Je Suis En France

Day one in Paris. Bubba and me in front of L'Arc De Triomphe.Bubba and the Eiffel Tower

The Louvre

Notre Dame was just amazing. The intricacy of the carvings is really mind blowing.

Above, Jason and I in front of Notre Dame, and below sitting on the bank of the Seine having a coke - crazy cool!
Smoky, Pinky and I on the TGV from Paris to Angers.
Smoky and Pinky visit Chateau D'Angers. It is a castle smack in the middle of the city - extremely awesome.

This is the church inside the castle.

Then we took a road trip (quite eventful, funny and looong) to Bayeux. This cathedral(below) is in the center of the village. It was a beautiful litttle town. From here we got the tour to Omaha Beach and the D Day memorials.

This is the statue at the cemetary for D Day.

It was windy, rainy and somber.

Then we road tripped again to Pornic, which is on the coast. This is our hotel, and below is the view from the room.

We leave here on Friday morning and take the TGV back to Paris. Friday night we are going to try to book a dinner cruise on the Seine, Saturday we hope to go back to the Louvre and see some old art(: and possibly get to the top of the Eiffel Tower! Sunday we head home.

It has been so fun being here. I have spoken French with French people and it is so cool when they actually understand me and I understand them. When we rounded a corner our first day in Paris and I saw the Eiffel Tower I honest to goodness cried. I really don't know why except that it is something I have dreamed of for so long, and never really thought would happen. If it never had happened I would've been fine - I'm sure heaven holds better sight seeing than this, but for this side of heaven it was just plain neat to see it(: So far I have not found the French or even the Parisians to be snobby. They have all been kind, if not a little amused by us.

The main thing that stands out to me is the godlessness of the culture. It is strange to see cathedrals and church history dating into the middle ages, and yet feel no sense of the Lord in daily life.

I have literally hundreds of pictures , but hopefully this will give you a glimpse of what we are seeing. I'm having a blast, but honestly I am ready to come home. I miss my kids like crazy. I love to get away, not just because I get to refresh and relax, but also because it reminds me how very dull life would be without my kids. M, S, G and D, if you are reading this - I love you so much and I can't wait to see you. I will come in your room and kiss you on Sunday night when I get home(:

Pray and Give

Please go to Licia's blog and read about their struggles since the storms. PLEASE pray for them and then go to Lori's blog and click the paypal button to donate some money. The process they are currently having to use to get clean drinking water is costly. Plus now food prices will go even higher and they have over 70 people in the rescue center to feed on a daily basis - many of them babies who need formula. So please, just go and send them some money. I'm serious. Don't think about it or pray about it - as if God wouldn't want you to. Meet the urgent need. Don't put it off. Just go do it. Yes I am begging, and I'm not ashamed. Give up your latte's for the month or don't go out to eat or something. Anything. And when you are done giving just keep praying. Haiti is in a literal state of devastation right now. As if the food shortage and gas prices weren't bad enough, not crops are destroyed and food will be even more scarce, plus thousands of people have lost what little they had - I mean everything. My heart is heavy right now. There are many people I love in Haiti and many more I have never met who are beautiful, amazing, resilient people. Don't push this out of your mind because they are far away or different. They are just like you. They love their kids - they want to feed them and send them to school. They have dignity and courage the likes of which you may never encounter. They need our help, and we are able.

Here you can see some video of the mass devastation:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7597420.stm




Proverbs 3:27

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it's in your power to help them.

Pics are easier than words right now

I DID get D's first day of school - he started a week later and I was determined not to miss it! Here he is with his teacher. No one will ever be as great as Ms. Stacy, but she'll do.He shares a cubby with "Pida Man" (who you can meet here :http://manymanyblessings.blogspot.com/2007/09/wonder-twin-accomplishments.html). They are great buds now.

This is what D and I do when all the big kids are at school and we get a little punchy(:

And if you get a chance please visit Licia's (new) blog with the link to the right and pray pray pray and then pray some more for her family, the rescue center, the clinic and all of Haiti for that matter.

Can't Do It

Shoot. I can't make this blog political. If you caught the last 5 minutes my political ranting was up I apologize. As I walked away from the computer God asked me if that is what I want this to be about. I said, no I want it to be about HIM and his faithfulness in my life. So, politics is out. It is too polarizing. And God is not about that. The end.

Your Family Can Help a Child Come Home

http://www.kidswalkingkidshome.org/

Fifth Day of School

Yeah, you read it right - FIFTH day of school. Don't mock me people. I'm doing the best I can.

In other news, last night D took his first karate class. Here he is showing off his tough "kiah" face. Jason said the instructor couldn't stop laughing(:

Picture Pages - totally random

D's new playmate now that all the big kids are in school... Me and my girls...

Seen at local farmers market...

The girls finally got their ears pierced this summer. Here is M - cool as a cucumber...S is a little more dramatic...and vocal...And then Mommy had to have a stool and a lollipop so I wouldn't pass out. M just had to take a picture - she thought it was sooooo funny...

How gorgeous and grown up are these two????

Back to School

Well, the kids started school this week. At the end of last year I thought we would be homeschooling M this year, and by the middle of summer we had decided that she would go back to public school and I would homeschool G. Now, here we are with all of them back in public school. You just never know how things will play out around here.

Day One: I dropped S and G at the elementary school while Grandma took M to the MIDDLE SCHOOL (WHAT??). I wandered around the house feeling literally nauseous most of the day - praying and trying not to throw up. When M got in the car at pick up she was beaming and said, "I didn't want the day to end." Yeah, I missed you too. G said his teacher was strict and S said she had an awesome day.

Day Two: Less nausea. Same reactions.

Day Three: NO NAUSEA! Kids doing great. Good times.

The bad news - I was such a wreck I forgot to take a picture of their first day. Maybe tomorrow I can snap one of the "Fourth day of School". Hey I like that. I think I meant to do that. From now on, at our house, pictures will be taken on the fourth day. I love when I can turn a mistake intentional - I feel accomplished and rebellious all at the same time(: WIN WIN.

Obama/McCain

Saddleback Church recently hosted this forum. It is a nice format. It's not a debate per se. I feel I know the candidates better. You watch and you decide. It is in 10 parts so it takes a while, but I think it is worth it. Let's vote educated.

Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYAUIIE8oLA
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6reueoBzfw&feature=related
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Osm8sIwtkc0&feature=related
Part 4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BE9yWukgwY&feature=related
Part 5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1hGoJhkLt0&feature=related
Part 6
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKZCrW4g13c&feature=related
Part 7
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4z0h4Jjtzc&feature=related
Part 8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOgzY7iYssA&feature=related
Part 9
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gI8GXjlxT6M&feature=related
Part 10
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIK06u_cyJ8&feature=related

Perfect Peace

And this is why there is no fear in love. What a wonderful testimony. Satan can never be victorious if we are resting in God's arms.

"And because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with why."
Angie Smith

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/08/ever-sweeter.html

No Fear in Love

The agonizing loss that the Chapman's have endured with the death of their sweet Maria Sue has once again opened the flood gates in me. Literally and figuratively. I've been "teary", but also been talking with the Lord about it. Sometimes people say, "I could never do that." and I guess they mean they couldn't survive it. Whatever "it" may be - cancer, death, loss. But it really has nothing to do with doing does it? It has to do with being. You have to keep being. You have to keep breathing in and out and trusting the Lord in the midst of the most mind numbing pain you coud ever imagine.

In the past when I learned of someone losing a child I shut down. I pushed it away and just prayed, "Lord, not me. Please!" I couldn't even let it in hypothetically, much less imagine dealing with the reality. But this time, especially after watching the interview with Larry King I knew I needed to let it in. Steven said that as he held his daughter in the driveway he said something like, "Lord, not this. You can't ask this of us. It's too much." And I realized that is exactly what I have done. I have said, Lord you can have me, you can have my life, but please leave my kids out of it. That is a pain I cannot bear. When I heard Steven say that, the tears started to flow. I looked at that amazing man of God and his God-serving, God-loving family and I FELT their pain. I went there with them. I sobbed and heaved and let it in.

It occurred to me that as the Body of Christ this is how it is supposed to be. We are to bear each others burdens, mourn with those who mourn. The walls we put up to protect us from feeling it come from fear. Fear that it could happen to us, fear that we would not be able to stand under the pain. But, if we are the body, then it HAS happened to us. Steven and Mary Beth are our brother and sister in the Lord. To say that it is their pain, their burden, is not fair. Their faith and honesty are such a powerful testimony of God's sustaining grace. How much more so if we let ourselves feel their pain and atleast try to understand where they are.

There have been, throughout my walk with the Lord, pockets of my life that I did not give to Him. Since my children have come along, THEY are my biggest "pocket". I surrender them to the Lord in word, but my heart still holds them tightly. I say God holds them in His hands, but I still think it is my job to protect them. The fear that something could happen to them can be overwhelming. And what if something did happen? Would God be smaller? Would He be less trustworthy? I can say "no" with my head. My heart may wonder. So, for me to grieve with the Chapman's, and so many others who have lost a child, is a gift I need to embrace. I need to let the pain in, to go there with them, holding my daughter in the driveway as she breathes her last breath. And I need to let God come. I need to let Him take the fear. I need to surrender that moment to Him. Whether or not I will ever grieve the loss of a child I need to know that God is bigger than that moment, than those days that follow, than that pit of darkness and grief and loss. I need to know that NOW. Not when or if, but now.

Even now, just writing it feels wrong. There is a twinge of superstition. I shouldn't say these things. What if it happens? As though my words have power over the almighty creator of the universe's plan for all of his creation. Seriously.


Lord, please take the fear. I am yours. My children are yours. I know that you are all loving and all knowing. I cannot say that I have fully surrendered this "pocket" to you. I am so human. I ask that you give me your eyes to see. Fill me with faith in your love and hope in your peace.

14 YEARS!

Today I have been married to my best friend in the whole world for fourteen years. I honestly don't have the words to express all this man means to me, but I will try to explain. So, in honor of 14 years here are 14 things I love about Jason. (in no particular order)

1. He is the "cup half full" to my "cup half empty", so I guess together our cup runneth over.

2. He can make me laugh on command by pulling out one of his many impressions. My favorite is Bill Murray as "Carl" telling of his caddy job for the great Dali Lama.

3. He is the most hardworking person I have ever known in my life. Seriously, I have no idea how he does it.

4. He loves our kids passionately.

5. He loves the Lord passionately.

6. He lives in constant pain, but most people have no idea. He's just that tough.

7. He actually loves me, all of me, even the quirky annoying parts.

8. When he smiles he has these adorable dimples that just melt me.

9. He does not make decisions based on emotion.

10. When I do stupid stuff like get a couch stuck in a hallway (yeah, literally stuck as in wedged) because I wanted to rearrange furniture, he doesn't give me a hard time. In fact he usually fixes whatever I mess up with a smile and some sort of compliment like, "you're a tough chick for taking that on."

11. No matter how I decorate or paint the house he always says he likes it.

12. He is honest. I mean really really honest. If you ever meet him and he says anything, anything at all, you can trust it. He just doesn't lie. He is what he is, and he says what he means.

13. Every time I get a hair cut he says it looks great. (Does this contradict #12? Hmmmm...)

14. In 14 years of marriage I have only come to love and respect him more.

Hon,

I love you. Thanks for choosing me as your bride(:

Steven Curtis Chapman on Larry King

I'm sorry I couldn't get the pretty little video boxes on here, but just click the links in order and you can see the entire interview. What an absolutely amazing family.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9u8T3dL8KYo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9nt_FPtK3I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDQdvYyBu4Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5qf5gwTO8A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY8alyk69vg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzv8xf1Omd8

Tell Two

This post will count as one of my two people to tell. Perhaps you have noticed the button on the right for "From HIV To Home". It is an amazing group of people who have adopted HIV positive children and are now educating others about it. The stigma against HIV is still very strong and deep in this country so for many of these parents their child's medical needs are far less daunting than their child's social and emotional adjustment. Who can they tell without their child becoming ostracized? Will their child be left out, ridiculed, shunned? We briefly dealt with this in a very small way when we thought Daniel had Hep B. It was gut wrenching for me to imagine someone not wanting to be around this amazing and precious child, and what that would do to his self image. How could we protect him from the ignorance? Well, in an effort to help spread knowledge about HIV in hopes that those courageous enough to adopt will not be outcasts I am posting this info from the FAQ on their website. If you want more info click on their button on the right. If we can spread the word perhaps these children will be welcomed and loved as they should be. And now I challenge you to go TELL TWO. Find two people and educate them. We can spread knowledge and make a difference.


But isn't HIVContagious?
HIV is a very fragile virus, and there are very specific ways that it is transmitted. HIV is only transmitted when the virus enters the bloodstream. This only occurs through sexual contact; through the use of contaminated needles or other sharp instruments, or receiving a transfusion of HIV-infected blood products; and from a mother who is HIV-infected to her child during pregnancy, childbirth, labour and delivery, and breastfeeding. HIV transmission does not occur with normal household contact. It is not transmitted through tears, saliva, mucous or other bodily fluids. It is considered a "communicable" disease - meaning you can't simply "catch" it. In addition, when an infected person is on treatment, the levels of HIV in the blood are brought so low that they are considered undetectable - meaning the possibility of transmission - even through contact with blood, semen, or vaginal fluid - is that much more remote.
Aren't these children going to die after their families bring them home?
Many people don't realize that the prognosis for children on treatment for their HIV is excellent. They are expected to live long, normal lives. In fact, in the west, HIV is now considered a chronic illness rather than the terminal disease it used to be. Sadly, this isn't the case for those HIV infected children living in resource-poor settings, where 50% of infected and untreated children are not expected to live past the age of two.
Is it true that you can have HIV and not develop AIDS?
Absolutely! There are over 30 medications approved by the FDA for the treatment of HIV, and more are in development. These medications bring the levels of the virus so low in the body that the virus can be considered undetectable in the bloodstream. Patients receiving treatment for HIV can expect to live long, healthy lives without developing AIDS.
What about all of the children who don't get adopted?
We recognize that adoption is only a band-aid answer. It is one small piece in a big puzzle - we are working to provide holistic HIV+ orphan care through our Hope Houses launch in Ethiopia.
What if I catch HIV from my child?
Many people don’t know that HIV is a very fragile virus. As soon as it leaves the body, it begins to die. There are no documented cases of HIV transmission through casual household or school contact. HIV+ children can (and do!) share cups, baths, pools, dishes, bathrooms, etc.! In addition, when children are on treatment for their HIV, the amount of the virus in their bloodstream can be brought so low that it is considered “undetectable” – meaning the amount of the virus in the blood, even through contact with blood, has been brought so low that the possibility of transmission has become even more remote.
What if my other children touch her blood?
Most households with HIV+ children find that this was one of their initial worries and, in fact, becomes not much of a worry at all once their kids are home together. There are very few activities where the blood of one child would enter the bloodstream of another child. Families simply train their children never to touch another person’s blood or “owies” and practice universal precautions in their homes (using gloves when dealing with blood, covering all sores with a band-aid, etc.).
What if no insurance company will cover my child?
Here’s the great news! It is a legal requirement that all adopted children be added to group insurance plans without pre-existing condition clauses in all 50 states! And many states also require that private insurance plans do the same! In addition, all 50 states have funding programs that will assist with the costs of HIV treatment within specified income guidelines. For specific information on your state's programs and insurance requirements, please request our State Fact Sheet for your state.


Also, please go check out this blog and see one family's journey to bring their HIV pos. daughter home from Ethiopia!
http://twietconfetti.blogspot.com/

My BABY is Four Years Old!

I mean, what in the world just happened? My youngest child is four years old! To say this makes me itch for another one is a bit of an understatement. I realize that is mostly selfish, and I will not overextend myself just because I want another one. But if God said there was another Price kid somewhere out there I guess I would be ok with that(:Happy Birthday my sweet sweet boy. You have brought immeasurable joy into my life. I love you so much I sometimes think my heart might explode. Your cheerful attitude and sweet and loving spirit are such a blessing to all of us. I thank God for letting me be your Mom.

Perfect Love

So much of this parenting journey has little to do with the kids and much to do with me. God teaches me so much about himself in this process. When M was born we were young and clueless and the big thing in Christian circles was the ironically titled "Growing Kids God's Way" which is a loveless and dictatorial way of parenting that makes my stomach turn to think about. It was all about rules, limits, boundaries, control and training. I guess the basic premise is that we are not created in the image of God, but must be molded into it by our older and therefore, more God-like elders. Being given dignity and respect is secondary to threats, control and humiliation.

I realize this sounds like a harsh critique, and it is. Don't misunderstand me. I believe children are under the authority of their parents and that it is my job to "train them up". I guess what I am trying to get to is that our children belong to the Lord. Our greatest role is to model HIS LOVE and GRACE. I once heard a pastor, when speaking of The Fall, comment that Adam and Eve rebelled, and their Father was perfect. How freeing! I could, after all these years of trying, actually become the perfect Mother and my children would still have the free will to ignore and disobey me. Think about the command to honor your parents. It says "children obey your parents in the Lord" (Col. 3:20) and "Honor your father and your mother" (Ex. 20:12). The responsibility ultimately rests with the child. It does not say, "chide, threaten, demean, and embarrass your children so that they will obey you" or even "it is your job to make your child obedient". Imagine if God said, "Go share the gospel with that person right now or I will withhold the sun for a week." Instead he says, "because I have loved you, go and love others" (1 John 3:11-24 just as an example-really the entire Bible states and restates that message).

With the addition of our sons through adoption I began to study attachment theories pretty seriously. It is both a scary and beautiful thing, the fragility of our souls. When an infant or childs needs are not met over and over again their perception of the world is that it is dangerous and they must fight and defend themselves at any cost. They decide to need no one. But deep in the heart, the heart that is in the image of God, is the need for relationship. It is by HIS design that we need each other, and that we NEED HIM. We were created to be in fellowship with Him, and the lack of it will only bring emptiness. So, since my boys came to me with hurts and fears what is the best way to heal them? In my mind at this point I have to return to my heavenly Father. How does He heal my hurts?

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Psalm 147:3

So, our Lord is near to us in our pain, and our motivation for obeying Him is His love for us.

"We love because He first loved us."

1John 4:19

Children with attachment challenges are 99% of the time reacting to the world from a place of fear. They fear they are unloveable. They fear they will be left yet again by those they care for so they put up walls. They fear that allowing someone else the role of provider could result in not being provided for, and so they make sure their needs are met with no regard for those around them. They are in survival mode. It occurred to me recently that I have lived much of my Christian life with an attachment disorder. I have held onto things of this world because I thought I needed them. I did not trust the Lord to fill the void that would be left if I let go of them. I did not believe that HE was enough. I had to look out for ME. I worried about doing the right things, disappointing the Lord and ultimately falling out of favor with Him. I had yet to fully grasp His endless boundless love for me. I had yet to fully grasp that my salvation BY GRACE was just that. It had nothing to do with me. He sent His Son to die a cruel and awful death FOR ME even while I was STILL IN MY SIN! How many times have I heard this and yet I think I could meditate on it for years and never really get it.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

1John 4:18

When I really feel the full impact of God's love in my life I will stop looking out for my own needs. I will be willing to let go of the role of provider in my own life (which is only an illusion anyway). I will acknowledge that all I have and need comes from Him. I do not have to be vigilant in maintaing my own comfort. HE is all I need, and I can trust Him to provide. Then it will be so much easier to hold loosely to the things of this world, to be willing to make sacrifices for others.

So as I pray each night for my children to feel secure in my love for them I pray also that God would remind me of His love. As I pray that my kids will have such a strong foundation of love in our home that they will be able to reach out in love to those around them I also pray that God's love would flow through me and pour out to others. I pray that I will not feel the need to hold onto my security blankets (whatever they may be) with no regard for those around me. I pray for the assurance that He is all I need and He will provide.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Deut. 31:6

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Phil 4:19

GRAY

When we decided to adopt - or should I say when God put the desire to adopt in our hearts so strongly that we could not say no - we were very naive. We were naive about the adoption process, the possibility of fraud, the many variables that could lead to unethical practices. We were naive about the effect of adoption on a child's heart. We envisioned a child in need that we could "save". We expected joy and happiness.

In the past 7 years we have learned alot. Our black and white world has become a bit hazy and gray in places. We now have two children in our home that are not biologically linked to us. They came to us with a history. They have a genetic history that is far removed from us, they were born to women we have yet to meet, and they experienced the first months of their lives in a different culture. I will NEVER be able to see what happened to G in his first six months. I will NEVER know what D might have seen in his first 17 months. Read any child development book and you will be told that these are the MOST important and formative months in a childs life. And we missed them. We did not get to buy Baby Einstein videos in hopes of broadening our infants perspective on life. We did not get to make sure they were stimulated and loved and held. They did not hear stories or classical music as they grew in the womb.

Our boys came to us with scars. It has taken me a while to acknowledge this fact. I wanted to shove it under the rug. I mean, they were so young, surely they don't remember, we are really all they have ever know, etc etc. These are lies. They have known others, seen more, felt abandoned. They are survivors. They will continue, at each developmental stage, to process the loss of their family and their culture. At times they will be happy. At times they will grieve. Watching a child grieve is not fun. Being the comfort they need in that moment is both horrible and possibly the most beautiful thing I have been a part of.

Do I wish that they could still be with their birth family in their birth country? Yes. Am I thankful that I get to be their Mom? Yes. Is adoption beautiful? Yes. Is adoption painful? Yes. Is there much in my life that is black and white anymore? Not really.

Just a little excited

Our Hotel is just down this quaint little street on the right. Down the main road to the right, maybe a mile away is the Arc De Triomphe.

Never Got To Paris

boomp3.com

FINALLY....FRANCE!

I took five years of middle and highschool French. I have always wanted to go. Things have never worked out. UNTIL NOW! I am so excited to tell you that I will be accompanying my sweetly employed hubby on an amazing (business for him) trip through France. We will have two days in Paris, visit the Normandy beaches, spend a day in Angers and 3 days in a full spa in Pornic, which is right on the ocean. Can we say cool job perks? It's funny because we used to sing this song. Feels good to check this box(:

100 and Risk-taking

This is my 100th post. Pretty cool. I think this blog officially has held on longer than any other journal in my life. Except maybe the one that got me through ages 13-16. Man those were some rough years! That diary was a dear friend. But I digress. Anyway, this blog is a slightly distant second(:

I've been thinking about risk-taking. It started when Sydney and I were out riding one day. I was on Aesha, who is extremely obedient. Sydney was on Duchess bareback, which is her preferred method. We were walking and trotting around and Duchess kept wanting to stop and eat. Sydney would not allow it and patiently, but firmly insisted that Duchess continue. Then when we asked for the lope Duchess was clearly annoyed. Not eating was one thing, but running, well that was a little much to ask. She started tapping her feet and turning circles and in general pitching a bit of a tantrum. I'm watching all this wondering if I should tell Syd to get off because I can just picture this horse giving a little buck and sending my baby girl flying. But then I look at Syd. She is the picture of calm. She is talking to Duch saying things like, "this can take as long as you want it to. we will lope and until we do you will not eat." I bit my tongue and waited. About three long minutes later Duchess and Sydney loped across the yard. Syd was beaming. Duchess was resigned. I finally breathed.

Now, if she had gotten bucked the best I could've done was comfort her and perhaps drive her to the ER. I had absolutely no control over the situation. I risked letting her get hurt in hopes that she would prevail and gain confidence. To be honest, I wasn't even sure she could do it.



It occurred to me how very different this was than when we take risks for God. First of all, HE IS in control. He knows the outcome. He has only our best interest at heart. But then I wondered why He lets us get bucked off sometimes. I know I have felt that way before. I get up rubbing my sore behind asking, "Lord, why did you let that happen?" Sometimes I think it is to learn to come to Him for comfort. Sometimes, it's a reminder that WE are not capable without Him. For me though, it seems to be mostly about learning perseverance. He wants me to not give up. To finish the race. He wants me to have enough character and fortitude to get right back on that horse knowing full well it could hurt really bad. So, what am I not doing for the Lord for fear of getting hurt? Hmmm...


"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
James 1:2-4


"Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear Him you need fear nothing else."
Isaiah 8:13

"Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven."

Philippians 3:13b-14

More FCF Memories

What's Been Goin' On

It has been a busy week of getting back into a routine since returning from vacation. It was such a wonderful and relaxing time. I grew up camping there much of my childhood, and in fact it was during a camping trip there that Jason arrived to suprise me, and then later proposed from the top of Lookout Mountain. So, as we sat at the same camp site we had been in as an 18 and 20 year old and watched our FOUR KIDS play, to say it was surreal would be a bit of an understatement. It was just one of those really great, special times that I know our family will always remember fondly.

I also realized that I had not filled you in on the G news. I think the last time I spoke about him we had him on his meds and he was doing pretty well. Well, shortly after he began to struggle again - 30 to 40 minute rages. At his next appointment with the psychiatrist she wanted us to try a new med. When we got out to the car Jason asked me to please not fill the presciption until he prayed first. And so we both went away and prayed, and we both felt that the med was not the way to go. Atleast not right now. We are (obviously) not opposed to meds, but we both realized we had jumped into it in a moment of weakness and perhaps even desperation, and that we needed to seek the Lord BEFORE we made anymore decisions. So he has now been med free for a little over a month and he is doing better than ever. What's changed? Well, we have committed to pray for him EVERY night, which means sometimes I am about to doze off and Jason wakes me and says, "we forgot to pray for G." We have also reinstated the family devotion time, which we had put to the side. And I think in general we are responding to him in a much more loving way. It is hard to describe what year after year with a very difficult child does to you. You become hyper alert, hyper sensitive, and completely depleted of empathy. For me it has been a process of trying to see how he is struggling and to respond to him from a place of love and compassion instead of judgement. It is a process and I don't always get it right, but I really feel the Lord beginning to heal the hurt in both of us. I can see G beginning to relax more, to feel more comfortable in his own skin, and I sense that he can feel the change in me as well. I pray God continues to fill me with his love so that I can continue to pour it out to G. It is a daily balance of expecting him to do his best, but not expecting him to be perfect, of hoping he will be happy, but being ready to be with him in his pain if he is not. And yet again God is using this child to teach me so much. He may be my greatest challenge, but he is also my greatest blessing.

Fall Creek Falls

We just got back from week of camping in TN. Our very best friends in the whole world went with us and it was an amazing week of relaxing and enjoying watching the kids do all the things I used to do growing up camping there. I am short on time so will just put in pictures and fill you in on the details later(:

REAL HOPE FOR HAITI

To the right are links to Lori and Licia's blogs and links to their organization, Real Hope For Haiti. They do AMAZING work and their standards and ethics are impeccable and without blemish. The recent rise in the cost of food has caused them hardship in keeping their rescue center open. These people are literally saving lives EVERY DAY! Below is a video of their father. It shares a bit about their calling and their ministry. Please watch and ask God if He would have you help them. Some are called to go and some are called to send, but NONE are exempt from both.

Check out these links for more info on ways to help.
www.aaronivey.wordpress.com
www.dreamingbigdreams.wordpress.com
www.xanga.com/no_im_not_a_nurse
www.xanga.com/haitinurse4life

My Mom

I had wanted to get a post on here about my Mom BEFORE Mother's Day, but since I get my procrastination and lack of organizational skills from her I think she will understand ;-)

There is really no way to sum up or categorize my Mom. She had me at barely 18 years old, but managed to get a job, put a roof over my head and food in my belly. She had a less than ideal childhood, to put it mildly, and I know with all my heart she wanted better for me. She selflessly set aside her dreams and set out to give me the best life she possibly could. We often barely had money to make ends meet and yet she managed to make things special and kept me blissfully unaware that we were "poor"! To this day she is my greatest cheerleader, encourager and friend. She is a woman of faith, integrity and dignity. She is passionate about family. She loves the Lord. She works harder than anyone I have ever known. She supports me in that most perfect way - offering advice when it is asked for and being an ear and a comfort when it is not. I am so completely blessed and honored that God sent me to be this woman's daughter. I could ask for no better start to life and no better friend, companion and confidant along the way. Mom, I love you so much more than words can say and I could write for hours about all the specific ways that you are so amazing, but... well, let's be honest - isn't your head big enough already? Oh, I almost forgot - my Mom is also the most sarcastic person I know and if I have ever offended you in any way you can thank her for that! Hehe(: Love ya Ma!

What Makes Me Happy

The joy this child brings me is immeasurable. Is it possible for a heart to actually burst with love? I have no idea why I get to be his mom, but I am so thankful and grateful and blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Absolutely amazing.

He does this probably 20 times a day and I have to say - it never gets old(:

Better

We're off to a better start today. Last night, after a bumpy afternoon G came to me and started to hug and cuddle. This is usually his cue for saying he's sorry. He rarely has the nerve to speak it, but I know what he means. Then at bed time he asked me to stay with him until he fell asleep. So I climbed in and he snuggled with me and held my hand. I know in my head that he is so afraid that we will send him away if he is bad, which ironically makes him very difficult to live with. I know he loves us and yet it is so hard for me to not take his verbal abuse personally. Every day we are taking tiny baby steps toward healing his heart, and mine for that matter. So much of this journey with G is about God teaching ME about MYSELF.

Madi ran the mile at school yesterday and came home beaming that she had beat her previous time by 7 seconds. She was so proud and had to keep recounting the minute by minute drama of who was ahead of whom and when. It was very cute. Sydney runs hers today. I hope she does well.

If you've listened to the song on the blog you may have heard the line, "You walk in a room...and something there leaves you breathless." Well, today when I walked in the living room the only thing that left me breathless was the smell of poo. Yep, apparently Chance had an upset tummy in the night and couldn't possibly wait til dawn. I couldn't be too mad at him - he is very well housebroken and has been known to "hold it" for ridiculous amounts of time, so I know he really coudn't help it. Nevertheless he has been banished to the screen porch until we can be sure the yuckies have passed. So now I will continue to attack the carpet with soap, vinegar and lysol because I swear I can STILL smell something. Aren't you guys so glad I shared?

All I Could Muster

After G gave a tirade this morning about how he doesn't want to live with us and he's going to run away the only "hope' I could muster was a pleasant, "I HOPE you have a good day" as he got out of the car at school. And I HOPE he's in a better mood when he gets home! Please pray for us(:

Don't Leave Kids With Dad

Remember that ladies retreat I went on? Well, while I was gone this was the scene at the local drive in burger joint. What is Daniel's blue hair you ask? Well, it is a popped squishy ball stretched over his head like a wig of course. DUH! Sadly, an innocent neighbor girl was dragged along for the spectacle. The good news - they did eat, apparently, while I was gone. The bad news - this picture was taken before the "dance party in the bed of the truck" scene. Excuse me while I blot my tears of pride...

New Name

I decided to put a new heading on the blog. Not because I feel less blessed than before. Mostly because I got bored staring at the old one every day, and this is kind of like rearranging furniture in blog land. My new name - Love Hopes - is how I am feeling lately. It comes, of course from the love chapter 1 Corinthians 13. My love for my kids, my family, and my life hopes. It hopes that we are where we need to be. It hopes that the future is good. It hopes that God will fill in the gaps that I leave. So, I hope that your love feels hopeful today(:

Words Get In The Way

Perhaps you have noticed it has been a long time since my last real entry. Hopefully you have not because your life is way too full and exciting to care! I can't tell you how many times I have come to sit in front of the computer to share with you all I am feeling. And I would sit...and sit... and then a kid would need me, or the phone would ring, or a dog would need to go out. So, here I am, finally ready...I think, to give words to the jumble that has been on my heart.





March 10th G turned seven years old. He was not in a good place at the time. His party was kept small with just family and a few close friends who we consider family. The day after his birthday we met with his new psychiatrist. She was great. I really liked her. She gave us a prescription. I filled it and then got on line to do some research and got more and more scared. I hated the idea of my son having to take this for the rest of his life. It really freaked me out. But then I remembered how G had said he wanted to die, the grief that came over him as he tried to understand why he wasn't like everyone else. I remembered the anger, the rages, the broken stuff. I decided I HAD to do SOMETHING. So, I gave him his first dose. And then I cried.



And then, although I didn't realize it at the time, I think I shut down for a while. I put a do not enter sign on my heart, and refused to acknowledge any new emotions. I was spiritually and emotionally spent, drained, done, over it.

April 4th and 5th was our churches women's retreat. I went. Depserate for the Lord to meet me there. I knew He was the only thing that was going to make it ok. He came through in amazing ways. He let me grieve and cry and yell. He didn't chastise me for it. Instead, He held out his arms and comforted me and reminded me that I am His precious daughter. He took me to scripture after scripture about being in the dry places, the place of bitterness, the place of Naomi's "marah". He showed me that I was not alone in that place. Then He revealed some of my heart to me. He showed me the fear that I have let consume me. Fear of not being a good enough Mother, Wife, Friend, Christian. Fear of the things I cannot control in my children's lives. He asked me to lay it down. To give it to Him. Just as He did for the Israelites in the desert, He made my bitter water to be sweet. It was a precious time with the Lord, and I am so thankful that He is ever patient and ever gracious to continue to meet me where I am.

So, here we are a month and a half later and things are going so well with G. He is really making huge improvements. It's good, but I hate to think it's the medication. I don't want that to be the problem, and I don't want him to have to be on this forever. But I have put my fears about it at the Lord's feet and I am enjoying the good days. I can see G really trying to stop and think before he explodes. He is affectionate and loving and so many of his insecurities about his place in our family are coming to the surface now that he can give voice to them. It has been so hard to watch him grieve for his birth mom, for the loss of what his life would've been with her. He is a compassionate soul, and he genuinely worries about her. I am beginning to see that his anger was a shield to protect his very tender soul. I am so proud of him. He is working through things that no 7 year old should have to think about.

So, things are pretty good right now. I need God's grace to get me through each day. But that is a good thing. I hope I never begin to feel self sufficient!

In other news: D's end of the year preschool program is tonight. Stay tuned for adorable pictures and maybe even video(;

Please, please I beg you to read this...

Soak it in,
let yourself feel it,
cry with them,
rejoice with them,
let it change you

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/04/letter-to-my-daughter.html

EASTER