LOVE HOPES

"Let Me 'Splain

2011-07-26T12:43:00.000-05:00

No, is too much. Let me sum up." Indigo Montoya

My prayers for Camille led me in my quiet time with the Lord to be in a place of complete surrender. He kept pointing me to verse after verse that reminded me my life is not my own. It took weeks of wrestling but He finally broke me down and I promised to talk to Jason about it. So, on Friday night June 17th we sat down and I shared all that the Lord had been telling me. I nervously said I thought He might want us to adopt Camille ourselves. And my sweet, precious, God-loving husband said, "ok let's pray about it." In the meantime her country was shutting down adoptions for an undisclosed period of time and she became unavailable due to some changes in the law. But the Lord had us in a place of complete surrender to Him so we just prayed that He would guide our steps. The very next day, Saturday June 18th I came home from a Haiti team trip just sick to my stomach and scared out of my mind. I did not have peace about moving forward with Camille, but I wasn't sure why. Jason said he had prayed and felt that God was saying to keep moving forward, but he did not get any confirmation about Camille specifically. Just that we were to trust that to the Lord. We agreed to keep praying and I sat down to check my emails. In my inbox was a message from our social worker telling us she may need us for premature twins born drug-addicted at 27 weeks gestation who would likely have multiple neurological issues and be trach and g-tube dependant. I should've been scared right? But I actually laughed out loud and went to find Jason to show him. He laughed as well and we felt we had our answer as to which direction we should be headed. God used Camille to get us to a place of complete brokenness and surrender so that when that email came we would not immediately dismiss it as impossible. We were ready to say yes to whatever He sent our way. For the past two weeks we have driven the two hour round trip to visit the twins almost every day. They are precious little treasures and we feel honored to be entrusted with them. Are we scared? Um yeah. Do we have total peace that God has called us to this? Absolutely. So, we take each step as He guides and give Him the glory for all He is going to do in us and in these sweet babies.

Me holding baby boy and Jason holding baby girl the first time we meet(:

Please Pray With Me

2011-06-14T10:10:00.002-05:00

Camille needs you prayers now more than ever. Her country is changing some laws regarding adoption. The new law which goes into effect in about a month will only allow children to be adopted internationally after the age of 5 UNLESS they have one of the listed and accepted special needs. Unfortunately right now Camille's needs (CP/hydrocephaly) are not on the list. Please pray for those in power to add to that list quickly so that children don't have to needlessly wait. It is widely expected that the list will grow, but no one knows when. Yet another example of bureaucracy that kills. BUT GOD is bigger than this. So please pray with me for Camille and all the other hundreds of children that wait, and wait, and wait.

Worth It?

2011-05-14T09:38:00.006-05:00

I don't know if I am happy to have these or not. I know they break my heart. I don't know the circumstances around them and I don't know who took them, but they may be the only glimpse of her that anyone can get before actually going to adopt her. If someone doesn't step out in faith for this child she will quite literally disappear. She will die, likely within a couple of years after being at the mental institution. Who will mourn her death? Who will mourn the life she could've lived? I know the questions you have, because I've had them as well. Is she in there? I mean behind those eyes is there someone still there, still thinking, still hoping? Or have the years of neglect and lack of stimulation stolen the child she could've been? I don't know. Claiming this child as your daughter will take a leap of faith that I have never known. She will probably need care the rest of her life, however long that is. She may never talk, walk or even sit up on her own. Is she worth it? The other day in church I was praising God, pouring out my heart, even the questions and the pain, just pouring them out to him. A sacrifice of praise. Sacrificial because it hurts sometimes to praise Him in the midst of the ache of this world. Instead of praising Him I want to hurl my volley of questions which all begin with "WHY?" and can only ever be answered with "WHO". And I felt this flood of joy and gratitude and love. He came to me when I was spiritually just like Camille laying in that crib. I was helpless and hopeless, and could offer nothing in return for His coming. Yet He came. He saw something in me. Worth. Value. Enough to sacrifice His Son for me. And here I am after 30 something years of being His, and I am still about as useless. But He loves me. He was willing to commit to lifetime care. What a beautiful picture of grace and unconditional love the adoption of this sweet child will be. The fleshing out of the gospel that we have been freely given. Is she worth it? Was I?

Meet Camille

2011-04-29T11:53:00.006-05:00

I would like to introduce you to Camille. Her 4th birthday is coming up but unfortunately she will have no reason to celebrate. You see, she lives in an Eastern European orphanage, and she has special needs. This means that when she turns four she will be transferred to an institution where she will be expected to do nothing but disappear and die alone. I don't know if you have read "The Boy From Baby Houe #10" or seen his story on Dateline, but if you have then you understand my despair. Camille, although she is 3, is the size of a one year old (a small one). She cannot walk or talk or even sit up on her own. She is one of the forgotten ones in the "lying down rooms". She never leaves her crib. The people around her don't see a precious child of God. They see an "imbecile", a barely human not worth my time lump of flesh. Remember all the uproar over the Romanian orphanages in the early 90's? Well guess what? Nothing has changed. There are still rows upon rows of babies in iron cribs who lay silent because they have learned to expect nothing. I have a picture of her (that I don't have permission to share) during one of the rare times she is out of her crib. She is being held by a lady in a group photo. I see something in her that hasn't given up. Her little face is turned to the worker, looking up at her, almost willing her to notice, to see that she IS SOMEONE.

Well, I am NOT going to be silent. I am going to speak up, and possibly even scream about this until... Until what, I don't know. And I hope you will join me. Here is the link to Camille's Reece's Rainbow page :http://reecesrainbow.org/?s=camille . I know I rant and rave about the millions of orphans in this world all the time. I know I can't save them all (people are very kind to point that out). I know she is one tiny child in a sea of tiny children who will go to bed motherless tonight. Why am I now ranting and raving about this one girl? I don't know. All I know is she keeps me up at night. I have to do something. So, I am begging you - all 3 of you who read this blog! - to help me help Camille. Go to her page and donate if you can. Help her family bring her home. Pray for her, for her little body to stay strong, for her heart to feel God near. Then pass her along. Send her link to anyone you can think of who might be willing to help. She is alone and fatherless in a crib, and she has learned to expect nothing. I am surrounded by friends and family and am a daughter of the King of Kings, and I am expecting great things.

SADHD = sad head

2011-04-28T12:45:00.003-05:00

I want to share a little of what God has been telling me these few weeks since the retreat. When I got home I learned that I would have to be much more intentional about shutting out the other voices and seeking to hear from Him. But what followed was such peace. I began to soak up His presence. I was so excited to get into His word, and I realized how seldom I have read the Bible just to get to know more about my Saviour. So often, I am embarrassed to say, I would run to the word when I needed something - an answer, a healing, a sign. But now I run to the Word because that is where my Lord is waiting for me. No agenda but communion. No striving unless it is after my Jesus. I'm thinking I need to begin a personal study on the "rest" that is talked about in Hebrews 4. So often I feel burdened. I ache for the millions of children who go to bed tonight with no mommy to tuck them in, or I ache for the one child who grabs my heart and I pray. But Jesus said his yoke is easy and his burden is light. Perhaps I am carrying what should be His? Then in Galations Paul says we are to bear one another's burdens. How do we bear them? Is it right that I should lay awake at night wondering about these children, this child? Should I place them at the foot of the cross and say they are Jesus' responsibility, or has He asked me to be burdened on their behalf? If so, for what outcome? More action? More prayer? ...More Price kids? And then my SADHD (spiritual attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) kicks in and I am back striving, wondering - no, more like wandering. How I love Haiti. How I love orphans. How I love the kids at my church. How I love my family. HOW do all of these things fit together into ONE vision? Because sometimes I feel like an octopus with a hand in every direction, but going no where. And once again I am right back where I started. Be still. Be quiet. Shut out all but Jesus. Listen and wait. Because I see other people with a vision. One true vision statement. And they are able to move forward, and actually accomplish things. I am praying for the Heather Price, Inc. vision statement to fall from the heavens. And then I am praying for God to give me some serious side blinders so that I can move forward.

Retreat

2011-04-04T13:07:00.003-05:00

A week ago I went on a retreat. I go every year and look forward to this "date" with the Lord. I just get really quiet and soak Him in for a solid 24 hours, and I come home filled and renewed. This year was different. I went with no agenda. You know what I mean right? When you already have something in mind that you expect or want to hear from Him. Well, this year in the week leading up to the retreat all of my time with Him I was told to shut out all other things and just listen to Him. I needed to shut out all the other voices, and boy were there alot of them. Blogs, facebook, devotional books, sermons, friends, etc. None of them in and of themselves bad, but all of them crowding out the ONE voice I needed to hear. So, I promised the Lord that I would try to make everything else just hush for a while so I could hear from Him alone, and as if He knew I needed help He completely shut out all hearing from my right ear. I seriously couldn't hear anything out of it and my own voice in my head was crazy loud and my ear was ringing so it was very difficult to have a conversation. It was funny, but it also actually helped to remind me throughout the week that I needed to focus. And the Lord met me in such a powerful way. The Holy Spirit was working in a beautiful way. I felt overcome with gratitude in a new and precious way, for my salvation. And with no agenda of what I wanted to hear from God He had His way and spoke into my heart in ways I can't even put into words. I came home literally giddy over my saviour. Renewed in my desire to share Him with the world. I am keeping myself on a "blog fast" for a while so that I can just be with the Lord and listen for His guidance. He is working something out in me and I just want to be with Him. I may not be here for a while...

Plank Eye

2011-03-08T18:33:00.004-05:00

This morning before school Gabe had a massive flip out and started wacking my car with his lunch bag. Hard. Like swinging a baseball bat. And you're thinking, what horrible thing must've happened for him to resort to such a thing? Well, according to him we were late. Of course it was the same time we leave every morning so his feeling was completely an internal barometer that had no base in reality. Plus, Daniel and I had been sitting there ready to go for the past 20 minutes. We were waiting on Gabe. But once he was ready nothing happened fast enough. True to form this week I did NOT therapeutic parent him. I yelled. I grabbed him and physically made him stop. And all the way to school I lectured...loudly. As I pulled away from the school I began to pray. And almost before I got a word out God said, "What are you doing asking him to control his anger when you can't even control yours." Essentially, first take the log out of your own eye genius. Well, I don't know if he said the genius part, but maybe. I happen to think sarcasm is a gift from God so why wouldn't he use it on me? Anyhoo. He then began to point out that all week, the week in which I had totally dropped the therapeutic parenting ball, I had skipped my morning quiet time. How in the world, He asked, can you pour out my love if you haven't even gotten filled first? So, in the car on the way home I apologized, asked for forgiveness, and told them what God had said to me. They loved when I said God wanted me to control my anger first and I threw in a "busted" like they say when they get caught doing something wrong. I told them how I hadn't had my time with the Lord and I needed to get up and get filled with the Holy Spirit every morning. I reminded Gabe how we talked about getting better sometimes being hard work. I told him it is VERY hard for me to get out of bed early, but I am willing to do what is hard so that God can use me. At this point it was bordering on lecture again so I shut up. Gabe said he was sorry too. And I believe he was, but that won't stop him from doing it again. Such is the suckiness of trauma. But God is good. And even this neverending trial of a lifetime is a gift from Him. On that note you have to go read Katie: http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/.
I pray for the grace to keep saying "whatever" to God.

