Plank Eye

This morning before school Gabe had a massive flip out and started wacking my car with his lunch bag. Hard. Like swinging a baseball bat. And you're thinking, what horrible thing must've happened for him to resort to such a thing? Well, according to him we were late. Of course it was the same time we leave every morning so his feeling was completely an internal barometer that had no base in reality. Plus, Daniel and I had been sitting there ready to go for the past 20 minutes. We were waiting on Gabe. But once he was ready nothing happened fast enough. True to form this week I did NOT therapeutic parent him. I yelled. I grabbed him and physically made him stop. And all the way to school I lectured...loudly. As I pulled away from the school I began to pray. And almost before I got a word out God said, "What are you doing asking him to control his anger when you can't even control yours." Essentially, first take the log out of your own eye genius. Well, I don't know if he said the genius part, but maybe. I happen to think sarcasm is a gift from God so why wouldn't he use it on me? Anyhoo. He then began to point out that all week, the week in which I had totally dropped the therapeutic parenting ball, I had skipped my morning quiet time. How in the world, He asked, can you pour out my love if you haven't even gotten filled first? So, in the car on the way home I apologized, asked for forgiveness, and told them what God had said to me. They loved when I said God wanted me to control my anger first and I threw in a "busted" like they say when they get caught doing something wrong. I told them how I hadn't had my time with the Lord and I needed to get up and get filled with the Holy Spirit every morning. I reminded Gabe how we talked about getting better sometimes being hard work. I told him it is VERY hard for me to get out of bed early, but I am willing to do what is hard so that God can use me. At this point it was bordering on lecture again so I shut up. Gabe said he was sorry too. And I believe he was, but that won't stop him from doing it again. Such is the suckiness of trauma. But God is good. And even this neverending trial of a lifetime is a gift from Him. On that note you have to go read Katie: http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/.
I pray for the grace to keep saying "whatever" to God.

Sigh...

Been dealing with lots of ugly around here. Our newest enemy is the green eyed monster. Gabe is so insanely jealous of his brother that Daniel can't even be in the same room without being verbally berated. Gabe hates everything about him all the way down to the way he breathes and the look on his face. I can therapeutic parent the crap out of alot of situations, but this one is kicking my butt. I am very protective of my sweet little D Hud. He is a precious little soul, but I see him changing under the weight of this abuse. And that makes me fighting, stinking, I might just have to go off on somebody MAD. How in the world do I show love and kindness to one child while they emotionally destroy another? For one thing I have decided to keep Daniel home for school next year. I will use those Gabe free hours to pour some love and encouragement into him. I will get to enjoy him and have fun without Gabe watching every little thing I do for him, keeping a score card of all that proof that I love Daniel more. It has gotten to the point where if they are both in the room I can't talk to either of them. I don't talk to Gabe because he is fuming and making mean faces at Daniel or berating him in some way. And I can't talk to Daniel because Gabe will use that as evidence of my "preferential treatment". For that reason I cherish my bedtime ritual with Daniel and Alena. I read to Daniel from The Jesus Storybook Bible (AWESOME BOOK , HIGHLY RECOMMEND) and then we talk about it and pray and snuggle. It is awesome and Gabe can't ruin it if he isn't there! I am sort of stuck on this one. I'll let you know if I get any revelation from God about how to handle this!

Believe

What we believe is more powerful than we know. And sometimes it takes something big, sometimes even "rock your world" kind of big, to make us see that what we thought we believed and what we actually believe are not so much the same. I say that I believe that Gabe's brain suffered damage due to his prenatal and early infancy trauma. But, based on my parenting the past couple of days, I guess I really think that is a load of whooey. Because I have disciplined, lectured, griped, and complained as though he was in complete control and just wanted to be the bad bad boy he was. Apparently my foundation in this area is weak, and when rubber meets the road I cave and fall back on old habits and old belief systems. So, today I will spend some time reading, reflecting and re-learning what I already know to be true so that I can live in such a way that my belief is evident. And I believe that my son hates the way he is even more than I do, that if he could do better he would do better. I believe that he is hurting and scared in ways that I have been too blessed to know and that it is my job as his Mom to love, comfort and care for his aching heart. And most importantly, I believe that he loves me and I love him and WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS together.

And I just had to laugh as God whispered to my heart, "Does you life show others what you think you believe about me, or does it show them what you really believe about me?" Hmmm. Maybe today calls for some reading, reflecting, and re-learning what I know to be true about the Lord as well!