Samuel Update

He is here, he is safe! He is a tiny 4.5 pounds! Today he is getting a spinal tap to check for infections, an MRI and surgery is scheduled for Monday. An experienced host mom has been found in the city where his care is so for now we are not hosting. I am sad. I feel a strange connection to this baby. I want to be with him right now, but I know that the Lord is working this out so I am not going to push for my way. I will wait. We will be doing respite for him so I WILL eventually get my hands on him(:

Pray For Samuel

Please continue to pray for Samuel today as he travels. Pray that his sack does not begin to leak, that there are no infections or emergencies as he makes his way to us. Also please pray for his mom who this morning had to hand her very fragile baby boy over to strangers. Her heart must be aching right now. I will let you know as soon as I hear he is safely at the hospital! Until then my heart is in my throat...

All Or Nothing

I have been reminded recently that the Christian life is all consuming. It is not a side dish. It is not a hobby. It is not a part of who you are. It IS who you are. You cannot go about your day doing as you please, living, working, eating, sleeping, and not have it be the driving force in every one of those moments. I used to live my life without that truth. I used to thank God for my salvation and then do what I pleased. The more I learn about the Lord the more I see Him everywhere and in everything. I am emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually ready to go all out for the Lord. I have come to the conclusion that all other pursuits apart from knowing and loving him are empty and lead only to despair.

Of course with every realization, every growth spurt if you will, there are growing pains. My problem currently is this: There is so much need, so much hurt. I want to help, to fix it all, to be everything to everyone. But obviously I can't do that. God has given me the ache in my heart that wants to comfort a child or nurture their dreams. He has given me a desire for other things like ASL, serving in church children's ministry, possibly a drama club. All of these things are good and would be done in a heart of service to the Lord, but I am only one. What does God want me to do. Just me. That is what I am waiting to hear. I do not want to pridefully pursue all things because I will fail. I want to hear from the Lord. I want to seek his face and ask him what I could possibly do that would please him. What beautiful thing does He have for me just around the bend? I do not want to be led about by my own emotions and desires. I want to pray for my heart to be in sync with my Lord's and when I have heard from Him I can move forward with all the eagerness I can muster knowing it is absolutely the right direction. That's when things get really exciting!

Baby Samuel

Please pray for this little guy. He got his visa to come from Haiti this morning! WOOHOO! He will be traveling tomorrow. He has spina bifida. Pray for safety for him, and for his health. he will go directly from the airport to the hospital late tomorrow night. And yes we might be hosting him. Pray for that too. We are leaving it in God's hands!

Guilt And Pride

I got a new car. It's very pretty and shiny and I both love and hate having it. Whether we like it or not what we drive says something about us, just like what we wear or eat or say. My old '99 Mercury Villager said, "I'm a practical Mom and my identity is not tied up in appearances." I liked that about it. It had ground in french fries in the carpet and melted crayons in the cup holders. It was scratched and stinky. It wasn't until I got this new one that I realized I was proud of the old one. It was a badge of honor for me. It told people I had my priorities straight. BUT it had to go. Many things were breaking and it just didn't make sense to keep stitching up a dead horse. So, we kept our eyes open for a good deal. This past weekend we found it. A 2004 Durango with only 16000 miles on it. Super cheap and super clean. DONE. It also happens to have aftermarket wheels to add to the bling factor. I love driving it, but I hate thinking what people must think of me. It's one of several things; 1) I am killing the planet with my gas guzzling self. 2) I am self absorbed and vain. 3) My priorities are all out of whack - I mean there are starving children in the world!

So, as I'm driving along thinking all of these things it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been a judgemental jerk. And now I am heaping on myself the coals I had once reserved for others. I feel guilty driving this car. Not because we spent too much, and not because we didn't need it. Simply because of the image I feel it portrays. Now that is vain!

Another Great Ministry

http://sarahscovenanthomes.blogspot.com/2009/01/surgeries-still-needed.html

Thanks to Dorothy at "Urban Servant" I have gotten to learn about this amazing ministry. You could seriously change a childs life by helping with one of these surgeries. You can learn more about the ministry by clicking on "Sarah's Covenant Homes".