Sigh...

2011-03-07T15:47:00.002-05:00

Been dealing with lots of ugly around here. Our newest enemy is the green eyed monster. Gabe is so insanely jealous of his brother that Daniel can't even be in the same room without being verbally berated. Gabe hates everything about him all the way down to the way he breathes and the look on his face. I can therapeutic parent the crap out of alot of situations, but this one is kicking my butt. I am very protective of my sweet little D Hud. He is a precious little soul, but I see him changing under the weight of this abuse. And that makes me fighting, stinking, I might just have to go off on somebody MAD. How in the world do I show love and kindness to one child while they emotionally destroy another? For one thing I have decided to keep Daniel home for school next year. I will use those Gabe free hours to pour some love and encouragement into him. I will get to enjoy him and have fun without Gabe watching every little thing I do for him, keeping a score card of all that proof that I love Daniel more. It has gotten to the point where if they are both in the room I can't talk to either of them. I don't talk to Gabe because he is fuming and making mean faces at Daniel or berating him in some way. And I can't talk to Daniel because Gabe will use that as evidence of my "preferential treatment". For that reason I cherish my bedtime ritual with Daniel and Alena. I read to Daniel from The Jesus Storybook Bible (AWESOME BOOK , HIGHLY RECOMMEND) and then we talk about it and pray and snuggle. It is awesome and Gabe can't ruin it if he isn't there! I am sort of stuck on this one. I'll let you know if I get any revelation from God about how to handle this!

Believe

2011-03-02T12:24:00.002-05:00

What we believe is more powerful than we know. And sometimes it takes something big, sometimes even "rock your world" kind of big, to make us see that what we thought we believed and what we actually believe are not so much the same. I say that I believe that Gabe's brain suffered damage due to his prenatal and early infancy trauma. But, based on my parenting the past couple of days, I guess I really think that is a load of whooey. Because I have disciplined, lectured, griped, and complained as though he was in complete control and just wanted to be the bad bad boy he was. Apparently my foundation in this area is weak, and when rubber meets the road I cave and fall back on old habits and old belief systems. So, today I will spend some time reading, reflecting and re-learning what I already know to be true so that I can live in such a way that my belief is evident. And I believe that my son hates the way he is even more than I do, that if he could do better he would do better. I believe that he is hurting and scared in ways that I have been too blessed to know and that it is my job as his Mom to love, comfort and care for his aching heart. And most importantly, I believe that he loves me and I love him and WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS together.

And I just had to laugh as God whispered to my heart, "Does you life show others what you think you believe about me, or does it show them what you really believe about me?" Hmmm. Maybe today calls for some reading, reflecting, and re-learning what I know to be true about the Lord as well!

Invite Ugly For Dinner

2011-02-14T19:35:00.002-05:00

I hate to say this out loud, but I really can't stand it when people tell me they "have always wanted to adopt". Because one time I said, "I've always wanted to spend a week at the beach" and by golly I DID IT! It was awesome. I plan to do it again. I think what people really mean when they say this is, "I've always wanted to WANT to adopt" and truthfully that would be easier for me to hear. And the real kicker is that when they say this they are likely envisioning the fairy tale hallmark version of adoption portrayed in the lifetime original moving starring Tori Spelling. I'm only saying that because that is the version I thought I was signing up for. I had no idea what it would look like to bring trauma into our family. THANK GOODNESS! If I had known what I was signing up for I may have never done it. God knew what I needed to learn and He knew exactly which kids I needed to teach me. So, if people really only want to WANT to adopt and the adopt they are envisioning isn't even half a percent as hard as the actual thing then how in the big wide world are we suppposed to encourage people to step out in faith and actually do it? How can I say that adoption is the most grueling, gutwrenching, agonizingly difficult thing I have ever been a part of, but it is also the most beautiful, perfect, life affirming thing I have ever done? How do I explain to people what it means to parent a child permanently damaged by prenatal trauma and early childhood loss and grief? I find myself pulled in two directions. I am angry at adoption agencies that provide little training on trauma and attachment pre-adoption and little to no post adoption support. But where in the conversation in which I encourage someone to adopt do I insert the fact that your adopted child will likely throw things at you, curse you, threaten you and other family members, find every button you have and push it until you break or go insane, and in general sabotage every peaceful happy moment you have until they have proven to themselves or you have proven to them that you will still love them even after they do all that? It can't be my opener that's for sure! Fortunately with our little RADish we are on the path to healing. We are finally (having been his parents for 9 YEARS) beginning to see the real boy behind the fear, anger and shame that RAD had caused. So, I actually can say the good things about adoption because I finally am starting to believe them again myself. There were some dark years when I would've told anyone wanting to adopt to reconsider. It was only slightly humorous of God to ask ME to do it again smack in the middle of them. I can hear Jesus now. "Peter do you love me?" Thank you Lord for redemption. Constant, recurring, life-affirming redemption. But is it ever an ugly process. Hurt kids are hard to live with. You are inviting some serious ugly over for dinner if you welcome them into your home. All that stuff you won't let your kids watch on TV - well, these kids will live it out in full blown 3-D right in your living room. It is messy and dark and all out soul-sucking HARD work to help them heal. You have to let go of all the pictures you had in your head of the perfect family. Heck, forget perfect, you won't even be "normal". Other parents will be talking honor roll and sporting events and you will be shampooing the pee out of the carpets and getting quotes for replacement windows. And no, you don't have a puppy, and yes those holes are BB sized. But oh the JOY. Today my RAdlet came to me after a rage, snuggled up and hugged me and brought me a snack. A peace offering if you will. And when I realized that love was oozing out of me for this boy I nearly cried. There was a day when I was convinced I would never love this child. But here it was. Fierce, Mama Bear kind of love for this son of mine who I have fought for, cried over, prayed for, battled demons for. My son. My boy. Who loves me so much he's scared to death to let me see it. How do I tell you what this kind of love feels like? "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." When you adopt a child you are laying down your life. You won't like it. But it will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

FOCUS

2011-02-11T13:22:00.003-05:00

1. to bring into focus
2. to adjust the focal distance of (the eye, a lens etc.) in order to produce a clear image
3. to fix on one object or purpose; to concentrate

My life lacks focus at the moment. There have been times in my life when I felt it, felt God's gentle hands holding my squriming cheeks, directing my gaze, saying "look right here child, pay attention to this, it is so important to Me". I remember the passion, the attentive care I applied when I believed I was walking only just where he set my feet to walk. Such joy, knowing I was making my Heavenly Father happy. Such peace, believing that any bump on this particular path was meant for me, for my good, for my growth and shaping to become more like Him. Oh how I miss it. When did I let the other things crowd in? Could I even tell you what the "other things" are? I'm not sure. I only know that I feel like a blind man in outer space. No egdes to guide me. No sound to call me home. No comfort of feet on solid ground.

You hem me in behind and before; and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot contain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night" even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:7-12

And so as the Psalmist begged so shall I!

Search me O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and LEAD ME IN THE WAY EVERLASTING! Psalm 139:23-24

What did you eat today?

2011-01-27T12:34:00.002-05:00

The other night at bed time, which as all parents know is when the great questions get pulled out, I was wrangled into a conversation about pregnancy. My sister and her husband had come up earlier in a previous conversation and Gabe had asked me if I thought Aunt Emmy would ever be able to have kids. I didn't think much of it and just said, sure when they were ready they would probably have kids, they just didn't want to get pregnant right now. So as I tucked him in he asks, "how can you only get pregnant when you are ready?" (Insert long pause I tried to fill with much tucking and fluffing.) So, he continued, "cause Aunt Emmy is married so she could get pregnant any time." "Well, " I said, "in order to get pregnant you don't have to just be married. You have to do something." At this point I believe I am actually holding my breath. He says, "You mean like a special diet?"

Life as Ministry

2011-01-26T11:41:00.003-05:00

I've done alot of reading, soul searching and seeking the Lord over the past year (or so) about what it really means to actually DO what the Bible says. I gradually came to the realization that many people who claim the title "Christian" don't, in reality, take the words of the Bible or the commands in it very seriously. I also discovered that I was one of them. So I find myself trying to figure out what it looks like to die to self, take up your cross, and FOLLOW HIM. Well, I think it looks different for each person, but it boils down to motivation and end goals in my opinion.

If I live my life for me and my motivation is happiness, ease or comfort then I will choose my house, my job, my number of children, my spending habits based on exactly that. Many Christians do this without even thinking about it. They are just living. Haven't we all answered the questions, 'how many kids do you want?' or 'where do you want to live' or 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' We think we get to choose, and that "full-time ministry" is a calling for the few. (No not the proud, the humble.) But is it? Can you read Jesus' words and actually believe that any of us can escape full-time ministry? Can you take up your cross and simultaneously be devoted to dreams such as a nicer house, or a job with more prestige, or more leisure time and the toys with which to fill it? Well, I guess you then come to the question of the end you seek. Or maybe not even the end you seek, but the end you believe will be. The way I see it, if you truly believe that everything on this earth and in this life will be nothing and all you will have left is what you sent on to Heaven, then WHY IN THE WORLD would you seek after these things? And if you believe that you truly are eternal and will be spending your eternity in the presence of the Creator God who formed you out of nothing and loved you enough to send His son to die for you, and asked of you some very specific things, then WHY IN THE WORLD would you avoid those things in favor of momentary comfort?
So I have decided that I AM IN full time ministry. If I am going to die to self and live for Christ as Paul says we are called to do, then my life is not mine to choose. Things start to look very different when you realize that your life is your ministry. Decision making becomes more prayerful and less analytical. Whether I want something holds no weight. Whether I feel able holds no weight. Whether happiness follows holds no weight. The ONLY factor that holds weight is the will of my Heavenly Father. He gets to decide. It is simultaeously utterly terrifying and utterly freeing. My present definition of faith is choosing to see it as utterly freeing.

Contentment

2011-01-01T11:08:00.002-05:00

If I had to sum up what 2010 brought for me it would be contentment. The year I stopped striving for I don't even know what and finally looked around and saw with fresh eyes what God is doing right in front of me. It's strange because after the earthquake I was so broken and sad and guilt ridden. I wanted to be in Haiti and I had this sort of sick jealousy that those who were there are now part of a brotherhood of suffering that I will never know. And I gieved the loss of the only Haiti I knew. My dreams of taking Daniel to St. Josephs and showing him the room we slept in when we finally held him in our arms, of taking him to the chapel on the roof where I held him and wept and cried wordless prayers of praise and gratitude, of walking the streets and seeing the places familiar to my heart, those dreams were gone. And for a while were replaced by nightmares of what could've happened to his family, to the countless others I have loved there. I thought of the children who stole my heart and how I may never know if they lived. Sweet Johnson and his sisters. All these years later I still ache for that boy, and he was first in my heart when disaster struck. Does he live today?

