Fresh Start

I'm done here.  You can join me here: http://wandersinthedeep.blogspot.com/

The Good, The Bad, The Utterly Amazing Part 1

We are now eight months into this parenting medically fragile twins/parenting seven kids thing. I think 37 is a bit young to be pre-menopausal so I am going to attribute my violent mood swings during this time to the fact that it has simultaneously been so much better and so much worse than I ever imagined. Going in we had no idea what any of this was going to look like. We heard words like "ventilator" and "trach" and "g-tube" and could only make fairly uneducated guesses at what they were. At the end of last summer as we visited the twins in the hospital the nurses would spoon feed us tiny bits of information to go home and digest. By the end of July I was in full on panic attack mode. I was freaking out. I kept thinking, they are not in our home yet, we haven't signed anything, we can still get out of this. I know, super mature and so loving. But Jason, the one who was usually trying to talk me OUT of having more kids, was steadfast and completely immovable. He was convinced they were from the Lord. I am so grateful he was the rock when I was the jello. Isaiah had his trach and g-tube surgery on July 23rd. I was there when he came out of surgery. He was in so much pain and so tiny and innocent. After I was over my fainting spell I sat next to him and prayed. And God washed me in a wave of love for this precious child. I warned God that choosing a fainter to parent a child with all these holes in him was risky, but if He thought it was a good idea then I would give my all to make this child happy and healthy one day. August 1st Faith came home from the hospital. She was on oxygen and an apnea monitor. The sleep deprivation was on. In the beginning she was so small and could eat so little at a time that we had to wake her every 3 hours to eat - even at night. Which meant we never got more than 2 hours sleep in a row and even that was not likely when her apnea monitor was going off 5-6 times a night. Simultaneously we were still making the 2 hour round trip drive to visit Isaiah as often as possible, Jason and I taking turns staying home with the other 6. It was grueling. I wavered between wanting Isaiah home so that we were all atleast under one roof to realizing that once he came home the real work began.

"Let Me 'Splain

No, is too much. Let me sum up." Indigo Montoya

My prayers for Camille led me in my quiet time with the Lord to be in a place of complete surrender. He kept pointing me to verse after verse that reminded me my life is not my own. It took weeks of wrestling but He finally broke me down and I promised to talk to Jason about it. So, on Friday night June 17th we sat down and I shared all that the Lord had been telling me. I nervously said I thought He might want us to adopt Camille ourselves. And my sweet, precious, God-loving husband said, "ok let's pray about it." In the meantime her country was shutting down adoptions for an undisclosed period of time and she became unavailable due to some changes in the law. But the Lord had us in a place of complete surrender to Him so we just prayed that He would guide our steps. The very next day, Saturday June 18th I came home from a Haiti team trip just sick to my stomach and scared out of my mind. I did not have peace about moving forward with Camille, but I wasn't sure why. Jason said he had prayed and felt that God was saying to keep moving forward, but he did not get any confirmation about Camille specifically. Just that we were to trust that to the Lord. We agreed to keep praying and I sat down to check my emails. In my inbox was a message from our social worker telling us she may need us for premature twins born drug-addicted at 27 weeks gestation who would likely have multiple neurological issues and be trach and g-tube dependant. I should've been scared right? But I actually laughed out loud and went to find Jason to show him. He laughed as well and we felt we had our answer as to which direction we should be headed. God used Camille to get us to a place of complete brokenness and surrender so that when that email came we would not immediately dismiss it as impossible. We were ready to say yes to whatever He sent our way. For the past two weeks we have driven the two hour round trip to visit the twins almost every day. They are precious little treasures and we feel honored to be entrusted with them. Are we scared? Um yeah. Do we have total peace that God has called us to this? Absolutely. So, we take each step as He guides and give Him the glory for all He is going to do in us and in these sweet babies.

Me holding baby boy and Jason holding baby girl the first time we meet(:

Please Pray With Me

Camille needs you prayers now more than ever. Her country is changing some laws regarding adoption. The new law which goes into effect in about a month will only allow children to be adopted internationally after the age of 5 UNLESS they have one of the listed and accepted special needs. Unfortunately right now Camille's needs (CP/hydrocephaly) are not on the list. Please pray for those in power to add to that list quickly so that children don't have to needlessly wait. It is widely expected that the list will grow, but no one knows when. Yet another example of bureaucracy that kills. BUT GOD is bigger than this. So please pray with me for Camille and all the other hundreds of children that wait, and wait, and wait.

Worth It?

