. I have fought this sort of blending in with society and doing the suburban mom thing. Maybe not consciously, but I realize that letting go of that, atleast for now, has been a part of my grieving process. Jay has made it clear that we are not going to the mission field anytime soon. He acknowledges it is a definite possibility in the future, but God has not said "now" yet. So, I am stepping out into the world. And I feel this beautiful peacefulness from the Lord. Why did I think He would love me more, be more pleased with me if I went to some foreign country. He wants me to serve him contentedly from wherever I am. If it is possible, I think for me wanting to be on the mission field became almost sinful. I elevated it to a place of "better Christianity" in a way. And yet, where is the grace in that. And where is there room for the Lord to have a place for us all, a special plan just for us that may or may not include ever leaving home. I still hope for that call, but only if it is what He wants from us. And I am so grateful for a God who is bigger than place or circumstance and can use me wherever He wants me to be. May my eyes stay open to the needs that are right here in front of me everyday!


So, as the girls and I discussed school Madiboo asked if it was a Christian school, and I said no it is public. She and Sunshine both got huge grins on their faces and S chimed in, "Now we can tell some people about Jesus!" Out of the mouths of babes.


Random pictures from the past month: Bonfire night, and cow chasing in the pasture next door.

School

Well, one of the big decisions we made was that Madiboo and Sunshine would go to school next year. I have homeschooled them for the past four years so this is a huge decision for me. I know it is what God is saying to do right now, and I am trusting in that - even as I doubt, question and grieve over it. Sounds real trusting huh? I am sad that I will miss all those experiences with them during the day. I am sad that they will lose some of the innocence they still have. I am sad that they will lose that time with each other. On the other hand I am grateful that they have wonderful friends at the school who are Christians and will help them adjust. I am happy I will have the time to devote to helping G build his confidence. I am happy that my dear friend Stacy will be teaching D's preschool class. I am scared that the girls will have a bad experience, get teased, be behind etc etc. I am scared that I will lose some of the closeness we share now. Ultimately though, I am happy that God made this clear so that I can trust it and begin to move forward with a new plan. My image of my life as this "outside the box, homeschooling rebel" has caved to become one of those that bucks to the system! HAHA(: I guess I will have to rebel in other ways.... details to come(:

My BEST Friend!

My husband is the most awesome husband and friend any girl could ask for! Recently we have been struggling with some parenting questions, schooling questions, etc. etc. I knew I could honestly and openly go to Jay and ask him to pray and then to lead our family in whatever direction he felt God wanted for us. And here is the real kicker - I KNEW he would actually PRAY! Then the past few days I was feeling God leading in a certain way so I mentioned it to him today and he had been getting the same thing from the Lord. That was all the confirmation we needed. It is so beautiful how God uses a marriage when it is centered on Him. I feel so blessed to have this Godly man guiding my family and I thank God for him everyday. Sorry ladies - he is soooooo taken!

The Toughest Job on the Planet!

I have been at this parenting thing for ten years now and am finding that I have come up with more questions than answers. I have read gazillions of books on the subject, talked with other parents, prayed, prayed and prayed some more. Recently I have discovered an entirely new parenting paradigm. Of course when I say "new" I guess I mean it is being rediscovered. As Solomon said, "there is nothing new under the sun". Something I have realized through the years is that, as with many things, parenting is very culturally diverse and thus attitude and perceptions about what is "the right way" are strongly driven by cultural values, mores, and assumptions. Often in the Christian community the "spare the rod, spoil the child" attitude is carried out in a way that far removes itself from the original intent of training, teaching and correcting. I am finding myself becoming more open-minded than ever before on this parenting journey. Of course, my every present litmus test is My Lord Jesus Christ and His Word. If anything comes in conflict with HIM it is immediately thrown out. As my good friend Lindsay once told me, "all truth is God's truth". If it is true, it will be supported by Him and His Word.

With that I will direct you to two websites that have got me thinking lately. If you are a Christian and have thoughts about them please post a comment!

www.aolff.com

www.postinstitute.com

Why?