So, how did the contentment come? I'm not sure except to say that through my wrestling and arguing with the Lord He didn't chastise me. He only somehow unveiled my eyes. He gave me a vision for the ministry right in front of me. And the year of contenment was topped off with the most blessed Christmas we have ever had. We throttled back our checking account giving and tried to point our children toward worship instead. And despite my fears of rebellion and mutiny my kids blessed my socks off. Christmas Eve we worshiped at church and I watched my kids love on Bean's birth mom. At home all snuggly in jammies they gathered around Jason as he read the story of Jesus' birth. My sweet little Daniel pondered the theology of grace vs. works in his precious six year old way. "But mom, I'm confused how that works about going to heaven."
"Well, honey remember when you asked Jesus to come and be Lord of your life and promised to love and obey him?"
"Yeah, but I did lots of bad stuff again."

Oh my heart. The joy of eternal salvation swept over me fresh and new as I was able to say to my son that when God looks at him he sees perfection in Jesus and nothing could keep Him from bringing you to heaven with him. His wide moist eyes said it all. May we all feel that gratefullness and may it never become mundane.

Christmas morning, for the first time in my memory, before presents were opened my children were glad to retrieve our baby Jesus from his treasure box and place him lovingly in the manger of our nativity. And I saw them, all four of them, pause and ponder. A moment, that lasted perhaps seconds, will live forever in my Mother Heart as I continue in 2011 to nurture in them that sense of awe and wonder at a Saviour who came and died.

Jesus Was a Liberal

2010-12-23T19:23:00.001-05:00

The Colbert Report

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March to Keep Fear Alive

So, Are You Done?

2010-12-15T10:21:00.004-05:00

If I had a nickel for everytime I've answered that question I would have, well, atleast 25 cents. But I get the feeling only a small percentage of people who are thinking it actually say it out loud. When Jason got the big "V" when Sydney was one I remember looking at my two girls and thinking that if we had to be done I could be content. Of course we had adoption in our sights so we soon after brought Gabe home. Then we not only got asked if we were done, but we said "yes" everytime, and quite emphatically I might add. When God sent us to Haiti for Daniel I was simultaneously convinced He was doing something redemptive and scared out of my ever lovin' mind that I would fall flat on my face (in a puddle of my own tears, in a corner, in the bathroom). Don't laugh. My doubt came from experience. I had visited that corner before. Gabe's adoption ushered in the spiritually darkest time of my life. After he came home I sank into a depression that threatened to destroy me. It is really the only time in my life that I felt truly abandoned by the Lord. I would call to Him desperate for relief and only silence followed. I was sinking. It was the scariest version of getting out of the boat and then seeing the storm that I personally have lived. Looking back on that time is still painful. I can very vividly remember those feelings, and yet I can also see now how God was lovingly carrying me, putting churches in place, putting distance from home and a very simplified life in place. Basically stripping any source of comfort I might have had apart from him. So painful and yet so loving of Him to give me no choice. You can understand then why the thought of another even more emotionally trying international adoption was a bit unnerving. When nothing but sheer bliss followed Daniel's homecoming I was able to praise God with a gratefulness I couldn't have known without experiencing the opposite. and this time when we got the "done" question we just laughed and shrugged.

We were finally beginning to understand. It's not about us. It's not about what we can handle, or what is financially prudent, or what we pictured as our perfect family, or, or, or.... And it most certainly is not about being "done". Our sweet little Bean is my daily reminder that being done only means less love, less blessing, less joy. Each child and the way they join our family teaches me more about God's grace, His goodness, His mercy, His sovereignty. Why would I ever want to be done with learning more about my Father, being drawn closer to His heart and what is dear to Him? One day the last child to enter our home will be the last. It may even be today. But I have stopped seeking that day as though it were a finish line. May we never wish for done. And may done with this only mean we are on to other even more beautiful things.

Why Me?

2010-10-28T10:41:00.002-05:00

Not the "oh woe is me" why me. The "holy cow I've got it good" why me. Why do I get this life. I think about this alot. Where I was born, who raised me, who I married, my kids, my house, my life - all really really over the top awesome. Don't get me wrong - we have issues. But when I step back and look at my life I just want to jump up and down giddy over the fact that God gave all of this to me. I have never gone a day without eating. I have a roof and an AWESOMELY comfy bed. Oh I love my bed. It could actually be a little sinful how I look forward to climbing in and sinking down into the squishy goodness...but I digress. My kids are all going to school, I can take them to the doctor whenever I want, I have a church family that I adore, and I'm pretty sure they love me right back(: I have all I could ever want and more. WHY? Well, the other day I remembered this time when I had ONE package of sidewalk chalk for the boys. I knew if I said it was for both of them that G would somehow manipulate D into surrendering it all to him and then he would hoard it. I'm not saying that to be mean - it's part of his illness. It is what it is. And for that reason I certainly couldn't say it was G's. So, I said it was for Daniel. Why? Because I knew he would gladly share it with his brother. And he did. Hmmmm.....

Sweet Moments

2010-10-24T21:00:00.002-05:00

I have to admit I never thought I would have 5 kids. I thought foR a while we were done at 2, and then again at 3, and after 4 I thought we surely we're done. Only crazy people have more than that. But Jesus has a funny way of pointing you in the direction of crazy and saying, "alright now, move along". It could be walking on water, picking up and leaving the only home you've ever known, submitting yourself to jailings or tortures, or in our case, signing up to be foster parents. It was one of my "nevers" from back when I was dumb enough to have them. Just like I would "never" homeschool, and I would "never" cut all my hair off. Anway, I digress. I just have to share with you some sweet moments that could really only happen in a big family. Last Saturday I had put Baby Bean down for her nap, and quick ran to the bathroom cause that is the only time I get to go. I could hear her crying, which was odd cause she usually goes right to sleep, but I was a little busy. Then the crying stopped and I thought oh good she fell asleep. When I was done I went to check on her and from the hall I could hear Daniel, "I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them sam I am ." and I peak in and see Daniel sitting beside her crib on an overturned toy bin reading to her. She was sitting up and completely enthralled. It was adorable. The other one is Bean's morning hugs. Every Saturday or Sunday morning Bean and I are the first ones up. She eats, and I drink coffee until the next person thumps down the stairs. She immediately runs to them and hugs them this long drawn out sweet hug as if to say man I missed you and I love you so much. When she is done she is done, but we all savor it while it lasts. She continues this little ritual until every person in the family has gotten their morning hug. Makes for a sweet start to your day I tell ya!

I'm Lame, supplements are not.

2010-09-27T20:44:00.002-05:00

I would like to delete the previous post. It is self indulgent and preachy - two things I hate. But it is where I was in that moment so I will leave it in the name of transparency - one thing I love.

I wanted to give a bit of an update on G and his supplements. The problem is, everytime I thought we had hit a huge milestone of DWF (days without fits) he would explode like crazy worse than ever. And that has sort of been the trend. Here is my non-scientific, eyes of a Mother, take on what is happening. I think they are helping to stabilize his mood. They are taking the edge off of what was probably a chemical imbalance that is now normalizing. Rages are still happening, in my opinion, for two main reasons. First is habit. He is used to dealing with things this way. And he can allow it to happen as a matter of choice even if chemically he should be able to cope in another way. These rages are easy to spot because they are sporadic and he will be completely lucid and in his "thinking brain" if you engage him. The second is attachment disorder. These are the really bad ones. They are the ones that he cannot stop and neither can we. They come when he feels shame - he did something wrong and got caught, he thinks we hate him, he hates himself etc etc. These are long, and loud and usually end in something being broken (not the least of which is my heart). These are the ones that attachment parenting can help, but it is a long road to healing. We are learning how to calm him, trying new things. The great thing about these supplements is that when he is not raging he is way more often acting like a regular kid. The fake, babyish, weird, socially inappropriate, odd stuff that we are so used to dealing with is starting to fade, and so it is so much easier to fill the black hole of emotional need. Cause, occasionally now we actually like the kid! So, basically I think they are absolutely helping to atleast peel away one of the many layers of crazy we are dealing with.

May

2010-09-21T12:14:00.002-05:00

Several years ago I read "The Secret Life of Bees". There's this odd character in it named May. She's ...well, different. Fragile. Special. In almost every scene May must run away, to her crying wall. You see, May feels things more deeply. When she thought someone else was sad she took that sadness as her own. She cried and cried at her wall as she stuck their pain between it's cracks. When another character was presumed dead it was too much. May took her own life. The pain literally killed her.

Sometimes I feel like May. And I imagine all the characters in my life, still sitting around the kitchen table after I run away crying thinking, poor Heather. Poor naive girl. She wants to change the world. She thinks she can change the world. Or, she thinks she should change the world. Or she thinks she must change the world. But they would be wrong. I don't think any of those things.

My Dad thinks I do or think a certain way out of guilt. He's wrong. I don't feel guilty because I get to eat today. But while I am eating I can see a hungry child in my mind, that hasn't eaten for months and his body has begun to decay from the effects of kwashiorkor. I know he is in pain because his skin is cracking and bleeding and his is eating himself from the inside out. I want to hold him and comfort him and feed him. I don't feel guilty because I have a house, but it does remind me of the 100's of thousands still living in tent cities since the earthquake in Haiti. Don't you see, guilt has nothing to do with it! And it is cheap and belittling to think it does. People are hurting in this world. And I feel it. All. The Time. I see them trying to hold out the rain and mud from their tent while their baby cries because she is hungry and hot. If I close my eyes I can instantly be in a hospital in Cite Soleil watching a young first time mother labor alone on a blood covered floor. She is scared and in pain and no one has time or resources to help her because she is one of many who scream and labor and bleed. I feel THEM. Do you get the difference? I don't feel guilt. What a waste of energy. I feel the people, their humanity. When I read about an AIDS orphan dying alone and scared in an African orphanage there is no time for guilt. I feel outrage. I cry for him. I pray for him. I want to go to him. What if it was Daniel? What if Jason and I had already died of the disease and now he lay wasting away with no one to advocate for him? What good would guilt do??? No seriously. I'm asking y0u? Guilt, in my opinion, is an American luxury. And if you are indulging in it then you are wasting precious energy and resources. We have no time for guilt people. Stop feeling guilty and start feeling.

Love My Husband

2010-09-14T09:47:00.003-05:00

Part of me loves him for doing what I would've wanted to do - chuck the football! But mostly I love him for taking the brunt of the rage that ensued. It was another half hour after my last post that G finally came back to reality. Jason stayed with him the whole time. In the end G apologized and so did J. I find the ability to parent a RAD kid very hot ;-) While J was with G, I was with the others reminding them that this was part of G's disability and talking about how one day this would be a funny story to tell. 'Hey remember that time G lost it and Dad threw his football into the woods?" Hehe(: On the agenda for tonight is a football hunting party...

This morning G was in penitent mode - got up and ready in record time, made me a "gift" (a paper cut out snowflake) which is his way of apologizing to me. I am thankful. Lots of RAD moms never get this part - they just keep getting the rages over and over and over and... I will take this any day. God is good to me, and I will keep looking to Him to fill me with His love so I can pour it out to this crazy crew of mine.