All Accounted For And Happy

...well relatively speaking.

Since the last post caused my Mom to call and make sure G was not duck taped to a wall somewhere I thought I should let you all know that we are fine. He is doing ok, we are making progress, he is learning and THIS IS A PROCESS. I have to remind myself of that often. This is no quick fix kind of thing. If I look back a year or even 6 months I see HUGE improvement. I have to remember that. And my vent sessions here are very cathartic for me. It is much healthier to do it here where he will never see it than to say something to him that I will regret. Sooooo, all is well. No need to call CPS!

Turn Up The AC

I understand at this point in my walk with the Lord that stepping out ups the anty. I get that. Still, every time it sort of catches me off guard. My attachment challenged child has regressed a bit lately. I call him attachment challenged because he doesn't have RAD. He's just so ridiculously insecure about EVERYTHING that he acts like a complete butt head sometimes. I don't know why he can go for weeks at a time being "almost normal" and then will decide it is time to act like an idiot. Maybe he is thinking about his birth mom. Maybe the foster care thing brings up issues for him. Maybe the enemy is messing with me. Maybe there is no reason at all. I don't know and I don't care. Ok, maybe I care a little. But the why is sort of irrelevant to my response. I have two choices. Seriously I have played it all out in my head and it comes down to TWO. I can freak out, get scared, start thinking about what a horrible life he will have if he doesn't learn to manage his feelings, and how can I possibly take on something new when I haven't even figured out what is going on with him, and man I am tired of this I just want to throw my hands up and say never mind. OR I can trust and hope. I can trust that God has a plan, that he loves AC boy more than I do, that he is directing my steps, that he will never leave me, that he will give me the tools I need and the strength to use them. And I can hope that some how, some way my little Gabe will get radically transformed by Jesus' love. Because really my love, Jason's love, the love from his siblings and grandparents all just scratches the surface of the deep cavern in him that needs filling. Seriously, he is an emotional black hole. Only God can do that. While I wait and pray I will ask the Lord to fill me up so that I can be poured out - poured into the black hole. I will choose to trust and hope.

In The Truck On 501

There are moments in in time that live forever. I remember Jason kissing me for the first time. I remember our wedding and looking into his eyes and having ZERO doubt. I remember seeing my first positive pregnancy test. I remember my second positive pregnancy test which was a bit more shocking(: I remember the first time I sawGabe's picture and wanting to reach into it and hold him. I remember a phone call on September 29, 2004 from Jason saying to call the social worker because our son was in Haiti and we had to go get him. These moments are the ones we look back on and smile because of where they took us. Driving home from the foster parenting meeting may one day be a forever moment. We talked about the things that had led us to this moment in time and how we had been prepared in certain ways. There were mundane things like not being on vacation when the training would take place - which was clearly a God thing. And the fact that my ASL class had switched nights but I had not signed up for my women's bible study when it did so that we would be free on the nights we needed. We talked about how we had learned to let go when we wanted to hold on and how we had learned to let go when God said it was not ours to hold. We reminded each other of God's sovereign plans and the peace that he gives when you obey. Though it may be peace in the midst of pain. Jason said he didn't want to guess at what God was going to do, but we could both imagine looking back on that night as the beginning...of something.

I am going to assume that this leg of our lives together may be the most difficult yet because God is not content with letting us be stagnant. His love for us is too great. He wants us to grow in our knowledge of who he is, and in our love for those around us. I'm thinking this adventure will allow for lots of both!

Baby Steps..Get On The Bus

I have learned at this point to never say never. There was a time that I said I would never homeschool. If you go way back there was a time I said I would never have kids. Well, I am officially beginning the process on another never.

We are moving forward. We can't say that we know what will happen or how far this bus will take us, but we both have great peace about starting the journey. Last night we attended our first foster parenting meeting. We have committed to the training program which will be twice a week until April. As we drove home last night we felt good, peaceful and expectant. We both feel that lots of things had fallen into place for us to begin this journey at this moment, and we can see God's hand in it. YIKES! Pray for us(:

To Answer Jason's Question:

No, God did not look like this when he told me the mop joke!