Though....Yet

"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exalt in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet. And he makes me walk on my high places."

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Berny is leaving us this coming Tuesday. He has been a joy and a blessing to us in his time here. I am embarrassed to admit that I want him to stay. I firmly believe that a child should be with his biological parents. If they are loving and nurturing, then that is always always always the best scenario. And yet, selfishly I have fantasized about him staying with us. Every night for the past few weeks as I put him and D to bed we would read a book, sing a song and pray. For prayers I had been praying for God to prepare Berny's heart to go home to his Mom and Dad. So the other night when I asked for requests D said, 'Berny's hawt (heart)' and Berny pointed to his blanket and I said, 'you want to thank God for your blanky?' and he nodded his head. These are the kind of precious moments that God has blessed me with. Who wouldn't want that to continue?? I know without a doubt that God has HUGE plans for Berny. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He has had multiple surgeries, multiple home transitions, multiple country transitions, complete paralysis and recovery, and through it ALL he has remained one of the most joyful, contented, beautiful souls I have ever known. I love him and I will miss him. God answered our prayers. Berny WILL walk off that plane to his parents!! Though Berny is not mine to keep, though my heart will break, yet I will praise the Lord for His grace on this little boys life.

Catching Up

Where to begin...

FIRST and MOST important - Berny is WALKING!!!!!! And not just barely toddling between us, he is actually walking everywhere and it is his preferred mode of transportation now! All glory has to go to God for this. His doctors and therapists are all just stunned and saying things like 'someone should do a case study on him' and 'I've never seen someone recover this fast' etc etc. We all just nod and grin and say that he has many people praying for him and God has had His hand on this boys life since the day he was born.

Another praise is that we met with a therapist concerning G last week and have a real hopefulness for him. If you have a mood swing/easily frustrated/highly irritable child I recommend "The Explosive Child" by Greene. It is truly helping us see his behaviour for what it is - a discrepancy in his brain wiring, and NOT an attitude problem. He is doing great and his teacher is a wonderful person who is so totally on board with helping him! What a praise. Thank you Lord! I really struggled with putting him in school, but now I can see that the structure of it is so good for him, and is something I could not provide - I'm a seat of your pants kind of girl! Plus, it was this huge, scary unknown for him and now he is doing it. What a confidence builder(:

The girls continue to do well. They love school and their friends. I told them the other day that they were young but they were already serving God. They are so mature and able to handle things that it gives me the time and energy to take care of the boys. Not every child could handle living in this house with such compassion and grace, but they do it beautifully. God has big plans for these girls! But for now, they are enabling me to fulfill the call on my life to be Mom to many. They truly are precious treasures to me!

And here are a few pics from our weekend in New York with Jay's sister. We came up and surprised her for her birthday and did the one night cruise out of Manhattan. It was a fun trip.

She was VERY surprised and broke into the ugly cry!
Ahh.... the beautiful Jersey Shore.
Heading under the Verrazano Narrows, and out to sea.
This is Jay's dramatic reenactment of the Exxon Valdeze accident.

Lindsay, these are for you(:
WOW, how stinkin' cute is my husband?!?!?!?




OK, back to nose and butt wiping....(: More later.

Pray for Cabaret

The Haitian town of Cabaret was flooded and people who had next to nothing lost even that. You can go to Licia's blog here http://www.xanga.com/no_Im_not_a_nurse and read about it or Lori's blog here http://www.xanga.com/haitinurse4life. I have no words.

Manic Monday

Jay and I just returned from a weekend away and this was perfect for my return. Found it in my in box. Thank you Lord. I love your sense of humor(:

Marriage Monday-Expectations

E-Mom is now hosting Marriage Mondays - which will fall the first Monday of the month. I am new to this whole blog networking thing, but basically you can check it out at the Chrysalis blog (linked at the left) and read other women's wisdom. Kinda cool.

For my part I feel led to talk about the expectations that we come into marriage with. My sister is newly engaged and will be wed in June of next year. As I watch her with her fiance I am reminded of how sweet those first years are together. You are so blissfully in love and completely gaga over this person that God has brought to you. For me, meeting Jay when I was barely 14 years old only added to the "sugar factor". But then I remember the first time he dispappointed me. I don't mean like he didn't get the door for me. I mean, like he really disappointed me in a huge way that broke my heart and left me licking my wounds. Who was this person? The Jay I married was nearly perfect. He was never going to hurt me. And yet, here I was, married to a man that had..... dare I say it.....FLAWS! Oh the horror of that realization. Could it be that he was mere flesh and blood??? At this point many marriages begin to flounder. The finger pointing begins and it is a downward spiral. BUT, if you will set your pride aside for a moment and remember that you too are human, that Christ died on the cross for you "while you were yet a sinner" then perhaps your righteous indignation will not be able to survive long. You have the opportunity to forgive and show grace, which is also a way to become more like your saviour. And oh, the beauty that comes next. Think about it. How do you feel when you know you have disapointed the Lord? And when you go to Him and ask for forgiveness and you feel that peace wash over you what happens in your heart? Your love grows! If your marriage survives disappointment it only gets stronger! If your love can survive testing it becomes more powerful and more beautiful. You can look back at the trials and say,"hey, look what our love was able to overcome!" It is yet another example of how marriage is a perfect picture of Christ and His church. His love for us will never fail!

Fail

And above all things have fervent love for one another, for 'love will cover a multitude of sins'.
1 Peter 4:8

Awesome Adoption Video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBhaGS3S99I

You have to see this, but go get some tissues first!

God is good...

all the time. Even when I am crying and broken and wondering what in the world good can come of something, I know that I know that I know that God is always good and His ways are always perfect. Thanks to everyone who prayed (Corey, your comments were a great encouragement to me), and please continue to. I believe with all my heart that I am in a battle for my sons heart. (I will avoid sharing details to preserve his privacy, but I will report when progress is being made.) I also believe with all my heart that God has a plan for him that is good and that will be glorifying to the Lord. Still, I have to admit that the daily struggles between here and there are a very scary prospect. I will be required to put my heart on the line again and again knowing that it will be broken. I will be required to empty myself of all personal hopes for what could've been or what might be and just love him where he is in the moment. I will have to, every moment, be able to listen to the Lord and seek his wisdom. I guess that is the gift in it for me. I will HAVE to walk closer with the Lord in order to survive.

One of the happenings this week is that G is now in school. It is a looooong story as to how we got to that decision, but everyone who loves him feels it is best for him right now. He is doing well. He likes his teacher and is making friends. So far so good.

So, here he is on his first day. He was very excited, nervous and cute.

Under attack...

from so many sides that all I can do is look to the Lord. He is my only constant. His love is my only comfort. His grace is my only hope.
Please Lord, fill me with your peace, fill me with your love so that I can give it to others. Do not let Satan win this battle. Show your power and be glorified.

This week being a Mom has nearly broken my heart in two. "Mother" is, in my opinion, the absolute most dangerous line of work. Adding the adjective "adoptive" just raises the stakes. The highs are the most wonderful mountain top moments but the lows can threaten to destroy you. It is risky business to be sure.

"Life in the raw is both fragile and strong it's both lovely and ugly the same. To live and to love will always be dangerous but it's better than playin' it safe."
--Kendall Payne

Listen to Ups & Downs by Kendall Payne : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/15023854

That'll Teach Me!

For everyone who thinks God doesn't have a sense of humor, I am here to testify that you are wrong. Immeditately after my last post I proceeded to have a ridiculously hard couple of days. Oddly, it was what I needed from the Lord to remind me of what I am doing here. I guess sometimes I lose track of what He has set before me. I needed to be reminded that I am on a mission field with my family, my neighbors, my church. Yes, I have been given many things and have a basically comfortable life, but God is using me right where I am for His purposes and His glory. In Bible study we read out of Acts how the early church shared all their possessions and if there was a need, it was met. I have been watching how God is using our family to meet some needs around us, and it was such a sweet reminder that I am in fact right where I need to be. The guilt I feel is often just darts from the enemy. I hope I will always be sensitive to the possibility that I am headed in the wrong direction, but will also be open to allowing the Lord to comfort me when I am doing ok.
"Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."
Psalm 139:1-10

I Saw What I Saw

Well, I am still not back to the blessed/not blessed discussion, but my thoughts have been elsewhere lately. I am mainly struggling with feeling a little too pampered in this life. The Bible talks so much about living as a pilgrim here on earth. We are not to get too settled, too vested, or too comfortable. We are to live so that others can see that we are living for the Lord and not for our own pleasure or gain. I've really been trying to examine my life to those standards lately. Let me give you some concrete examples of stuff that goes through my head. There are starving children in the world, but I spend a fair amount of money every month feeding 3 horses, 2 dogs, a rabbit, a hamster and 3 fish. Is it sinful to have all these animals? There are homeless people in the world and we have a guest room that gets slept in about once a month. I am often too busy/lazy to make a menu and shop for well priced groceries so I end up getting take out or buying stuff last minute at higher prices. We live in a nice house in a nice area with lots of "toys" at our disposal. Do we look like people just passing through? Do we look different than anyone else? I'm not sure we do. I've been thinking about the heading on Lori's blog (Lori in Cazale) which says, 'Live simply so that others may simply live." She sees people every day whose lives could be saved by the amount of money I spent on Gabe's happy meal. When I was in Haiti I swore I would never go home and be unchanged. I saw the need. I felt the conviction to help. But back at home there are now 8 other people sharing this house with me. I am certainly not the only one for whom decisions are being made. How do I reconcile all these things? I think I have some praying to do.

Beautiful Saturday

Oh Good Gracious it is an awesome day here. It is right around 72 degrees and the sky is an amazing crisp blue with not a cloud in sight. So, I will NOT be blogging. Instead I leave you with a song that the girls and I have gotten totally addicted to. We have been reading the Narnia series at bed time and they love that someone wrote a song about Aslan(:
Listen to Aslan by Kendall Payne : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/15023860
"Safe?, Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good."
--Mr. Beaver

Prayer Journal - Entry #1

I felt convicted today as I was reading about prayer to put some of my prayers here in writing. Of course some things are just for God's ears, but there are many things that I could share here and doing so would be yet another avenue for God to be glorified. I have always said I should start a prayer journal, so now I will do so here.

I pray that God will protect the girls as they go to school each day, and that they will be strong enough to shine God's light.

I pray that Berny is able to WALK off the plane when we take him back to Haiti in December.

I pray that God will specifically guide us about when we should return to Haiti and that He will create the team that He wants to be there.

I thank God that the school transition has been all we hoped for.

I thank God that Berny is alive, that he is with us, and that he gets stronger every day.

I thank God that G is doing well with homeschooling this year.

In the name of my precious saviour Jesus, AMEN

Wonder twin accomplishments

D's first day of preschool!!!!!! He and his buddy had to compare lunch bags. Friend he met in the parking lot: "Was dat?"

D:"Das Diego"

Friend: "Pida Man"

D with his teacher, Miss Stacy. She also happens to be my best friend and the only reason I am able to let my baby boy go to school so soon!

Berny can stand if he is leaning on something! Woohoo! Keep fighting little man.

Please watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvPk_qyojxE

Guest Blogger

I read this yesterday and felt it so well summed up feelings that I have had that I would share it. What do you guys think?
http://gillispiefam.blogspot.com/2007/08/not-exactly-ethicsbut-still-on-my-heart.html

Catching up

We interrupt this deeply philosophical discussion to bring you this update from recent days. Stay tuned to the blog. Your regularly scheduled dose of Heather's overthinking, analytical brain dumps will return after these pcitures.

Fun at the lake with great friends!

Berny thoroughly enjoying his bagel and cream cheese.

G's face when he first saw his dirtbike.

Then came, the "how tough am I?" face. How cute is my little man????

Madi has learned to lope bare back.

The girls were SOOOO excited for their first day of school! Mommy cried and they had a blast. The cutting of the apron strings has begun ):
Wonder twin powers......ACTIVATE!

OK, I don't care who you are, this is just plain funny. (Don't worry people - it's root beer.) We recently recieved this picture of Skyline with her parents in Haiti. These are the moments we live for - healthy babies and families reunited!

Un-Blessed Thoughts part 1

http://manymanyblessings.blogspot.com/2007/06/suffering.html


Some of my thoughts on this have already been expressed in the above linked post. So, I will try to build on what was said there. My thoughts on this jump around quite a bit so hang in there with me.


First I will address the issue as it relates to Christians. I know some people think that once you become a follower of Christ that all your problems dissolve into a puddle on the floor and you walk off into the sunset together, but you and I both know that isn't the case. There is the walking together part although sometimes you head into the storm, not the sunset.

So, I guess the first thing that occurs to me is that the times in my life when things aren't going well are times when I seek God all the more. I seek Him for answers to the questions we all have. Why? For how long? For what greater good? Did I do something wrong? What are you trying to teach me? Those questions and many more race through my mind when things go bad in my life. But more than answers, I seek Him for comfort. I want to go sit at His feet and be reminded of the truths that I know. He is good. He loves me. He will never leave me or forsake me. I am then led to the realization that when I am suffering I am still so blessed! I have my saviour to love and comfort me. I have the hope of perfect eternity with him.

Next my thoughts turn again to the glorification of God. I spoke earlier of giving God the glory when I am blessed. The blessing holds little meaning if I don't use it to point others to Him. But what of the hard times? I suppose people could look at them and say that my God is not trustworthy. Jay has been in constant, and often agonizing pain since the Spring of 1999. I couldn't begin to guess the number of times we have asked God to take that pain away and heal him. I have struggled most of my life with bouts of depression that have nearly killed me. In fact at my lowest I have asked Him to take my life just so that the struggle against it could end. Has God healed Jay? No. Am I depression free? No. Is God able to heal us? Yes. So why doesn't He? One answer may be found in Matthew 9:1-5

So He got into the boat, crossed over and came to His own city. And behold they brought to Him a paralytic lying on a bed. And Jesus, seeing their faith said to the paralytic, "Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you." And at once some of the scribes said within themsleves, "This man blasphemes!" But Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said, "Why do you think evil in your hearts? For which is easier, to say 'Your sins are forgiven you' or to say, 'Arise and walk'?"

Certainly Jesus could've walked up to the man and instantly healed his physical body (and if you read on you see that ultimately he does). We need only look back one chapter to know this. Jesus had been in the business of healing. But in this case He chooses a different road. I think it is interesting to note that verse 2 says, "seeing their faith". It feels to me as though since they had a certain amount of faith already Jesus felt they were ready for the next step. Sure, they knew the alphabet, but could they read? And so when He proclaims the mans sins forgiven what happens? Indignation. Yet had not Jesus given the man all he needed? In fact, if He had healed his legs and neglected to forgive him his sins wouldn't his plight have been just as pitiable. No, more so. So, in my lowest moments, knowing that I am forgiven and that God is with me is all I need. Now, getting back to God's glory. If others see me in a seemingly desperate situation and yet I have joy, God gets glory. If everything about my physical circumstance seems unbearable and yet I testify to the peace I have in resting in Him, God gets glory. If I am in the pits of depression and can do nothing but weep, yet acknowledge that this life is only a passing moment and I can still hope in the fact that one day I will shed this flawed body and be forever healed, God gets glory. And would He get the glory if my earthly, physical body were healed. Of course. But which is harder. To instantly heal me, or to be able to sustain me in the midst of my trial?

I am entering a state of rambling so I guess I will post this and save some thoughts for later.

Not feeling blessed?

OK, so now that we have covered all that ground my mind turns to those who are not feeling blessed. What meaning does suffering have in light of God's glory? Let's all ponder that for a while and I'll try to put my thoughts together on it for a later post.

My Answer

A couple of random thoughts first:

1. A spiritual lesson learned through parenting. (Seriously, how does anyone learn anything about God without having kids????) It hurts my feelings when I think my kids only want the "stuff" I can give them and not just me. For example if I leave for a trip and the last thing out of one of their mouths is, "will you bring me something?" I mean, I know it is a normal kid thing, but won't it be enough to just have the awesomeness of me back in your life?? (hehehe)


2. And another. I, as a Mom, cannot really be around my kids, enjoying their company, soaking in their every special little quirk and gift without showering them with hugs and kisses and the occassional chocolate chip cookie. The wonder of them causes me to love them with wreckless abandon. God has that kind of wild and passionate love for us. He delights in blessing us and watching us enjoy His presents and His presence. Forgive the silly word play.

But really it all boils down to this: (For me anyway)

Would the gifts of God really feel at all special or good without Him to thank? When I really stop to think about it, the gifts He gives are amazing only because they are from Him, not simply because they are. My blog is named Many Many Blessings because that is how I feel most of the time. My husband, my children, my life, are all gifts that I do not take for granted, but they would hold less meaning if they were just some random occurrence in a universe set adrift. I'm imagining the UPS man arriving at my door right now. I see the brown truck through the glass in the door and enjoy the anticipation of what wonderful package it could be. I open the door and he hands over a small box. I sign and rush inside to open it. Inside are the most beautiful diamond earrings I have ever seen. There is no card. No return address. Do I like the earrings? Yes. Would they hold more meaning if I knew who sent them? Yes. Would they hold the most meaning if I knew they were from Jay, the love of my life? ABSOLUTELY! So, next time I go out with my girlfriends I wear them and Stacy says, "AHHH, those are beautiful!"

"Thanks, they came in the mail."

"Oh, that's nice. Kind of weird and random, but nice."

OR...

Stacy, "Ahhh, those are beautiful!"

"Thanks, Jay gave them to me. Isn't he the best husband ever?"

"Girl, you are so lucky! Man, he sure does spoil you! Could you get him to talk to my husband?"
And this leads me to my next thought. The whole point of it all is to point those around us back to God. His gifts should cause us to praise Him which leads to His glorification. THAT is what makes the gift enjoyable. We get to brag on our God. We get to tell people how wonderful He is and how much He loves us. If Jay gave me the earrings and said I should keep them in the box and never wear them it would take all the joy out of bragging about having the best husband in the world!

So, this whole blog is really about bragging on God. He has abundantly blessed me and I did nothing to deserve any of it. He chose to love me when I was still bound and determined to sin against Him. He is the most gracious, loving saviour. His love is limitless and His wisdom is absolute, so His plans for me are perfect. I love Him. I would never, ever want to be outside His presence even if I were surrounded by all His presents. Again, sorry - I am a dufus when it comes to wording(:


Listen to Martyr's Song by Todd Agnew : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/20878595

Song to help you ponder the question

Listen to If You Wanted Me by Todd Agnew : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/20878590

Question...

Been reading "Desiring God" and last night read this question, "Would you want to go to Heaven if God were not there, only His gifts?" Don't answer quickly. Think about it. I have been. I'll give you my thoughts on it later (if you care).

Safe in Daddy's Grip

God is such a faithful teacher. I know when I am trying to teach my kids something I tend to get very frustrated if I have to explain it more than two or three times. Or if it is a behavioural or obedience issue I get more than frustrated. I get just plain mad. "How many times do I have to tell you..." I am so glad God is more patient, more loving, and more tenacious than I. There are also times when I am teaching my kids that I decide it is time to put away the workbooks. We need to do some exploring and discovering. We need to have a question and answer session. I need to show them and just let them watch and see how it is done. This is, I believe, where God has me right now. I may not have a pile of work(book pages) to show for it, but I am learning. I am watching my saviour. I am letting Him talk. He is letting me ask questions. I haven't had the thrill of accomplishment or the anticipation of going on assignment, but I have had the joy of feeling His presence. I have felt His enduring love and forgiveness. For some things I have become content to know that I don't know. I am at peace to just know that HE knows. How is it that being in the Lord's presence has, simultaneously, the ability to humble and lift me up? in His presence I feel amazed that He has chosen to love me and I ask Him - OFTEN!- why He would seek and save such a mess. And then I feel the Fatherly reassurance of His love, and the glory of that moment is so overpowering and mighty that I think I could accomplish anything for Him, and would be forever willing to try. I have no idea what is on the horizon. I am not in the mood to guess. I am perfectly at peace following my Teacher/Father/Saviour and grinning in the knowledge that it will be GOOD as only He can make it!

Listen to Who You Are (Recollection Album Version) (1998 Digital Remaster) by Nichole Nordeman : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/19479627

13 Years!

This Saturday August 11th will mark 13 years that I have been married to the absolute best husband on the planet. It is hard for me to put into words the depth of love I have for this man. I met him when I was 13 years old on a youth group mission trip. I came home and wrote in my diary that I had met the boy I wanted to marry. It took him a few more years to come to the same conclusion about me! But on July 2nd 1993 he took me to the top of Lookout Mountain, TN (where we had sneakily first held hands five years earlier) and asked me to be his wife. On August 11th, 1994 at the naive age of almost 20 and 22 we pledged our love and devotion for better or worse. I thought it would be impossible for me to love Jay anymore than I did on that day, but as I have come to know him as a husband, a father to our children, and a man following hard after God, I have come to love him so much more deeply and intimately. He has earned my respect and devotion completely. Our love is a beautiful gift from God, and I am so grateful! I wouldn't want to be doing this thing called life with anyone else by my side. Jay, you make me want to fly...

Listen to Fly by Sara Groves : http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/13706101

Back To Life

Let me catch you up. Thursday night, July 26th I dropped Berny off with Vanessa and Friday we packed the van and headed to Williamsburg for vacation. My parents have a time share there and so we met spent the week with them, my sister, and her fiance. It was so wonderful, restful (in an exhausting sort of way) and fun. We saw colonial Williamsburg and the Jamestown colony. The kids enjoyed them more than I expected and Gespecially enjoyed talking to the guy making arrows and arrowheads. We spent two days at Busch Gardens and two days at Water Country. It was so fun. We rode roller coasters and water slides to our hearts content. It was one of those great memory making kind of vacations that we will all enjoy reminiscing about. The Saturday after we arrived we celebrated Jay's 35th birthday and D's 3rd. All in all it was a perfect week.





Then we got home. We arrived home to a washed out bridge due to a huge rain storm so the horses were stranded on one side of the pasture, a broken HVAC unit which meant our upstairs was around 100 degrees, and a possible flea infestation since the neighbor girl who was feeding the animals accidentally let the outside cat IN and she really enjoyed sleeping on squishy beds. Back to life, back to reality...
So, perhaps I will write more when I have recovered!