So close, so close and yet so far

2010-09-13T20:13:00.002-05:00

After a quiet day with the kids at school they all came home and did homework without much ado. We had dinner and prepared to head out to the talent show in which the girls would sing one of their original songs and play guitar. As we prepared to head out I envisioned G making the night miserable. His jealousy over his sisters doing something well and getting accolades would surely rear its ugly head. His fidgeting during performances would likely be embarrassing. He would somehow, someway mess this up. I was a bit nervous. Thankfully Daddy stayed outside and played football with him while the boring PTA portion of the evening was going on and then they stepped in for the performances. All went well. The girls were amazing and beautiful and made me so stinkin' proud I could've popped. Everyone was coming up to them after to say what a great job they did and my heart swelled. I watched them graciously accept the praise and then quickly tell the other performershow wonderful they were. I silently thanked God for the precious gift of being their mom. G hung in there. In the parking lot we almost lost him when he fell off the car bumper and I chuckled (what? it was funny) as I said, "You ok bud?" He stormed off yelling that he hated me. Silly me, I know you can't laugh in the presence of a Radlet without their explicit permission. We loaded the crew and I went around the front whee G was sulking and said I was sorry. That I was not trying to be mean, it just looked a little funny. He smiled and Daddy offered to let him climb in by way of the sunroof. These are the silly things you do to get un-stuck. Thanks Corey for reminding me of Christine's videos. I watched several this afternoon! So, we were back on track! Everyone was happy and we decided to get ice-ream before heading home. Since we live in the only known mecca of trailers in parking lots serving treats we chose one of those figuring we couldn't break anything in a parking lot. We ordered ice cream. The boys threw the football. It was genuinely fun. Baby Girl sucked from a straw for the first time and was mad, crazy in love with Daddy's peanut butter shake. Good times had by all. As we walked back to the car I thought, wow a whole day without a melt down rage fest. A fun day. A family day where we were all together and things didn't fall apart. Yes, we're making progress. I can feel it. Dare I hope? Ahhh(:

Then the S**T hit the fan. Something (Lord only knows what!) happened in the backseat. G threw a football at D and D threw it back and hit him in the face - my best guess based on a compilation of eye witness accounts. G loses it completely starts yelling he hates everyone, kicking, screaming, head banging and WHOOSH a football goes flying past my head (as I am driving mind you). Daddy says, "What was that?" and as he finds it and realizes what just happened tossed it into the woods we were driving by. Whoops. Now if you have a Radlet you know that all hell will proceed to break loose. This was an hour ago and Daddy is still upstairs trying to calm a raging bull. I'm guessing Daddy may be regretting the ball toss, and G may even be regretting the ball toss. All moot point. The ball is gone. G is not OK with that. We will now suffer.

And so, I come to the familiar place of sadness when I had briefly let myself feel happy, normal, content, relaxed, and the rug was pulled out from under me. I hate this roller caoster that is my life. Some days I am good at bending my knees and remaining steady with the bumps, but today I got caught off guard. I leaned in and rested for a while and I got thrown off the freakin' track. Now how do I get back to a peaceful place before morning so I don't hold a big old grudge for him screwing everything up again? I guess I'm off to pray...

So. Close.

Retreat

2010-09-13T08:47:00.003-05:00

I spent the most glorious day at the beach on Saturday. I took a little mommy getaway for the weekend. I sat in the sand and read from my new Kindle. I walked in the water. I felt the cool breeze and soaked in the warm sun. It was awesome. Even better was the realization that after about 24 hours of "me time" I am bored to tears and miss my kids like crazy. Thank goodness. It is so nice to confirm in my own heart and mind that I am exactly where I need to be doing exactly what I need to be doing. I love being a Mom. Even to G. It's nice to remember that.

Can't Hold It In....

2010-09-08T10:06:00.004-05:00

any longer!!!!!

I have been stalling, delaying, waiting for paperwork and lawyers and courts, but I just can't wait anymore. I have to officially tell you our news.

This adorable, ornery, stubborn, delightfully loving red head is officially going to be #5. I can't believe how lucky I am to get to be this childs Mama.

She oozes love and joy from her pores. God is so good to us.

Low and Highs

2010-09-03T10:28:00.003-05:00

Went to the PTA meeting last night and spoke with G's teacher. She said that G told her he didn't have time for homework because of church. I said I knew he would try that. Thankfully because she got my email she let him feel the consequences. Yesterday he was very eager to do his homework. She said, "well maybe that's all it took". I didn't have the heart to burst her bubble and just said, "I'll keep in close email contact with you." It's always fun to catch your child in a lie with his teacher right? Good times. I think I should scrapbook this moment. Do you think they have stickers for it?

On the flip side M and S tried out for the school talent show yesterday afternoon singing one of their original songs and playing guitar. The choir teacher came over to my car when I picked them up and gushed on and on about how talented they were. The girls were beaming. It was so cute. I think they have always heard how great they are from us, but you know, we have to say that cause we're family. But when adored choir director says it, it becomes a huge deal(: They are pretty special.

AND the baby had her appointment with the devopmental neurologist yesterday and she was the closest she's ever been to on target developmentally. She is 18 mos old and has some 15 mo. skills. She continues to wow the doctors. From blind and unresponsive to the absolute light of our lives. God has big plans for this girl, and lucky for us we get to watch it unfold!

2010-09-02T12:59:00.005-05:00

Yesterday G refused to do his homework. I offered for TWO HOURS to help him, but no go. I reminded him we had church and I would be going to bed when we got home so I would be unavailable to help at that time. He said fine, he wasn't doing it. When Daddy got home he again was offered help and refused and again stated that he had decided that he wasn't doing it. I reminded him very clearly that whether it was done or not he did still have to go to school. He said he understood. All RAD moms are laughing at this point.

This morning he came down and went to the dining room table and started to work on it. I was nice. I let him and I brought him breakfast, but reminded him that we had to leave on time and so when (not if) it wasn't all done and we had to leave he should not pitch a fit.

He did.

Shocking I know. I should be so used to this by now. But sometimes his crazy is even crazier than I thought. As I ordered him out of the car and into school he was telling me how everything was all my fault and I never help him with anything and I am so mean yada yada yada. He got out crying and giving me the look of death. When I got home from morning appointments he was on the machine asking me to pick him up - I think. He was mumbling, probably so the adults around him couldn't hear that his excuse to call home was lame-ola. I sat down and typed an email to his teacher explaining that he had many chances to get his work done and whatever excuse he may have given her was a lie. What a fun email to write. Wonder what that teacher is thinking right now? I have to leave in 30 minutes to pick up the kids. I am praying for God to give me some beautiful pearl of wisdom on how to proceed with this kid. So. over. it.

I dread seeing the people at school. I have to remind myself that my child does not define me. I am a nice person. I am a good mom. It is not my job to prove this to others, just to be me and do the best I can. Thank the Lord for the other 4 - they prove we are atleast capable of raising reasonably normal children! I'm off...

Mirror

2010-09-01T11:18:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it is good to see our own sin. I needed to see mine. Recently God has taken me down a little "what if..." trail and I followed him (even though I don't believe in hypothetical situations cause it's like lying to your brain.).

Well, I sort of followed Him. A couple of times he had to grab my hand and walk me over a fallen tree or help me wade some rough waters, but basically I went along. But it was hard, and it was PRETEND! So then I sat down with myself and studied my sinfulness. Which parts were hard to accept about the trail and why? Where did I lack faith? What if I had to walk that trail for real?? I'm a sinful, broken and selfish person and I am so thankful for the cross today. I don't want my faith to be hypothetical. I want it to be real. I want it to be so poweful that it could carry down that trail. Please Lord. I believe, but help my unbelief.

Data Points

2010-08-30T09:17:00.004-05:00

My husband is an engineer. No stop, that wasn't a cry for help. I'm just prefacing. He judges everything in data points. No emotion, no subjectivity. (Atleast he thinks) So since we started this new supplement regimen for G he is always looking for data points. He (G, not my husband)got up on Sunday, got ready for church got in the car and endured two services with zero rages - data point. He watched me take 3 other kids to Target to spend their money and didn't once try to stop or sabotage it and then proceeded to NOT ask me if I got him anything when we came home. Data point. Last night he wouldn't go to sleep - was goofing and keeping his brother up. I moved D into our room and G proceeded to scream at us from upstairs for the next hour - yep HOUR. Data point. This morning woke up foul still steaming about last night (G, not me!) and started to sabotage the morning. Managed to get dressed and come downstairs anyway. Started breakfast and I put his vitamins in front of him (I blend them into OJ). He said he wasn't going to drink it. I mentioned his attitude has been so great lately and he seems truly happier and didn't he want to see if this could help keep that going. He said, "yeah but last night I was a jerk." Instead of saying "YEP, Jerko Supremo!" I said, "yeah, but that was one time in the middle of a bunch of really good days." He ate, drank, and chatted happily the rest of the morning. Got his stuff and headed off with a smile. DATA POINT!

Drugs, herbs, vitamins

2010-08-27T10:42:00.002-05:00

Since Corey asked and I was just preparing to write on this...yes, we have started him on Niacin. We started it two weeks ago and have stayed at 500mg/day so far. We have noticed some improvement in the rage department, but we have seen good "spells" like this before so I am holding out judgement for now. At the advice of a local developmental pediatrician that specializes in treating autism and other similar neurological issues we have also started him on a supplement that is a combination of magnesium, zinc, 5HTP and a bunch of herbs that are supposed to ease anxiety and help with depression. Again, we do see improvement, but we'll see how long it lasts...

I have been trying to get an appointment with our local Psychiatric Clinic for 2 months now - it is unfuriating. They are so po dunk. If you aren't from the south that means - we live in a small town where people are used to not having stuff or services so when they are offered it is at the discretion of the offerer knowing that there are no other options so you will put up with their poor customer service and be grateful for whatever you get. Atleast, that's what it meant in this particular case in my sentence. I truly believe G needs something for his anxiety. He is a total basket case about EVERYTHING! It is only since his attachment has grown that he has been able to verbalize how extremely stressed he is about everything. He is starting to trust that we will do what we can to help. That is good, but also very exhausting because sometimes there is nothing we can do - we can't make school disappear for example. And then his attachment rage rears its ugly head because if we really loved him then doggone it we would figure out a way to fix this! It's a process. So, we are trying these supplements in the hopes that they will help his damaged little brain heal and figure out a way to just do normal things like get dressed and brush your teeth without melting into a puddle on the floor because it is so everwhelming and will take sooo looong and then everything fun will be over and life is so horrible and you wish you were never born and everything is ruined and why does everything have to be so hard and on and on and on...... And my therapeutic mommy brain is doing everything in its power to avoid saying something super smart like, "Just brush your freakin' teeth already." and is instead searching for something loving and supportive like, "can I help you? why don't I hold the tooth brush while you jump up and down" - insert smile and hope for levity and not an escalation - and pray for God to please help this child.