I don't know if I am happy to have these or not. I know they break my heart. I don't know the circumstances around them and I don't know who took them, but they may be the only glimpse of her that anyone can get before actually going to adopt her. If someone doesn't step out in faith for this child she will quite literally disappear. She will die, likely within a couple of years after being at the mental institution. Who will mourn her death? Who will mourn the life she could've lived? I know the questions you have, because I've had them as well. Is she in there? I mean behind those eyes is there someone still there, still thinking, still hoping? Or have the years of neglect and lack of stimulation stolen the child she could've been? I don't know. Claiming this child as your daughter will take a leap of faith that I have never known. She will probably need care the rest of her life, however long that is. She may never talk, walk or even sit up on her own. Is she worth it? The other day in church I was praising God, pouring out my heart, even the questions and the pain, just pouring them out to him. A sacrifice of praise. Sacrificial because it hurts sometimes to praise Him in the midst of the ache of this world. Instead of praising Him I want to hurl my volley of questions which all begin with "WHY?" and can only ever be answered with "WHO". And I felt this flood of joy and gratitude and love. He came to me when I was spiritually just like Camille laying in that crib. I was helpless and hopeless, and could offer nothing in return for His coming. Yet He came. He saw something in me. Worth. Value. Enough to sacrifice His Son for me. And here I am after 30 something years of being His, and I am still about as useless. But He loves me. He was willing to commit to lifetime care. What a beautiful picture of grace and unconditional love the adoption of this sweet child will be. The fleshing out of the gospel that we have been freely given. Is she worth it? Was I?

Meet Camille

I would like to introduce you to Camille. Her 4th birthday is coming up but unfortunately she will have no reason to celebrate. You see, she lives in an Eastern European orphanage, and she has special needs. This means that when she turns four she will be transferred to an institution where she will be expected to do nothing but disappear and die alone. I don't know if you have read "The Boy From Baby Houe #10" or seen his story on Dateline, but if you have then you understand my despair. Camille, although she is 3, is the size of a one year old (a small one). She cannot walk or talk or even sit up on her own. She is one of the forgotten ones in the "lying down rooms". She never leaves her crib. The people around her don't see a precious child of God. They see an "imbecile", a barely human not worth my time lump of flesh. Remember all the uproar over the Romanian orphanages in the early 90's? Well guess what? Nothing has changed. There are still rows upon rows of babies in iron cribs who lay silent because they have learned to expect nothing. I have a picture of her (that I don't have permission to share) during one of the rare times she is out of her crib. She is being held by a lady in a group photo. I see something in her that hasn't given up. Her little face is turned to the worker, looking up at her, almost willing her to notice, to see that she IS SOMEONE.

Well, I am NOT going to be silent. I am going to speak up, and possibly even scream about this until... Until what, I don't know. And I hope you will join me. Here is the link to Camille's Reece's Rainbow page :http://reecesrainbow.org/?s=camille . I know I rant and rave about the millions of orphans in this world all the time. I know I can't save them all (people are very kind to point that out). I know she is one tiny child in a sea of tiny children who will go to bed motherless tonight. Why am I now ranting and raving about this one girl? I don't know. All I know is she keeps me up at night. I have to do something. So, I am begging you - all 3 of you who read this blog! - to help me help Camille. Go to her page and donate if you can. Help her family bring her home. Pray for her, for her little body to stay strong, for her heart to feel God near. Then pass her along. Send her link to anyone you can think of who might be willing to help. She is alone and fatherless in a crib, and she has learned to expect nothing. I am surrounded by friends and family and am a daughter of the King of Kings, and I am expecting great things.

SADHD = sad head

I want to share a little of what God has been telling me these few weeks since the retreat. When I got home I learned that I would have to be much more intentional about shutting out the other voices and seeking to hear from Him. But what followed was such peace. I began to soak up His presence. I was so excited to get into His word, and I realized how seldom I have read the Bible just to get to know more about my Saviour. So often, I am embarrassed to say, I would run to the word when I needed something - an answer, a healing, a sign. But now I run to the Word because that is where my Lord is waiting for me. No agenda but communion. No striving unless it is after my Jesus. I'm thinking I need to begin a personal study on the "rest" that is talked about in Hebrews 4. So often I feel burdened. I ache for the millions of children who go to bed tonight with no mommy to tuck them in, or I ache for the one child who grabs my heart and I pray. But Jesus said his yoke is easy and his burden is light. Perhaps I am carrying what should be His? Then in Galations Paul says we are to bear one another's burdens. How do we bear them? Is it right that I should lay awake at night wondering about these children, this child? Should I place them at the foot of the cross and say they are Jesus' responsibility, or has He asked me to be burdened on their behalf? If so, for what outcome? More action? More prayer? ...More Price kids? And then my SADHD (spiritual attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) kicks in and I am back striving, wondering - no, more like wandering. How I love Haiti. How I love orphans. How I love the kids at my church. How I love my family. HOW do all of these things fit together into ONE vision? Because sometimes I feel like an octopus with a hand in every direction, but going no where. And once again I am right back where I started. Be still. Be quiet. Shut out all but Jesus. Listen and wait. Because I see other people with a vision. One true vision statement. And they are able to move forward, and actually accomplish things. I am praying for the Heather Price, Inc. vision statement to fall from the heavens. And then I am praying for God to give me some serious side blinders so that I can move forward.