As I wake up this morning and remember the horror of yesterday, and that it in fact did happen and was not a dream that we could wake from, my mind went back to a post I read on the Livesay's blog a few days ago. It is so appropriate now and gives me comfort. I'm not sure if it will do so for anyone else, but go give it a read and see what you think.

http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/2007/04/lessons-from-prayer-rock.html

And please join me in prayer for all the famlies of those affected in the Virginia Tech tragedy.

Big God, Small Me

As I sat in the hospital waiting for Skyline to come out of surgery I finished reading my latest book, Henry Blackaby's "Experiencing God". One of the larger points in it is how God uses our obedience so that He can recieve the glory and others can come to know Him. So, when God gives you an assignment and it is 'God-sized', everyone will know it is actually Him accomplishing it through you. You alone would be completely incapable of getting it done. You know it. Everyone knows it. God gets the glory. It's a beautiful system.

Then this morning I was reading from Jonah, and I just had to laugh out loud at how awesome our God is. You see Jonah had an assignment from God, but he chose to disobey. There he was hiding out on the ship and all the sailors wondering why the terrible storm had come. When Jonah reveals it is his fault and is thrown overboard the storm immediately stops and what happens then? The sailors WORSHIP GOD! Even in Jonah's disobedience God was glorified. I love that. How awesome is our God?

My Baby is TWO HANDS!

My first baby is TEN years old!! Goodness where does the time go? I just had to brag on her a little bit. She has been a joy and a light in our lives since the day she was born. She has always been gentle, sweet natured and exceptionally bright. We feel so honored to be her parents and we love her dearly. Her compassion for others and her love for the Lord are well beyond her years. She is often the voice of wisdom when her siblings are fighting. She can regularly be heard saying things like, "The Bible says to love each other guys!" and "Maybe God is trying to teach us something here." I just grin at what a blessing she is and will continue to be to the world. It can only be a better place because of her presence. I am awed and humbled that I got to be the one to give birth to her and watch her become all God has for her to be. Madiboo, I LOVE YOU!

Feeling burdened?

Then Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light."
Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

My pastor recently spoke about burdens. He found it troubling that many Christians suffer "burn out" and reminded us of Jesus' words "my yoke is easy and my burden is light". He then went on to describe how as a carpenters son, Jesus would've understood very well the process of measuring, making and fitting a yoke to an ox. It would be designed to fit and not put pressure or wear in any one spot. So when Jesus says his yoke is easy it would indicate that we should not feel burdened. The yoke He has given us to carry should suit us well. Perhaps our "burn out" comes from carrying something that He has not asked us to carry. Are you carrying something that He didn't give to you? And think of the illustration of the tree bearing fruit. Does the branch have to grunt and groan in order to produce a grape? Of course not. It is a natural result of the branch being attached to the vine. So, as we fellowship with the Lord, spend time in His word and in prayer our fruit comes naturally. If we have sore spots I guess it indicates one of two things - we are carrying some other ox's yoke, or we haven't been spending enough time with the carpenter getting fitted for ours!

"Remain in me and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from me."

John 15:4 NLT

Themes

Have you ever noticed when God wants to teach you about something it becomes a "theme" in your life. Everywhere you turn, everything you read, every person you talk to - there it is again! My theme right now is "loving God". I gave my heart and life to the Lord when I was 6 years old, and I have always loved Him. Still, recently it is becoming so obvious how lacking my love for Him is - especially when compared to His love for me! I've spent so much time in my life asking God what I can DO for Him, what His will is for my life, how can I serve Him more...better...stronger...harder. God has really convicted how self centered that line of thinking is. I mean certainly He has plans for me in my life of service to Him, but really above all that, and in fact more importantly, BEFORE all that, he desires that I love Him. Jesus said the most important commandment was to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Shouldn't that be my number one priority in life. And then as I get to know the person of God, His character, who He really is, and as I fall in love with Him, it will be a natural progression to then see His work in my life. I will know His voice more clearly. I will be more familiar with how He works. So, that is my prayer right now. "Lord help me to get to know you better. Help me to love you as deeply and powerfully as you loved me when you sent your son to die for me. Don't let me get so busy doing things 'for you' that I forget to just praise and love you simply for who you are."