So, yeah we'll try Niacin and all that other stuff and whatever else we can get our hands on(:

One week down

2010-08-27T07:12:00.002-05:00

Just sent the kids off to school for the last day of the first week. We did it. G was seriously working it this morning to get to stay home, but he clearly does not comprehend how gloriously quiet it is around here when he is gone! Mama WILL DO whatever it takes to get you out the door. I did notice something though. Since he stalled so long he was of course still frantically getting his stuff together as Daddy waited in the driveway. He couldn't find his clarinet. We searched and searched, but no luck. Normally at this point a full blown rage would be ensuing and he would be trapped with the reality that going without it meant trouble and not going meant trouble and these are the rock and a hard place scenarios that his brain just. cannot. deal . with! I said I would find it and drop it at school for him. And guess what - he said ok and told me his case was by the door....and he left! Got in the car! No screaming! This tells me two things. One, his frustration tolerance is improving. Two, he trusted me to actually bring it to school - which I did with wet hair and no makeup and baby in the car still in jammies(:

I will choose to focus on this and not on the pre-homework meltdown we all endured yesterday afternoon.

First Day Of School

2010-08-26T11:48:00.004-05:00

My two middle schoolers and my gorgeous first grader. Looks great....but where's G? Oh, I remember - he was sulking and tired and moody. He will NEVER figure out his locker. EVERYONE in his class is a bully - he heard from a very reliable source not to be named. He is TIRED, perhaps because he was up til 11:00 tossing and fretting and screaming about aforementioned fears.

Well, maybe we can just sub someone in for him. Where's the baby? There you go.

Hmm, not working. She doesn't want to go to school. She wants breakfast. D is not amused. Two middle schoolers still trying to pull it off. Oh wait, here comes G.

Not sure which is less attractive. A one year old acting like a,...well...a one year old or a nine year old acting like a two year old. D is over it. Two middle schoolers discuss how cute and naive it was of Mom to think she could make this happen.

The good news is that everyone walked out the door without a complete and total meltdown, and by 'everyone' I mean G. And 'everyone' also got out of the car and walked into the school.

And everyone came home still in one piece, mastery of lockers and lunch rooms and making of new friends accomplished. Shew!

What Summer?

2010-08-13T13:32:00.003-05:00

I cannot believe the kids are back to school in a week! This summer has been so busy and hectic I actually think that school will be quite a nice break. For me anyway! Until I have to put out a science project and stick my kids name on it, but that won't happen til around January. I have been spending time doing all sorts of fun stuff like going to allergy clinics for Gabe, PT, OT, and Speech for the baby, and orthodontics for Madeline and Sydney. Thank goodness Daniel is healthy!! We did hit the beach again for a week back in June with our all time best friends the Jacksons, but that seems like a lifetime ago. Here is a link to our beach slideshow. The song has zero meaning except that everytime we turned on the radio while we were there it was playing. Became sort of a running joke. Tomorrow we are off for four days in Williamsburg at my parents time share. Our last hurrah before school begins. Once the kids are back in school and I have time to talk I have so much to share(: Til then...

Small Steps, Big Happy

2010-05-31T12:40:00.002-05:00

I've always said that one of the things I have grown to love about fostering special needs kids is the joy in the simple things. When your son with a cleft palate learns to pronounce "goal" or to drink from a straw you celebrate because you know he worked so very hard to get there. When your daughter with CP/microcephaly picks up a pizza crust and takes her first bite you cheer because she tried a million times before she got it. Special needs mean special victories, and they cause you to appreciate the mundane and see it as beautiful. I am learning to do this for my RADlet. I am (finally) convinced that his behaviour is caused by brain damage. We may never know how or why or from what, but nonetheless it happened. He CANNOT process things like other kids. So, when I get a not-fake smile from him I melt. When he not-fake offers to help or a hug I thank God that he is healing. When I see glimpses of the real true boy under all the pain and anger I am reminded how very much I love him and I'm thankful I fought for him. And I will continue to fight.

Revelation

2010-03-08T19:16:00.003-05:00

I had a revelation the other day. At Katie's request (from over at The Journey), I was listening to one of the sermons by David Platt in his radical series. He was talking about how we have to love God in a superior way. Yes, we love people, our family, etc. but our love for them should be so puny in comparison to our love for the Lord. I don't know if this happens to you, but at this point although I was still listening to the sermon it was like God was preaching an entirely different one in my head. I started thinking about Haiti. I know, shocking. I thought about my trips to visit, and how I felt so alive and at peace when I was there. I thought about how I would cry every time the plane took off from Port Au Prince, how I would feel so homesick back in my pleasant suburban home. I would pour over my pictures and soak in the faces and scour youtube for video. A few brief seconds of creole or a rooster crowing above honking tap taps would bring a smile as I closed my eyes and pretended to be there. I could will myself to smell the burning trash, the fresh mango, the sweat. There has never been a doubt. I.Love.Haiti. I don't even know why really. I just am happiest when I am there. In the months and years after my time there I begged God to send us to Haiti. Naively to be sure, but sincerely nonetheless. I watched the Livesay's go, and I was jealous. I knew God would tell Jason if we were meant to go, but it never happened. At this point in God's little sermonette to me he simply says, "so, Heather, did I ever tell you to go to Haiti full time?" I knew the answer was no. I knew that the desire to go had always been about me. I wasn't wanting to go in obedience. I just wanted to be there. I loved Haiti. I loved the Haitian people. I loved how I felt when I was in Haiti. I. I. I. I. And God said that I had to love HIM more than I loved Haiti. Maybe, for me, the sacrifice to God was NOT going. Maybe for me, the sacrifice to God was staying in suburbia. Is that weird to anyone else? Well, it was for me too until I found that my ministry is RIGHT.HERE. More on that in my next post...

Maybe win a necklace+definitely help Haiti=Win Win

2010-03-05T15:45:00.001-05:00

http://junkposse.blogspot.com/2010/02/heart-for-haiti-necklace-giveaway.html

BAD BAD UNICEF

2010-01-30T14:40:00.001-05:00

http://www.thehowertons.blogspot.com/2010/01/prayers-for-ronel.html

LIVESAY'S NEED NURSES!!!!

2010-01-23T19:27:00.000-05:00

http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/2010/01/off-we-go-again.html

Heartline Update

2010-01-16T09:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Heather,
We have a need for medical personel. See John's blog below

January 15, 7:34 PM
It has been a busy day as I have been out and about and trying to look after the various efforts of Heartline Ministries here in Haiti.
We as a group did meet this morning and we have decided to go ahead and on Monday open up a clinic to treat those who have yet to have their wounds and injuries cared for. I spoke to a couple of guys that live in the inner city area where our midwives go and they told me that there are still many just in his area that have not been treated. He as well told me that many of the bodies of those who have died are now just being discovered and that they are being placed in an empty field.
The plan then is for long time friend Dr. Tom McKnight from Niceville, Florida to arrive Sunday on an airplane coming in with doctors. He is bringing with him supplies and money to help purchase other supplies. We as well will gather as many supplies as possible and with other medical personnel treat those who have been injured in the earthquake. The clinic will be open 7/24 but we as yet are not certain of how many weeks we will run the clinic.
We are especially looking for those who have expertise in treating wounds and trauma. We expect to see broken bones and infected wounds and injuries due to being hit by cement blocks. If you are at all interested, please e-mail me and I will put you in touch with our contact person who in coordinating this effort in the States.
Our biggest concern is our ability to stay stocked up on the medical supplies that we will need. We as well have concern about how we can keep the electricity on as we have no city power and getting diesel for the generator is at this time not possible. Yet today when we met we sang, prayed, read God's word and talked and all were in agreement that we should do this. And so we have started to get the women's center ready and we will work feverishly to make this happen.
We can really use your financial help as we add this outreach to what we are already doing. You can donate by pressing here. THANK YOU FOR YOUR GENEROSITY!!!

We also have moved the children and nannies to the girls' home, which is the most secure of the two houses.

NOT GOOD NEWS

I, a couple of days ago, wrote about our friend Patrick who was trapped for 18 hours under or inside his house that had collapsed on him. Well both he and his wife, Barb were able to make it to the States where Barb had her leg amputated below the knee and where Patrick had his arm amputated. Patrick is now is serious condition with a collapsed lung and kidney failure. PLEASE PRAY!!!

THE STENCH OF DEATH

Today I was downtown and was amazed at the damage done to some of the government buildings and especially the National Palace. And clearly the stench of death permeated the air.

STARTING TO REBUILD

Today, even though we do not have a lot of cash to work with we were able to get 150 sacks or 6 tons of cement, and a couple hundred bars of steel and some other material for rebuilding the walls of the creches. We will need 3000 cement blocks and truck loads of sand and gravel, which we are not able to get yet as they are not available. We still have not been able to remove the debris which is spread across our street as there are no trucks available to haul it away. I was able to get the materials from a place near us where the owners, that I know well said, "John even if you had money we wouldn't take it; pay us in a couple of week." I am very grateful for their generosity.

Rubble from one of our broken walls

Dear Heather,
We have a need for medical personel. See John's blog below

January 15, 7:34 PM
It has been a busy day as I have been out and about and trying to look after the various efforts of Heartline Ministries here in Haiti.
We as a group did meet this morning and we have decided to go ahead and on Monday open up a clinic to treat those who have yet to have their wounds and injuries cared for. I spoke to a couple of guys that live in the inner city area where our midwives go and they told me that there are still many just in his area that have not been treated. He as well told me that many of the bodies of those who have died are now just being discovered and that they are being placed in an empty field.
The plan then is for long time friend Dr. Tom McKnight from Niceville, Florida to arrive Sunday on an airplane coming in with doctors. He is bringing with him supplies and money to help purchase other supplies. We as well will gather as many supplies as possible and with other medical personnel treat those who have been injured in the earthquake. The clinic will be open 7/24 but we as yet are not certain of how many weeks we will run the clinic.
We are especially looking for those who have expertise in treating wounds and trauma. We expect to see broken bones and infected wounds and injuries due to being hit by cement blocks. If you are at all interested, please e-mail me and I will put you in touch with our contact person who in coordinating this effort in the States.
Our biggest concern is our ability to stay stocked up on the medical supplies that we will need. We as well have concern about how we can keep the electricity on as we have no city power and getting diesel for the generator is at this time not possible. Yet today when we met we sang, prayed, read God's word and talked and all were in agreement that we should do this. And so we have started to get the women's center ready and we will work feverishly to make this happen.
We can really use your financial help as we add this outreach to what we are already doing. You can donate by pressing here. THANK YOU FOR YOUR GENEROSITY!!!

We also have moved the children and nannies to the girls' home, which is the most secure of the two houses.

NOT GOOD NEWS

I, a couple of days ago, wrote about our friend Patrick who was trapped for 18 hours under or inside his house that had collapsed on him. Well both he and his wife, Barb were able to make it to the States where Barb had her leg amputated below the knee and where Patrick had his arm amputated. Patrick is now is serious condition with a collapsed lung and kidney failure. PLEASE PRAY!!!

THE STENCH OF DEATH

Today I was downtown and was amazed at the damage done to some of the government buildings and especially the National Palace. And clearly the stench of death permeated the air.

STARTING TO REBUILD

Today, even though we do not have a lot of cash to work with we were able to get 150 sacks or 6 tons of cement, and a couple hundred bars of steel and some other material for rebuilding the walls of the creches. We will need 3000 cement blocks and truck loads of sand and gravel, which we are not able to get yet as they are not available. We still have not been able to remove the debris which is spread across our street as there are no trucks available to haul it away. I was able to get the materials from a place near us where the owners, that I know well said, "John even if you had money we wouldn't take it; pay us in a couple of week." I am very grateful for their generosity.