Retreat

A week ago I went on a retreat. I go every year and look forward to this "date" with the Lord. I just get really quiet and soak Him in for a solid 24 hours, and I come home filled and renewed. This year was different. I went with no agenda. You know what I mean right? When you already have something in mind that you expect or want to hear from Him. Well, this year in the week leading up to the retreat all of my time with Him I was told to shut out all other things and just listen to Him. I needed to shut out all the other voices, and boy were there alot of them. Blogs, facebook, devotional books, sermons, friends, etc. None of them in and of themselves bad, but all of them crowding out the ONE voice I needed to hear. So, I promised the Lord that I would try to make everything else just hush for a while so I could hear from Him alone, and as if He knew I needed help He completely shut out all hearing from my right ear. I seriously couldn't hear anything out of it and my own voice in my head was crazy loud and my ear was ringing so it was very difficult to have a conversation. It was funny, but it also actually helped to remind me throughout the week that I needed to focus. And the Lord met me in such a powerful way. The Holy Spirit was working in a beautiful way. I felt overcome with gratitude in a new and precious way, for my salvation. And with no agenda of what I wanted to hear from God He had His way and spoke into my heart in ways I can't even put into words. I came home literally giddy over my saviour. Renewed in my desire to share Him with the world. I am keeping myself on a "blog fast" for a while so that I can just be with the Lord and listen for His guidance. He is working something out in me and I just want to be with Him. I may not be here for a while...

Plank Eye

This morning before school Gabe had a massive flip out and started wacking my car with his lunch bag. Hard. Like swinging a baseball bat. And you're thinking, what horrible thing must've happened for him to resort to such a thing? Well, according to him we were late. Of course it was the same time we leave every morning so his feeling was completely an internal barometer that had no base in reality. Plus, Daniel and I had been sitting there ready to go for the past 20 minutes. We were waiting on Gabe. But once he was ready nothing happened fast enough. True to form this week I did NOT therapeutic parent him. I yelled. I grabbed him and physically made him stop. And all the way to school I lectured...loudly. As I pulled away from the school I began to pray. And almost before I got a word out God said, "What are you doing asking him to control his anger when you can't even control yours." Essentially, first take the log out of your own eye genius. Well, I don't know if he said the genius part, but maybe. I happen to think sarcasm is a gift from God so why wouldn't he use it on me? Anyhoo. He then began to point out that all week, the week in which I had totally dropped the therapeutic parenting ball, I had skipped my morning quiet time. How in the world, He asked, can you pour out my love if you haven't even gotten filled first? So, in the car on the way home I apologized, asked for forgiveness, and told them what God had said to me. They loved when I said God wanted me to control my anger first and I threw in a "busted" like they say when they get caught doing something wrong. I told them how I hadn't had my time with the Lord and I needed to get up and get filled with the Holy Spirit every morning. I reminded Gabe how we talked about getting better sometimes being hard work. I told him it is VERY hard for me to get out of bed early, but I am willing to do what is hard so that God can use me. At this point it was bordering on lecture again so I shut up. Gabe said he was sorry too. And I believe he was, but that won't stop him from doing it again. Such is the suckiness of trauma. But God is good. And even this neverending trial of a lifetime is a gift from Him. On that note you have to go read Katie: http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/.
I pray for the grace to keep saying "whatever" to God.

Sigh...

Been dealing with lots of ugly around here. Our newest enemy is the green eyed monster. Gabe is so insanely jealous of his brother that Daniel can't even be in the same room without being verbally berated. Gabe hates everything about him all the way down to the way he breathes and the look on his face. I can therapeutic parent the crap out of alot of situations, but this one is kicking my butt. I am very protective of my sweet little D Hud. He is a precious little soul, but I see him changing under the weight of this abuse. And that makes me fighting, stinking, I might just have to go off on somebody MAD. How in the world do I show love and kindness to one child while they emotionally destroy another? For one thing I have decided to keep Daniel home for school next year. I will use those Gabe free hours to pour some love and encouragement into him. I will get to enjoy him and have fun without Gabe watching every little thing I do for him, keeping a score card of all that proof that I love Daniel more. It has gotten to the point where if they are both in the room I can't talk to either of them. I don't talk to Gabe because he is fuming and making mean faces at Daniel or berating him in some way. And I can't talk to Daniel because Gabe will use that as evidence of my "preferential treatment". For that reason I cherish my bedtime ritual with Daniel and Alena. I read to Daniel from The Jesus Storybook Bible (AWESOME BOOK , HIGHLY RECOMMEND) and then we talk about it and pray and snuggle. It is awesome and Gabe can't ruin it if he isn't there! I am sort of stuck on this one. I'll let you know if I get any revelation from God about how to handle this!

Believe

What we believe is more powerful than we know. And sometimes it takes something big, sometimes even "rock your world" kind of big, to make us see that what we thought we believed and what we actually believe are not so much the same. I say that I believe that Gabe's brain suffered damage due to his prenatal and early infancy trauma. But, based on my parenting the past couple of days, I guess I really think that is a load of whooey. Because I have disciplined, lectured, griped, and complained as though he was in complete control and just wanted to be the bad bad boy he was. Apparently my foundation in this area is weak, and when rubber meets the road I cave and fall back on old habits and old belief systems. So, today I will spend some time reading, reflecting and re-learning what I already know to be true so that I can live in such a way that my belief is evident. And I believe that my son hates the way he is even more than I do, that if he could do better he would do better. I believe that he is hurting and scared in ways that I have been too blessed to know and that it is my job as his Mom to love, comfort and care for his aching heart. And most importantly, I believe that he loves me and I love him and WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS together.

And I just had to laugh as God whispered to my heart, "Does you life show others what you think you believe about me, or does it show them what you really believe about me?" Hmmm. Maybe today calls for some reading, reflecting, and re-learning what I know to be true about the Lord as well!

Invite Ugly For Dinner

I hate to say this out loud, but I really can't stand it when people tell me they "have always wanted to adopt". Because one time I said, "I've always wanted to spend a week at the beach" and by golly I DID IT! It was awesome. I plan to do it again. I think what people really mean when they say this is, "I've always wanted to WANT to adopt" and truthfully that would be easier for me to hear. And the real kicker is that when they say this they are likely envisioning the fairy tale hallmark version of adoption portrayed in the lifetime original moving starring Tori Spelling. I'm only saying that because that is the version I thought I was signing up for. I had no idea what it would look like to bring trauma into our family. THANK GOODNESS! If I had known what I was signing up for I may have never done it. God knew what I needed to learn and He knew exactly which kids I needed to teach me. So, if people really only want to WANT to adopt and the adopt they are envisioning isn't even half a percent as hard as the actual thing then how in the big wide world are we suppposed to encourage people to step out in faith and actually do it? How can I say that adoption is the most grueling, gutwrenching, agonizingly difficult thing I have ever been a part of, but it is also the most beautiful, perfect, life affirming thing I have ever done? How do I explain to people what it means to parent a child permanently damaged by prenatal trauma and early childhood loss and grief? I find myself pulled in two directions. I am angry at adoption agencies that provide little training on trauma and attachment pre-adoption and little to no post adoption support. But where in the conversation in which I encourage someone to adopt do I insert the fact that your adopted child will likely throw things at you, curse you, threaten you and other family members, find every button you have and push it until you break or go insane, and in general sabotage every peaceful happy moment you have until they have proven to themselves or you have proven to them that you will still love them even after they do all that? It can't be my opener that's for sure! Fortunately with our little RADish we are on the path to healing. We are finally (having been his parents for 9 YEARS) beginning to see the real boy behind the fear, anger and shame that RAD had caused. So, I actually can say the good things about adoption because I finally am starting to believe them again myself. There were some dark years when I would've told anyone wanting to adopt to reconsider. It was only slightly humorous of God to ask ME to do it again smack in the middle of them. I can hear Jesus now. "Peter do you love me?" Thank you Lord for redemption. Constant, recurring, life-affirming redemption. But is it ever an ugly process. Hurt kids are hard to live with. You are inviting some serious ugly over for dinner if you welcome them into your home. All that stuff you won't let your kids watch on TV - well, these kids will live it out in full blown 3-D right in your living room. It is messy and dark and all out soul-sucking HARD work to help them heal. You have to let go of all the pictures you had in your head of the perfect family. Heck, forget perfect, you won't even be "normal". Other parents will be talking honor roll and sporting events and you will be shampooing the pee out of the carpets and getting quotes for replacement windows. And no, you don't have a puppy, and yes those holes are BB sized. But oh the JOY. Today my RAdlet came to me after a rage, snuggled up and hugged me and brought me a snack. A peace offering if you will. And when I realized that love was oozing out of me for this boy I nearly cried. There was a day when I was convinced I would never love this child. But here it was. Fierce, Mama Bear kind of love for this son of mine who I have fought for, cried over, prayed for, battled demons for. My son. My boy. Who loves me so much he's scared to death to let me see it. How do I tell you what this kind of love feels like? "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." When you adopt a child you are laying down your life. You won't like it. But it will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

