Gettin' Real

Real honest that is. I may not publish this, but it will do me good to get it out. Here goes. At family devotions Jason has been talking about coveting. With the whole consumer Christmas thing happening we want our kids to be content with the things they have and not obsess about this or that toy. Anyway, I sit there and nod my head wisely all the while feeling the hypocrisy rise within me. Honestly, I don't covet things. And it's not because I am so holy or something. It is just not my particular weakness. What I do covet is so much worse. I don't covet what someone else has, their new car, or house, or outfit. I covet their entire life. Wow, this sounds weird even to me. Let me explain. An example could be that I find a blog of someone with like 10 kids or something and they're all, "we are so blessed, our children are a gift, we homeschool them all, blah blah," and I start wondering why they can handle 10 kids and I can't, or why God saw fit to use them that way and not me, or why they can homeschool 10 and I am about to pluck my own eyeballs out homeschooling one. Or I read about missionaries in other countries and think their life must be so much more interesting than my hum drum days. I mean, they are on the battlefield for goodness sakes. What do I do? Cook. Clean. And Repeat.

So what does this boil down to? Discontentment. Pride. Lack of faith in my Saviour and what He is doing in my life. It is, as Phillip Keller describes in his book, "A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23" the epitome of spiritual fence jumping. I am not happy with the field my shepherd has placed me in and so I look for greener pastures.

Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything, you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep. Truly, truly I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk where you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." This He said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God. And after saying this He said to him, "Follow Me."

Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who had been reclining at table close to him and had said, "Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?". When Peter saw him he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?" Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come what is that to you? You follow Me!"

John 21:17-22

I LOVE Peter. I can so relate to him. Impulsive, over-eager, under-intellectual. He means well. He really does. And here is the Lord giving him a chance at redemption after Peter had denied him. It is beautiful...right up until Jesus prophesies for him a gruesome death (which can be read about in church history - try the Book of Martyrs or Josephus' writings). Then all of a sudden Peter is like, "hey what about him (John), what do you have planned for him?" Jesus replies with a 'mind your own beeswax '. Jesus just asked Peter if he loved Him, Peter said yes, and Jesus says you will die for following me, now come on let's go. He makes no apologies for His plan. He does not try to make things even or equitable. In fact John does go on to live a long life and dies a natural death on the island of Patmos.

He is my shepherd and I am his sheep. I don't want to be a discontented, wandering, fence jumping sheep.

Lord, fill me with the grace I need to live the life you have given to me. I so love you, and I want to honor you with what I have. Help me to seek what you want for me, and not seek what you have already given to someone else. My life is for you. Help me to quit trying to reclaim it!
Amen.