We hope by next week to stat to actually rebuild the wall. This is dependent on our being able to have the rubble hauled away and if we can buy sand and rocks.

Your prayers and support do matter and Heartline is making a difference!

Heartline Update - PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN!

2010-01-15T17:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Heather,
You are receiving this newsletter as a supporter of Heartline Ministries. The board held an emergency meeting today to determine what steps need to be taken due to the enourmous needs created by the earthquake. We have had so many requests for help we wanted to clarify what we need.

First of all, we need prayer for Haiti and for safety of our people in Haiti.

Second, we are in great need of finances. Currently we have raised approximately $90,000 of earthquake relief funds. We are estimating that we will need around $200,000 to rebuild our facilities and help our workers rebuild their homes. Already the flow of donations has slowed down. We recognize that it will take more people knowing our need than our small base of supporters. We are asking each of you to spread the news of our need by forwarding this email and the information at left to as many people as possible.

For those that don't know, 100% of all funds that come in to Heartline Ministries are spent in Haiti. All state side expenses for administration are provided and performed by various individuals free of charge. The earthquake donations will go 100% to recovery and rebuilding. You can locate our financial information, tax returns and tax exempt information at our Financials and Donations web page.

We already have people with incredible experience in Haiti at facilities that are damaged but still functional that can provide immediate assistance to the Haitian people. All we need is the financial resources to do it. We have several doctors and nurses that will be at our facilities on Sunday to start a clinic.

In addition to emailing everyone you know, we have the following ideas:

Contact your local church and school to ask for prayer and financial support specifically for Heartline Ministries.

Contact your local press and provide information about Heartline and our need. If you are an adoptive parent, the press has been very interested in getting information for stories of how the earthquake is affecting our families.

If you know of any grants, government funding or other organizations that can provide funds please contact them and Tom White, our treasurer at tom.white@heartlineministries.org.

Haiti Precious Haiti

2010-01-15T11:12:00.003-05:00

Oh Haiti, how I love and admire you. To those who I will not name (but some have the initials P.R.) who would dare insinuate that Haiti brought this on themselves, that somehow this is God's wrath poured out, to you I say, "God have mercy on YOU! and let he without sin cast the first stone!"

The precious woman that was pulled from the Carribean Market last night who had been trapped for 30 hours said she never stopped praying and thanks God.

When the family of the 2 year old boy pulled from the rubble this morning was asked how in the world he survived 3 days buried alone, they replied, "That's God! That is only God!"

On CNN a young man wanted to let his family in Orlando know that he was alive. He said, "I thank God for life. It is all I have, but I thank God."

Haiti, you who have suffered so much and endured so much I know you will survive. I know you will continue to pray and have faith as these your countrymen have done. I love you all. I am honored to watch you suffer with such love and dignity. I am honored to hold one of your precious treasures in my arms today. My sweet Daniel. I thank you for him. I thank you that he has your love and courage and honor coursing through his veins. I will do my best to raise him to honor you all. Precious Haiti, you have my prayers, you have my love, you have my respect. God be with you in the horrific days that are yet to come. God help you. God comfort you. God sustain you.

Heartline Update

2010-01-15T10:27:00.001-05:00

Blog read our:
Archive
January 15

QUICK UPDATE
8:26 AM

The American children, 12 total, of the three families (Buxmans, Tluceks, Livsays) working with us were able to fly out of Haiti last night on a military flight to New Jersey. They were escorted out by visitors who as well left on the same flight.

We at the women's center have turned on the generator to give water to the neighbors.

Viola, one of the cell phone companies here in Haiti, is now working.
The Heartline Group will be meeting at 9:00 AM to pray, praise, review and plan. Please pray with and for us.
We do not yet know if Beth, Byron, and Morgan are able to come in today.
We will start to generate clean drinking water, with a system from Hay's Pure Water for All Foundation, which was given to us by the gracious people at World Wide Village, to give to those that do not have clean drinking water.

Leaving for our meeting.
Please pray!

John

Livesay Family Update

2010-01-15T09:07:00.000-05:00

Best Wake Up Call Ever!

God is good!

This morning at 6:05 am we received a call that the Livesay children (Paige 15, Isaac 8, Hope 8, Noah 5 and Lydia 2) have been flown out of Haiti by the US Embassy. They are traveling with two beautiful adoptive moms (Kristin Howerton from California and Erin Lancer from New York).

The children will travel to Texas to be cared for by their older sister, Brittany Benard, and their grandparents, Randy and Carolyn Porter. Troy and Tara Livesay will remain in Haiti to continue relief efforts.

Their daughter, Phoebe - 3, and their niece, Annie - 2 (being adopted by Tara's sister and brother-in-law, Tina and Matt Cleary) are in the adoption process and do not have US passports to travel out of Haiti. Efforts are being made to expedite adoptions.

Please continue to pray for safety and provision for the Livesays - both in the US and in Haiti. Being separated will be very difficult for them, but having most of their "tribe" safe in the US is a huge releif for the family.

Praising God for all He is doing,

Randy & Pat Mortensen

Donations can be made via our website by clicking here:

Please mail checks to:

World Wide Village, Inc.
2515 White Bear Avenue, Suite A8-205
St. Paul, MN 55109

Donations received for earthquake relieve will be used solely for the recovery and rebuilding of Haiti.

Heartline Update

2010-01-14T20:40:00.002-05:00

Dear Heather,
The following is John's latest blog. He is not able to prepare any emails as his time is needed to care for the children and people in our organization. check out the links at left for information. Please make people aware of our organization and need. Many people do not know where to donate and want their money to be used 100% in Haiti. All donations we receive for Earthquake relief will be used solely for recovery and rebuilding in Haiti.

HEARTLINE UPDATE
It has been a busy day trying to stay on top of things here at Heartline and to still have time to respond to emergencies.

We will tonight have about 15 people sleeping at our house as some simply have lost their homes and for others it is not safe to return because of structural damage.

We are starting to see people on the streets with their mouth and nose covered with a cloth or a mask as the stench of death is beginning to hang in the air. In our particular area it is not as bad as some places where bodies are stacked on the side of the road and still buried in rubble. Today as I was on the road, I was passed by a police pickup truck that was stacked with dead bodies.

I will not post any pictures of this and I assure you that a photo can not communicate the pain and despair that so many are feeling as we are now entering the days of discovery. These are the days when people discover that their homes have been destroyed or some of their missing friends, neighbors, and family have been killed. And some discover the joy of having found loved ones.

Some of the comments I have had spoken to me today by people that we are involved with are:
• I have had many friends die.
• Most of the houses in my area have been destroyed.
• My house has been destroyed
• I have no place to live and sleep; I am on the street.
• I can't find my...
• I can't believe the widespread destruction.
• My area has the bad smell of death.
• I have lost everything

One of our security guards can't even talk as he has lost his voice due to the shock of losing so many in his neighborhood.

HEARTLINE

My priority is the care of the children and the well being our other missionary families and of our workers.

The children are well and being cared for at the Buxman's home, where they are basically living outside as the children's homes are not yet secure. We are working to secure them but it is slow going as we can't even remove the rubble as there are no trucks on the road to cart away the debris and we also are not able to get supplies such as sand, rock, cement, steel as there are no trucks to transport the materials here and we do not have the cash to pay for the supplies. We have money in the bank, but we have no access to it as the banks are closed.

We as well have a responsibility to our incredible workers who still are coming to care for our children, in spite of some having lost their homes, family members, friends and neighbors. Yet they come because they love the children.

We also have a responsibility to the women in our women's program, who as it is live desperate lives. They are starting to trickle into the women's center with stories of having lost much or all that they had.

We expect to spend tens of thousands of dollars to have those who are directly involved with Heartline to rebuild their tiny one to two room homes or to help them secure new homes.

So many want to come and help but at this point it is not possible for you to get here and the best thing that you could do is to donate to help Heartline help others. It will be days perhaps until we have access to money You may press here or here to donate. Your generosity will help to help those who are so desperate. These are people that we personally know and are involved with regularly. Please imagine and multiply it over and over again, a woman with 5 children, no husband, and now no place to live. YOUR HELP MATTERS.

If you have written to me and I have not responded, please forgive me as I have been extremely busy.

I have received numerous requests from news organization to comment on the situation but have decided not to do so as many are already talking about what is happening here.

Thank you for your love, care, concern, and prayers.

We are doing our best to stay encouraged and to honor God by working hard to make a difference.

Endeavoring to be the hands of Christ in Haiti,

John McHoul
http://haiti-relief.org/
go to the above link to donate

CNN Report on LIvesay Family

2010-01-14T16:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/01/14/haiti.bloggers.livesay/index.html?iref=allsearch

Beauty Will Rise

2010-01-14T16:24:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el-UboNj_nQ

More timely than ever.

Heartline Update

2010-01-14T12:03:00.000-05:00

Below are updates John and others have provided via their blogs. Communication is difficult and they do not cell phone usage and the internet is only working occasionally. The number one need is money. Not only do we need to rebuild walls, but many of our employees (we employee approximately 100 people in various capacities) are now homeless and will need massive help rebuilding. Please donate at www.haiti-relief.com or www.heartlineministries.org. Materials are very difficult to find and everything that is needed is going to take money that we simply did not have yesterday. If you have specific questions please realize that John is not able to respond. You can contact tom.white@heartlineministries.org if you need specific information.

We have had lots of inquiries about traveling to Haiti to help. This is the only comment we have received on visitors: If you don't speak Creole/Kreyol and don't have the ability to work with injured people - you should NOT come. We cannot feed you and we don't have a place to house you.

See http://jmchoul.spaces.live.com/blog/ for John's blog.

World Wide Village Update

2010-01-14T10:35:00.003-05:00

World Wide Village Incorporated

Haiti Update - 1/14/2010 - 7:30 am CT

After nearly 24 hours without communication to Haiti, we have received word:

The Livesay Family is fine!

Their house has power and water. The water is contaminated. However, in God's infinite wisdom and provision, just last month World Wide VIllage partnered with Pure Water for All (www.hayspurewaterforall.com) which provided us with water purification systems. Each system is capable of purifying water for up to 5000 people per day. We currently have several systems available for use and the Livesays are using it to purify water for their family and others in the area. Please consider a donation to purchase additional systems at a cost of $500 each.

Plans are underway to mobilize medical teams through the WWV Community Health Initiative to arrive in Haiti early next week or as soon as the airport is functional. Currently mobile "tent clinics" are operating with available medical personnel. Medical supplies are running low and our teams will take in as much as possible. In Tara's words, "It looks like half of Port au Prince needs some type of amputation. There are literally thousands of dead bodies stacked alongside the roads of the city." Please consider donating to purchase necessary medical supplies.

Please pray for health, stamina and direction for relief teams as they mobilize to go to Haiti.

Looking to God for direction,

Randy & Pat Mortensen

Donations can be made via our website by clicking here: I can't get the link to copy, but you can use my link to the right.

Please mail checks to:

World Wide Village, Inc.
2515 White Bear Avenue, Suite A8-205
St. Paul, MN 55109

What can we do?

2010-01-14T09:31:00.002-05:00

SEND MONEY!

They do not need people hopping planes so that there are more bodies to feed and care for. They need money. Prices have already skyrocketed on basic supplies. Licia has over 70 children in her rescue center that need to be fed daily. Lori, I'm sure, is flying through medical supplies that will soon become scarce. If you want to give to Licia and Lori follow the link to the right. If you want to give to World Wide Village and the Livesay's follow the link to the right. Both are listed under 'if you have money to give do it here". I would trust both of these organizations with my last dime. They are doing good work with little overhead and truly helping the hurting RIGHT NOW! If you don't trust giving to them text 'haiti' to 90999 and it will be a $10 donation on your cell phone bill to Red Cross. Anything, seriouslyANYTHING, you are willing to give will help. PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Helpless

2010-01-13T16:33:00.002-05:00

I feel so ridiculously helpless. So many hurting and no real way for help to come. I feel sick. I imagine Mother's holding hungry and hurt babies not knowing if food or water will ever come. I see husbands outside homes in which their wives have died. The power of the devastation is overwhelming. My kids don't get the magnitude of it, but Gabe asked in the car on the way home from school, "Mom, was this God's will?" Daniel began to cry and said he wanted to go there. Me too little man, me too. A country I love, that so many love, and that holds so many precious people is throbbing with the aftershocks of extreme devastation, and I am supposed to go to dinner and then teach kids club at church. How exactly do I do that? Anything other than crying and wailing at this point is fake. And this is where faith becomes real. When there is no emotional payback and you must CHOOSE to believe that God is good and God is love. Right now I am empty and dead inside, but I am choosing to believe. And I am asking God to please have mercy, please show yourself in this, please help, please comfort.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Many today are in the dark but hoping...

Update from Heartline

2010-01-13T12:03:00.000-05:00

January 13 6 AM Earthquake Update

Tom White,
Treasurer
John asked that I forward on the following email he sent to me this morning. Please be in paryer. Thank God all our people and children are safe. Please consider a donation as we do not have the resources to handle this need. You can donate by going to http://www.heartlineministries.org and clicking on the Earthquake donation button in the Earthquake update section.

John McHoul

Quick Update

All the children are fine.

They and the night workers and e Tlucek clan stayed at the home of the Buxmans last night. They stayed in the yard due to the mant aftershocks that we had.

The main damage that we sustained was to the walls around the houses. The wall on allfour sides of the boys' house has collasped. There is significant damage to the wall on two sides of the girls' house and at the women's cenetr and at my house.

We. of course, have no city power and no water due to broken pipes.

The inside of all the houses are littered with broken glass, and whatever was on the shelves noe is on the floor.

This morning at 1:30 I accompanied Troy Livesay to Bring two of our medical people and some medical supplies to a friends place who had set up a clinic in the street to help the many, many who were injured due to falling cement blocks and debris.

Along the route so much seened normal and then we would hit stretches of severe damage and of houses and businesses completely destroyed. We saw car on the side of road crused by falling debris. The three story police station which is about three miles from our house is completely destroyed.

People were told not to sleep inside so the strrets were packed with people sleeping and sitting. It at times was difficlt to get by them.

We have started cleanup by piling up the falling walls to make some kind of security wall around the houses. I have hired some of the local guys to help with this.

Our plan is to at least get then girls' house secure and have all the kids stay there. But the nannies at this point are saying that they will not sleep inside. It is possible that all will spend another night in the Buxmans' yard.

We will work on securing food drinking water for the children.

Heartline and its people have been blessed to have sustained relatively minor damage, especially compared to others who have suffered the loss of homes and others who ave been injured and other who have lost loved and others their lives.

I understand that Port au Prince and the surrounding areas have in many places been destroyed. The picture of the damaged national palace perhaps is indicative of the condition of the country

Our greatest need is for money to rebuild the walls to secure the homes and to make various repairs. I know that this seems so minor compared to he loss that others have suffered.

Your prayer are greatly needed.

I will update later today when I have a chance to use the internet of others that work with us. Our internet is done.

John

Haiti's 9-11

2010-01-13T08:52:00.002-05:00

Please, just pray for them. The home where I stayed when I went is completely collapsed. Thank God the boys that live there are out and safe. The Livesay's are safe. The McHouls are safe. Daniel's orphanage is safe. Don't know about the clinic in Cazale.

Just remember that without natural disaster this country was poor and hurting. They have no way to deal with this. They have no medical care to take care of the people who are injured. They have no fire dept to go out and rescue people from rubble. They have no money for food or water that is now in even more desperate need. I can't convey to you how completely devastating this is. I am wordlessly crying prayer to God to please have mercy, to please show himself in this and please help them. Please pray with me.

Natural Consequences

2010-01-07T08:38:00.003-05:00

Gabe is always the last one in the car. Any time we have to be anywhere we all ALWAYS end up sitting there waiting for him to get "one more thing". It is annoying and rude and I have yet to figure out a way to make it stop short of driving away and leaving him at home which I think CPS would take issue with. In the morning before school is the worst - I mean he is seriously not motivated to get there anyway (and yes he does it even if we are going somewhere fun). The other kids who are ready and waiting and DON'T want to be late to school end up having to rush to class because he stalled. Last week with his therapist she mentioned something about secondary benefits or a pay off for certain of his behaviours. Not this one. But on Wednesday morning as he is the last one dressed and downstairs I can see it coming and it occurs to me - he likes being in charge of when everyone leaves. When everyone has to wait on him it makes him feel important. He KNOWS we can't go without him. So at breakfast I calmly say to Jason - when you guys are ready to go just head on out. I'll take Gabe whenever he's ready. Now let me also preface all of this by telling you that the night before we had talked about how he is always running behind and we were going to start getting all of his stuff packed up the night before, pick out all his clothes and in general leave nothing to do but eat and get dressed. Of course by the next morning what he picked out to wear wasn't his favorite or wasn't fitting right or whatever. And woudn't you know it, "oh yeah I need pictures for my star of the week poster". So, sure enough Jason heads out with all the kids. Gabe has just barely finished breakfast, has no shoes on and no pictures. I sit calmly with Sweat Pea drinking my coffee and say, "just let me know when you are ready to go, but just know that I am not going to write you a note to be excused for being late." He disappears to get stuff done. He starts complaining about his belt, that it isn't tight enough and I suggest he go get one of the 3 other belts in his drawer. He says he doesn't want to waste time going upstairs, but it makes perfect sense to him to start a search for the leather punch we use on the horse tack. Yes, this is the kind of crazy we live with(: I enjoy my coffee and let him look. He can't find it, gives up and goes to get pictures. He finds some and then heads upstairs, presumably to get one of those other elusive belts. At this point 20 minutes have passed since everyone left. He will not be late if we leave right now. I say nothing because I know if he knew that he would sabotage it. He says, ok let's go, so I calmly get the baby in her car seat, grab my coffee and head out. And we sit...for about five more minutes. I'm fine - I have coffee, and music. I am not stressed. I hear him yell for me from the back door, "MOOOOOOMMMMMM!" I roll down the window, "yes?" He screams with tears and all, "This belt is too tight!" I suggest that he could wear any of the other 5 pair of pants in his dresser that are self tightening and do not require a belt. He disappears. And we wait... Now he is late. He finally gets in (with a completely different pair of jeans on). I don't pull away quickly as I normally would when everyone had been waiting. I just calmly ask, "is that everything?" Yes "Do you have your pictures?" Yes "Do your pants feel good?" Yes "Can you think of anything else you might need?" No

By the time we pull up to the school and he sees that the usual car rider line is gone and he must go in the front door he starts crying. All of a sudden he doesn't feel good, he is going to be sick. I tell him that surely if he throws up in school the nurse will call me and I will come and get him. Finally, he is honest, "I don't want to go in crying!" And I say, "well pull yourself together, you have everything you need, your pants feel good and you probably only missed morning seat work." At this point he looks really pitiful and I actually am starting to want to rescue him. He gets out and walks in. He looked so small and sad walking in there all by himself, but I refused to go in and make an excuse for him. It was HARD. When I got home I emailed his teacher and told her it was an unexcused tardy and that we were trying to let him experience some natural consequences.

This morning he was the first one in the car.

Question

2010-01-05T15:51:00.002-05:00

Does God ever say, "meh" or, "I could go either way."?

I'm reading a book right now the gist of which is to purposefully do all things to please God. So, as I go about my day I am to ask myself, "does this please the Lord?" I get the idea, and I don't disagree. But I do wonder if God really is concerned about every little thing I do or say. I mean, on the one hand I know He cares because he loves me and created me and has a beautiful plan for me, but does he care if I put mascara on one day or what kind of car I drive or if my toilet is clean or any number of other mundane things that happen in a day? I certainly don't want to do things that I know would displease him, but can some things be just neutral or does everything boiled down, at its core, have some moral significance? What do you think?

Other Blog

2010-01-03T08:57:00.001-05:00

Been posting a bit over at my other blog if you want to follow along.
http://www.lovehopes.wordpress.com

Amazing Faith

2009-12-26T16:44:00.002-05:00

I have been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's new album for the past few weeks. I can't believe I just said that because the first time I listened to it I cried so hard my head ached for the rest of the day and I swore I would never be able to listen to it again. But somehow I did. And then again. I still cry, but not so much that I'm incapacitated. And now I am able to hear the words more. I think of all the emotion packed into those songs, all the moments, all the ways God has spoken to their hearts. And then I think that this album of songs can only begin to scratch the surface. The complexity of emotions that they must be feeling can't possibly be captured in such human terms. But of any album I have ever heard I believe wholeheartedly that God is speaking through it. I believe He is using this music, this family, this tragedy. I saw Steven Curtis on GMA a while back and I just was humbled all over again at his faith and his willingness to be so vulnerable in front of the world so that God could be glorified. If you have experienced loss, if you have wondered if God is able to get you through it, if you have wondered if God even exists, I encourage you to listen to this album.

You can go here to read about it in his own words:
http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/music.htm

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T20:57:00.004-05:00

I am sitting on the couch blogging from my new laptop. It is so fun. I guess my old desktop will now become the kids school work computer. And I get to be out where the action is and still feed my addiction. What a beautiful thing. We had a big snow last week that sort of hung around, but I don't think you can call this a white Christmas - it rained all day. Very yucky weather. And yet by the end of the day I think everyone in the family had uttered the words, "Best Christmas Ever". Apparently fun and family and new toys trump bad weather. I leave you with pictures.

Some of the morning unwrapping frenzy.

Sydney dressed as Sally for the Charlie Brown Christmas play at church.
Part of the baking frenzy that took place the first week the kids had off school.

View from my kitchen window. It is always a sunset, but I swear every night God paints it new and special just for me(: It is one of my favorite things.

FIVE FOR FIVE #4

2009-12-04T10:30:00.003-05:00

Welcome to Day 4 of our Five for Five campaign for World AIDS Day - a chance to give $5 a day for 5 days - each day funding a different project serving orphans living with HIV!

Today's project is "TLC Orphanage" in South Africa. TLC was founded in 1993 and has served over 600 babies through the years. They generally have up to 60 children in care and currently are caring for 11 positive children.
All "5 for 5" donations received today (December 4) will be designated toward TLC's education fund, financing schooling costs for their positive orphans.

