Wednesday, December 15, 2010

So, Are You Done?

If I had a nickel for everytime I've answered that question I would have, well, atleast 25 cents. But I get the feeling only a small percentage of people who are thinking it actually say it out loud. When Jason got the big "V" when Sydney was one I remember looking at my two girls and thinking that if we had to be done I could be content. Of course we had adoption in our sights so we soon after brought Gabe home. Then we not only got asked if we were done, but we said "yes" everytime, and quite emphatically I might add. When God sent us to Haiti for Daniel I was simultaneously convinced He was doing something redemptive and scared out of my ever lovin' mind that I would fall flat on my face (in a puddle of my own tears, in a corner, in the bathroom). Don't laugh. My doubt came from experience. I had visited that corner before. Gabe's adoption ushered in the spiritually darkest time of my life. After he came home I sank into a depression that threatened to destroy me. It is really the only time in my life that I felt truly abandoned by the Lord. I would call to Him desperate for relief and only silence followed. I was sinking. It was the scariest version of getting out of the boat and then seeing the storm that I personally have lived. Looking back on that time is still painful. I can very vividly remember those feelings, and yet I can also see now how God was lovingly carrying me, putting churches in place, putting distance from home and a very simplified life in place. Basically stripping any source of comfort I might have had apart from him. So painful and yet so loving of Him to give me no choice. You can understand then why the thought of another even more emotionally trying international adoption was a bit unnerving. When nothing but sheer bliss followed Daniel's homecoming I was able to praise God with a gratefulness I couldn't have known without experiencing the opposite. and this time when we got the "done" question we just laughed and shrugged.
We were finally beginning to understand. It's not about us. It's not about what we can handle, or what is financially prudent, or what we pictured as our perfect family, or, or, or.... And it most certainly is not about being "done". Our sweet little Bean is my daily reminder that being done only means less love, less blessing, less joy. Each child and the way they join our family teaches me more about God's grace, His goodness, His mercy, His sovereignty. Why would I ever want to be done with learning more about my Father, being drawn closer to His heart and what is dear to Him? One day the last child to enter our home will be the last. It may even be today. But I have stopped seeking that day as though it were a finish line. May we never wish for done. And may done with this only mean we are on to other even more beautiful things.

4 comments:

Emily said...

I always secretly hope that the answer to that question will be no :) It's amazing how love only grows and multiplies rather than diminishes. Your family has taught me a deeper and truer love!

Lindsay said...

Emily, you said it so beautifully. I heartily concur. Merry Christmas to both of your wonderful families.

rachelleevensen said...

This is a great post, Heather! I love how you put everything in persective, seeing things as Jesus sees them. It's not at all about whether it would be "easier" to say no. It's about the gifts we will miss out on unless we say yes!

Heather said...

Thank you Rachelle. You're sweet.