Possessing Nothing

I know God's Word is where I need to be most. Still sometimes I find a book that awakens a new part of me. I believe that with the guidance of the Holy Spirit all scripture should do this, but I also think there are certain authors that God has used to really bring to life the Christian walk - C.S. Lewis, A.W. Tozer to name a couple.

So, that was my guilt free intro to tell you that I just finished reading Tozer's "Pursuit of God". Wow, what a convicting experience. The chapter on possessing nothing really made me take a hard look at my life. I have often returned from a trip to Haiti with a huge pile of guilt on my shoulders because I feel so blessed with my easy life here in the States. I wonder why I was born here and get to have running water and don't have to worry if my children will eat today. Part of me wanted to run away and live a monks life. If I could just deny all these worldy things then my physical life would suit the lowliness of being that I know is in my heart. After all, I do not deserve any of this. I am a pitiful sinner just like everyone else. Why have I been so blessed. I know, I know, talk about being self absorbed!! Someone needed to whack me over the head with the "it's not about you!" stick.

Anyhoo, then I got to the part where he studies Abraham's test of sacrificing Isaac. So, go read Genesis 22:16-18. Tozer has this to say about it,

"The old man of God lifted his head to respond to the Voice, and stood there on the mount strong and pure and grand, a man marked out by the Lord for special treatment, a friend and favorite of the Most High. Now he was a man wholly surrendered, a man utterly obedient, a man who possessed nothing. He had concentrated his all in the person of his dear son and God had taken it from him. God could have begun out on the margin of Abraham's life and worked inward to the center. He chose rather to cut quickly to the heart and have it over in one sharp act of separation. In dealing thus, He practiced an economy of means and time. It hurt cruelly, but it was effective. I have said that Abraham possessed nothing. Yet was not this poor man rich? Everything he had owned before was still his to enjoy: sheep, camels, herds and goods of every sort. He had also his wife and his friends, and best of all he had his son Isaac safe by his side. He had everything, but he possessed nothing. There is the spiritual secret. There is the sweet theology of the heart which can be learned only in the school of renunciation."

So, whether you have much or little is really meaningless in the spiritual realm. As long as whatever you have is wholly surrendered to the Lord you are the blessed "poor in spirit". So, now I look around me and consciously say to myself, "if it were gone tomorrow I would still have the Lord and He would still be good and He would still be in control." And that knowledge is all I ever really need to possess!

"The blessed ones who possess the kingdom are they who have repudiated every external thing and have rooted from their hearts all sense of possessing. These are the "poor in spirit." They have reached an inward state paralleling the outward circumstances of the common beggar in the streets of Jerusalem."

A.W. Tozer

Here Goes...

So, I've had this blog account for about a month now and... yep I'm just now getting to my first official post. I guess I wonder what a homeschooling, stay at home Mom of 4 (or 5) kids would have to offer to the ever witty and oh so inspiring blogging world. Then I thought, hey, this doesn't have to be about you - it can be a totally selfish, vent my feelings, wonder what God is doing in my life, outlet. So then it started to sound like fun - hehe(: The picture above is my family. Jay is my husband of 12.5 years and my absolute best friend in the whole world. He is an amzing husband and the best Dad in action I have ever seen! Madiboo is our soon to be 10 year old daughter. She is a type A first child and is a huge help to me. Sunshine is our 8 year old daughter and is "the class clown". She can always make us laugh - and she knows it. Goofy is our 6 year old son and he is one big ball of emotion. He is either totally giddy or totally miserable at any given moment and it can change on a dime. He keeps us guessing. Dimples is our 2.5 year old son and he is a goofball with a great adventurous spirit. We are not convinced that our family is complete, but we wait on the Lord for that one...



Just to remove all pretense right off the bat here is what we actually look like on a daily basis: