I'm Lame, supplements are not.

I would like to delete the previous post. It is self indulgent and preachy - two things I hate. But it is where I was in that moment so I will leave it in the name of transparency - one thing I love.

I wanted to give a bit of an update on G and his supplements. The problem is, everytime I thought we had hit a huge milestone of DWF (days without fits) he would explode like crazy worse than ever. And that has sort of been the trend. Here is my non-scientific, eyes of a Mother, take on what is happening. I think they are helping to stabilize his mood. They are taking the edge off of what was probably a chemical imbalance that is now normalizing. Rages are still happening, in my opinion, for two main reasons. First is habit. He is used to dealing with things this way. And he can allow it to happen as a matter of choice even if chemically he should be able to cope in another way. These rages are easy to spot because they are sporadic and he will be completely lucid and in his "thinking brain" if you engage him. The second is attachment disorder. These are the really bad ones. They are the ones that he cannot stop and neither can we. They come when he feels shame - he did something wrong and got caught, he thinks we hate him, he hates himself etc etc. These are long, and loud and usually end in something being broken (not the least of which is my heart). These are the ones that attachment parenting can help, but it is a long road to healing. We are learning how to calm him, trying new things. The great thing about these supplements is that when he is not raging he is way more often acting like a regular kid. The fake, babyish, weird, socially inappropriate, odd stuff that we are so used to dealing with is starting to fade, and so it is so much easier to fill the black hole of emotional need. Cause, occasionally now we actually like the kid! So, basically I think they are absolutely helping to atleast peel away one of the many layers of crazy we are dealing with.

May

Several years ago I read "The Secret Life of Bees". There's this odd character in it named May. She's ...well, different. Fragile. Special. In almost every scene May must run away, to her crying wall. You see, May feels things more deeply. When she thought someone else was sad she took that sadness as her own. She cried and cried at her wall as she stuck their pain between it's cracks. When another character was presumed dead it was too much. May took her own life. The pain literally killed her.

Sometimes I feel like May. And I imagine all the characters in my life, still sitting around the kitchen table after I run away crying thinking, poor Heather. Poor naive girl. She wants to change the world. She thinks she can change the world. Or, she thinks she should change the world. Or she thinks she must change the world. But they would be wrong. I don't think any of those things.

My Dad thinks I do or think a certain way out of guilt. He's wrong. I don't feel guilty because I get to eat today. But while I am eating I can see a hungry child in my mind, that hasn't eaten for months and his body has begun to decay from the effects of kwashiorkor. I know he is in pain because his skin is cracking and bleeding and his is eating himself from the inside out. I want to hold him and comfort him and feed him. I don't feel guilty because I have a house, but it does remind me of the 100's of thousands still living in tent cities since the earthquake in Haiti. Don't you see, guilt has nothing to do with it! And it is cheap and belittling to think it does. People are hurting in this world. And I feel it. All. The Time. I see them trying to hold out the rain and mud from their tent while their baby cries because she is hungry and hot. If I close my eyes I can instantly be in a hospital in Cite Soleil watching a young first time mother labor alone on a blood covered floor. She is scared and in pain and no one has time or resources to help her because she is one of many who scream and labor and bleed. I feel THEM. Do you get the difference? I don't feel guilt. What a waste of energy. I feel the people, their humanity. When I read about an AIDS orphan dying alone and scared in an African orphanage there is no time for guilt. I feel outrage. I cry for him. I pray for him. I want to go to him. What if it was Daniel? What if Jason and I had already died of the disease and now he lay wasting away with no one to advocate for him? What good would guilt do??? No seriously. I'm asking y0u? Guilt, in my opinion, is an American luxury. And if you are indulging in it then you are wasting precious energy and resources. We have no time for guilt people. Stop feeling guilty and start feeling.

Love My Husband

Part of me loves him for doing what I would've wanted to do - chuck the football! But mostly I love him for taking the brunt of the rage that ensued. It was another half hour after my last post that G finally came back to reality. Jason stayed with him the whole time. In the end G apologized and so did J. I find the ability to parent a RAD kid very hot ;-) While J was with G, I was with the others reminding them that this was part of G's disability and talking about how one day this would be a funny story to tell. 'Hey remember that time G lost it and Dad threw his football into the woods?" Hehe(: On the agenda for tonight is a football hunting party...

This morning G was in penitent mode - got up and ready in record time, made me a "gift" (a paper cut out snowflake) which is his way of apologizing to me. I am thankful. Lots of RAD moms never get this part - they just keep getting the rages over and over and over and... I will take this any day. God is good to me, and I will keep looking to Him to fill me with His love so I can pour it out to this crazy crew of mine.

So close, so close and yet so far

After a quiet day with the kids at school they all came home and did homework without much ado. We had dinner and prepared to head out to the talent show in which the girls would sing one of their original songs and play guitar. As we prepared to head out I envisioned G making the night miserable. His jealousy over his sisters doing something well and getting accolades would surely rear its ugly head. His fidgeting during performances would likely be embarrassing. He would somehow, someway mess this up. I was a bit nervous. Thankfully Daddy stayed outside and played football with him while the boring PTA portion of the evening was going on and then they stepped in for the performances. All went well. The girls were amazing and beautiful and made me so stinkin' proud I could've popped. Everyone was coming up to them after to say what a great job they did and my heart swelled. I watched them graciously accept the praise and then quickly tell the other performershow wonderful they were. I silently thanked God for the precious gift of being their mom. G hung in there. In the parking lot we almost lost him when he fell off the car bumper and I chuckled (what? it was funny) as I said, "You ok bud?" He stormed off yelling that he hated me. Silly me, I know you can't laugh in the presence of a Radlet without their explicit permission. We loaded the crew and I went around the front whee G was sulking and said I was sorry. That I was not trying to be mean, it just looked a little funny. He smiled and Daddy offered to let him climb in by way of the sunroof. These are the silly things you do to get un-stuck. Thanks Corey for reminding me of Christine's videos. I watched several this afternoon! So, we were back on track! Everyone was happy and we decided to get ice-ream before heading home. Since we live in the only known mecca of trailers in parking lots serving treats we chose one of those figuring we couldn't break anything in a parking lot. We ordered ice cream. The boys threw the football. It was genuinely fun. Baby Girl sucked from a straw for the first time and was mad, crazy in love with Daddy's peanut butter shake. Good times had by all. As we walked back to the car I thought, wow a whole day without a melt down rage fest. A fun day. A family day where we were all together and things didn't fall apart. Yes, we're making progress. I can feel it. Dare I hope? Ahhh(:



Then the S**T hit the fan. Something (Lord only knows what!) happened in the backseat. G threw a football at D and D threw it back and hit him in the face - my best guess based on a compilation of eye witness accounts. G loses it completely starts yelling he hates everyone, kicking, screaming, head banging and WHOOSH a football goes flying past my head (as I am driving mind you). Daddy says, "What was that?" and as he finds it and realizes what just happened tossed it into the woods we were driving by. Whoops. Now if you have a Radlet you know that all hell will proceed to break loose. This was an hour ago and Daddy is still upstairs trying to calm a raging bull. I'm guessing Daddy may be regretting the ball toss, and G may even be regretting the ball toss. All moot point. The ball is gone. G is not OK with that. We will now suffer.



And so, I come to the familiar place of sadness when I had briefly let myself feel happy, normal, content, relaxed, and the rug was pulled out from under me. I hate this roller caoster that is my life. Some days I am good at bending my knees and remaining steady with the bumps, but today I got caught off guard. I leaned in and rested for a while and I got thrown off the freakin' track. Now how do I get back to a peaceful place before morning so I don't hold a big old grudge for him screwing everything up again? I guess I'm off to pray...



So. Close.

Retreat

I spent the most glorious day at the beach on Saturday. I took a little mommy getaway for the weekend. I sat in the sand and read from my new Kindle. I walked in the water. I felt the cool breeze and soaked in the warm sun. It was awesome. Even better was the realization that after about 24 hours of "me time" I am bored to tears and miss my kids like crazy. Thank goodness. It is so nice to confirm in my own heart and mind that I am exactly where I need to be doing exactly what I need to be doing. I love being a Mom. Even to G. It's nice to remember that.

Can't Hold It In....

any longer!!!!!

I have been stalling, delaying, waiting for paperwork and lawyers and courts, but I just can't wait anymore. I have to officially tell you our news.

This adorable, ornery, stubborn, delightfully loving red head is officially going to be #5. I can't believe how lucky I am to get to be this childs Mama.

She oozes love and joy from her pores. God is so good to us.

Low and Highs

Went to the PTA meeting last night and spoke with G's teacher. She said that G told her he didn't have time for homework because of church. I said I knew he would try that. Thankfully because she got my email she let him feel the consequences. Yesterday he was very eager to do his homework. She said, "well maybe that's all it took". I didn't have the heart to burst her bubble and just said, "I'll keep in close email contact with you." It's always fun to catch your child in a lie with his teacher right? Good times. I think I should scrapbook this moment. Do you think they have stickers for it?

On the flip side M and S tried out for the school talent show yesterday afternoon singing one of their original songs and playing guitar. The choir teacher came over to my car when I picked them up and gushed on and on about how talented they were. The girls were beaming. It was so cute. I think they have always heard how great they are from us, but you know, we have to say that cause we're family. But when adored choir director says it, it becomes a huge deal(: They are pretty special.

AND the baby had her appointment with the devopmental neurologist yesterday and she was the closest she's ever been to on target developmentally. She is 18 mos old and has some 15 mo. skills. She continues to wow the doctors. From blind and unresponsive to the absolute light of our lives. God has big plans for this girl, and lucky for us we get to watch it unfold!

Yesterday G refused to do his homework. I offered for TWO HOURS to help him, but no go. I reminded him we had church and I would be going to bed when we got home so I would be unavailable to help at that time. He said fine, he wasn't doing it. When Daddy got home he again was offered help and refused and again stated that he had decided that he wasn't doing it. I reminded him very clearly that whether it was done or not he did still have to go to school. He said he understood. All RAD moms are laughing at this point.

This morning he came down and went to the dining room table and started to work on it. I was nice. I let him and I brought him breakfast, but reminded him that we had to leave on time and so when (not if) it wasn't all done and we had to leave he should not pitch a fit.

He did.

Shocking I know. I should be so used to this by now. But sometimes his crazy is even crazier than I thought. As I ordered him out of the car and into school he was telling me how everything was all my fault and I never help him with anything and I am so mean yada yada yada. He got out crying and giving me the look of death. When I got home from morning appointments he was on the machine asking me to pick him up - I think. He was mumbling, probably so the adults around him couldn't hear that his excuse to call home was lame-ola. I sat down and typed an email to his teacher explaining that he had many chances to get his work done and whatever excuse he may have given her was a lie. What a fun email to write. Wonder what that teacher is thinking right now? I have to leave in 30 minutes to pick up the kids. I am praying for God to give me some beautiful pearl of wisdom on how to proceed with this kid. So. over. it.

I dread seeing the people at school. I have to remind myself that my child does not define me. I am a nice person. I am a good mom. It is not my job to prove this to others, just to be me and do the best I can. Thank the Lord for the other 4 - they prove we are atleast capable of raising reasonably normal children! I'm off...

Mirror

Sometimes it is good to see our own sin. I needed to see mine. Recently God has taken me down a little "what if..." trail and I followed him (even though I don't believe in hypothetical situations cause it's like lying to your brain.).

Well, I sort of followed Him. A couple of times he had to grab my hand and walk me over a fallen tree or help me wade some rough waters, but basically I went along. But it was hard, and it was PRETEND! So then I sat down with myself and studied my sinfulness. Which parts were hard to accept about the trail and why? Where did I lack faith? What if I had to walk that trail for real?? I'm a sinful, broken and selfish person and I am so thankful for the cross today. I don't want my faith to be hypothetical. I want it to be real. I want it to be so poweful that it could carry down that trail. Please Lord. I believe, but help my unbelief.