FOCUS

1. to bring into focus
2. to adjust the focal distance of (the eye, a lens etc.) in order to produce a clear image
3. to fix on one object or purpose; to concentrate

My life lacks focus at the moment. There have been times in my life when I felt it, felt God's gentle hands holding my squriming cheeks, directing my gaze, saying "look right here child, pay attention to this, it is so important to Me". I remember the passion, the attentive care I applied when I believed I was walking only just where he set my feet to walk. Such joy, knowing I was making my Heavenly Father happy. Such peace, believing that any bump on this particular path was meant for me, for my good, for my growth and shaping to become more like Him. Oh how I miss it. When did I let the other things crowd in? Could I even tell you what the "other things" are? I'm not sure. I only know that I feel like a blind man in outer space. No egdes to guide me. No sound to call me home. No comfort of feet on solid ground.

You hem me in behind and before; and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot contain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night" even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:7-12

And so as the Psalmist begged so shall I!

Search me O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and LEAD ME IN THE WAY EVERLASTING! Psalm 139:23-24

What did you eat today?

The other night at bed time, which as all parents know is when the great questions get pulled out, I was wrangled into a conversation about pregnancy. My sister and her husband had come up earlier in a previous conversation and Gabe had asked me if I thought Aunt Emmy would ever be able to have kids. I didn't think much of it and just said, sure when they were ready they would probably have kids, they just didn't want to get pregnant right now. So as I tucked him in he asks, "how can you only get pregnant when you are ready?" (Insert long pause I tried to fill with much tucking and fluffing.) So, he continued, "cause Aunt Emmy is married so she could get pregnant any time." "Well, " I said, "in order to get pregnant you don't have to just be married. You have to do something." At this point I believe I am actually holding my breath. He says, "You mean like a special diet?"

Life as Ministry

I've done alot of reading, soul searching and seeking the Lord over the past year (or so) about what it really means to actually DO what the Bible says. I gradually came to the realization that many people who claim the title "Christian" don't, in reality, take the words of the Bible or the commands in it very seriously. I also discovered that I was one of them. So I find myself trying to figure out what it looks like to die to self, take up your cross, and FOLLOW HIM. Well, I think it looks different for each person, but it boils down to motivation and end goals in my opinion.

If I live my life for me and my motivation is happiness, ease or comfort then I will choose my house, my job, my number of children, my spending habits based on exactly that. Many Christians do this without even thinking about it. They are just living. Haven't we all answered the questions, 'how many kids do you want?' or 'where do you want to live' or 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' We think we get to choose, and that "full-time ministry" is a calling for the few. (No not the proud, the humble.) But is it? Can you read Jesus' words and actually believe that any of us can escape full-time ministry? Can you take up your cross and simultaneously be devoted to dreams such as a nicer house, or a job with more prestige, or more leisure time and the toys with which to fill it? Well, I guess you then come to the question of the end you seek. Or maybe not even the end you seek, but the end you believe will be. The way I see it, if you truly believe that everything on this earth and in this life will be nothing and all you will have left is what you sent on to Heaven, then WHY IN THE WORLD would you seek after these things? And if you believe that you truly are eternal and will be spending your eternity in the presence of the Creator God who formed you out of nothing and loved you enough to send His son to die for you, and asked of you some very specific things, then WHY IN THE WORLD would you avoid those things in favor of momentary comfort?
So I have decided that I AM IN full time ministry. If I am going to die to self and live for Christ as Paul says we are called to do, then my life is not mine to choose. Things start to look very different when you realize that your life is your ministry. Decision making becomes more prayerful and less analytical. Whether I want something holds no weight. Whether I feel able holds no weight. Whether happiness follows holds no weight. The ONLY factor that holds weight is the will of my Heavenly Father. He gets to decide. It is simultaeously utterly terrifying and utterly freeing. My present definition of faith is choosing to see it as utterly freeing.