Give:

Five For Five #2

2009-12-02T11:29:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Day 2 of our Five for Five campaign for World AIDS Day - a chance to give $5 a day for 5 days - each day funding a different project serving orphans living with HIV!

Today's project is "AHOPE for Children" in Ethiopia. AHOPE Ethiopia provides two children’s homes exclusively for the care of children infected with HIV, with a capacity of about 100 children total. The Child Development Center is a community outreach program that provides services essential to enable a destitute extended family to keep its orphaned children at home. The first Child Development Center was opened in September of 2007 in an impoverished neighborhood of Addis Ababa. It has the capacity to assist 100 children and their guardians and is designed as a model that is suitable for replication in other needy areas as funding allows.

All "5 for 5" donations received today (December 2) will be designated toward AHOPE's Child Development Center - enabling extended families and communities to keep their orphaned children at home.

FIVE FOR FIVE #1

2009-12-01T10:08:00.004-05:00

Welcome to World AIDS Day and the start of our Five for Five campaign - a chance to give $5 a day for 5 days - each day funding a different project serving orphans living with HIV! .

Today's project is "Agape Children's Home" in Thailand. Located in Chiang Mai Thailand, the Agape Home for babies with HIV/AIDS opened in May 1996 as a response to the plight of children impacted by the spread of HIV/AIDS across Thailand. All of the children who come to the Agape Home to live are, or are at risk of being, HIV positive. Many of them have already lost their parents to AIDS, and there are no other options for their care.
All "5 for 5" donations received today (December 1) will be designated toward Agape's current building project - a village of smaller homes where children will be able to live in a more family-type situation rather than in one large facility. .

Go here to learn more:

http://www.fromhivtohome.org

Or go here to donate now:

https://www.networkforgood.org/donation/ExpressDonation.aspx?ORGID2=26-2319340

Instead of a sweater

2009-11-24T12:52:00.004-05:00

that will end up at goodwill in a month anyway why not buy Heartline Ministries some hope for the future? Go to the Heartline Runners' Site and see how you can help. Or check out Corey's blog http://www.watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/. She's doing a cool raffle!

For Suzette

2009-11-19T14:05:00.003-05:00

2009 Preschool Graduate.

A classic Daniel hug for his best friend Brody (also from Haiti).

He loves the camera.

At the lake.

Heavy

2009-11-17T13:30:00.003-05:00

Not as in "a problem with the earth's gravitational pull", but as in "holy cow could one more thing be weighing on my mind right now??".

Last Thursday Madeline's horse was down when the girls went down to feed in the morning. We brought her up to the house and called the vet. She was not good. At one point we thought she was dying right in front of us - slow breathing, glazed eyes, wouldn't get up. The vet arrived and got her up, took her temp and did a rectal (yeah). She was constipated and likely had an intestinal blockage. He shot about a gallon of mineral oil into her and a bucket of water. By evening she was not better so we called him back for more of the same. At night we set alarms to get up and walk her a bit to make sure she was moving. Friday afternoon she was still not great so he came back and gave another injection. Saturday morning she went down again and we knew she was not going to pull out of this. The vet said he would come put her down. She was 25+ years old and he thought she might have some other underlying issue like a tumor that was keeping her from being able to pass anything. There are lots of other details that I will spare you about watching an animal that large die. It was gutwrenching. When the vet finally arrived I was so relieved to see her stop suffering. My girls sat by her head and held her and sobbed. I thought at one point that I literally couldn't take it anymore. This horse was Madeline's best friend for the past 4 years, and she has been a dream of hers since she was 4 years old. The pain of a mother watching her child suffer like that is almost unbearable. Madeline is deeply grieving as the reality of Aesha being gone sets in. She doesn't want to find another horse right now. She is sad and she is not herself.

I feel HEAVY.

Then we realize that Gabe has some stuff going on that needs to be dealt with and call the psychologist, the only one we trust, and make plans to get him into therapy. I am his mom and I don't know how to help him. I don't know what's going on in his head most of the time. I don't know how to reach him, or if he feels loved, or if he feels safe. So many things about him that I just don't know.

I feel HEAVY.

Little Sweat Pea (our foster daughter) has a new diagnosis and a new prognosis that scares the @#%!*%#%$^%$^##$^*@#@!!!! out of me. Her mom is not doing so great at getting stable. I worry what this means for her life. I worry what this means for our lives. All because of one idiotic moment.

I feel HEAVY.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but could someone please send me one of those stupid email jokes or something. I seriously need a laugh right now. No....I'm not kidding...

God is good!

2009-11-09T12:22:00.002-05:00

And He hears our prayers.

And He loves us.

And He always has a plan.

And He is always in control.

And He loves us.

And He shows himself in the darkest places.

And He is always with us.

And He loves us!

Want a little proof?
http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/11/08/whats-missing/

Five-For-Five

2009-11-04T09:39:00.002-05:00

http://fromhivtohome2.blogspot.com/2009/10/five-for-five.html

Hodge Podge

2009-10-30T08:59:00.002-05:00

I closed my facebook account. It started to feel a little weird. All those people interconnected artificially, peering into each others lives, vying for "most friend requested" status. This from an addicted blogger. Yes, I see the irony. My point is, if you want to reach me you will have to just old school shoot me an email or something.

We are now almost seven months into our first domestic foster care placement. I have millions of thoughts. Most of them will just need to stay in my head - atleast until more time has passed. Some of them I will share on the other blog - which I will probably not get time to do until 'more time has passed' anyway!

There was alot of debate/discussion/flaming/encouraging etc. etc. after Corey posted about her son's adoption. I also have a million thoughts about that. First, I am seriously ticked that anyone, after only reading a few paragraphs can make a judgement about what she is doing. If you actually are naive enough to think that nothing could be bad enough to end an adoption then enjoy your happy little land of ignorance and be blissful, but don't judge the one who is in the real world walking through the fire. And please continue to pray with all of us that this precious, broken, angry, hurting, sad little boy will be able to heal and love with the family God has prepared for him.

Tonight I am hitting a concert with my gorgeous guy and a bunch of friends from church. Now, I am off to shop for a cute date night outfit. Wish me luck!

I Know Right?!

2009-10-28T15:00:00.000-05:00

I am not going to do a catch up post. It is too depressing to think about - kind of like when you are cross stitching and you realize you messed up like six rows back and have to take it all out and do it over, which is why I quit cross stitching about a week after I started in 1985. I don't want to think about all that has happened in the past 3-4 months since I blogged regularly and try to recap it for you. There was some great, some good, and some bad. The end.

I did learn something though. This blog is very therapeutic for me. It helps me organize my thoughts when things are chaotic. But it is also good to get out of my head for a while, quit analyzing living and just live. First are some pictures of the "just living" part and then I will try to dive back into my brain and bore you endlessly with my analytical meanderings.

My July Birthday Boys

The month of July we had the beautiful and wonderful Iris come to stay with us. She is from Germany and was so fun to have around.

Over the summer the girls slept in the barn one night. They were not being punished. They actually BEGGED to do it. Too cute. They had great stories of listening to what the horses do at night, and being spooked because they had watched a scary movie on their portable DVD player - also their idea of fun. Weird. (The one on the left is the neighbor girl in case you are wondering if we adopted again while I wasn't blogging.)

First day of school, which I actually took on the first day of school. The fact that I am posting it on the 53rd day of school should not count against me!

On our ttip to D.C. the girls got to hold this thing at the Smithsonian. GROSS! They were thrilled, thought it was cute and probably would've brought it home if it were an option. Yuck.

Gabe is loving football - his team is undefeated and headed to the playoffs this Saturday(:

In September my bringin-home-the-bacon-kinda-guy was promoted to Lieutenant Colonel so we all headed to drill with him and had a fun weekend at the beach! Good times.

Celebration dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. Love this place!

Well, still not all caught up, but atleast you got some bits and pieces of the past few months. I'll try to be more faithful...

Please Help Spread the Word

2009-10-07T11:40:00.003-05:00

This little boy's family is out there somewhere! God has a plan.
http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/family-needed/

He was at Daniel's orphanage in Haiti. He has suffered so much. He WILL NOT be easy to parent, but he deserves a chance, and his family is willing to give it to him. God bless you Corey!

15 YEARS!

2009-08-12T12:47:00.003-05:00

My marriage is a gift. Even when other stuff in my life feels like it is falling apart or I just feel like I am falling apart my marriage is a constant that has yet to fail me. I'm not saying we are perfect and we have never disappointed each other. Over the years we have had bumps in the road just like any other couple. But somehow God has grown in us a powerful love that is indestructable. We are a team. The difficult things that pop up in life bring us closer instead of dividing us. We cling to each other instead of pushing away. And when the kids (i.e. Gabe) are driving us crazy we comfort one another with the fact that one day they will move out, and we will be alone again! We are best friends who would still rather be with each other than anyone else. We laugh, we talk, we get each other. I am still, after 15 years of marriage, blown away by the man God gave me.

I can't wait to see what the next 15 years holds...

Suffering Outside the Bubble

2009-07-03T15:48:00.003-05:00

I am currently watching people I love dearly suffer. And it's not just one family. There is suffering all around me. But we, apparently are in some sort of protective bubble. Our lives are going along just fine. I'm thankful, but baffled. And often wondering when the bubble will burst. Not that the burst would cause some sort of faith crisis, or that I don't think we could handle some tough times. It's just weird watching suffering from the outside, specifically the kind of suffering that cannot be alleviated. (Not by me anyway). This is big time, life-changing, gut wrenching, ugly, nasty stuff. And apparently God allowed it. I don't know why I am more shocked by the big ugly stuff that God allows versus the usual toe stubbing or rain on my picnic kind of stuff. It is really all shy of perfection, so what does the degree matter? God allowed Sweat Pea to be injured. God allowed the Holocaust. God allowed Daniel to cut his knee at the pool. And God is perfect and good and in control. This is the truth. And the truth will set you free. So, in the midst of pain and suffering I can rest, or watch others rest, in the knowledge that God has allowed this for a season, for reasons we may never know, but He is still good and perfect and in control. He is still on His throne. There really is freedom in that. Freedom to relinquish control. Freedom to acknowledge that I am not God, I did not cause it and I cannot fix it. Freedom to just let my Saviour work out His plan.

And on a side note I want to say that one of my good friends who is suffering right now begged me to not take on her burden. She wanted me to know that she was being sustained by the Lord and did not want her suffering to affect my faith. How beautiful is that? I often think of those who would deny God because of a tragedy that did not ever touch them. I do understand that symapthy, and that anger, but I think those who are suffering and are being held up, literally, by the Lord in the midst of their trials would be very upset if someone used their hurting as a reason to deny the one thing that is sustaining them.

Can't Blog...Living.

2009-06-23T18:45:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I had this funny picture in my head from a movie - I know, so out of character for me to relate my life to an on screen event - and the image is, 'can't talk...eating', but I can't remember the movie it is from. Anyway, all that to say that I have been so busy living that I couldn't blog. We are bUsy with a capital U, but things are good. we just got back from a week at the beach and are soon headed for a weekend in WI to celebrate Jason's Grandma's 100th birthday. When we get back from that, planning and preparing for VBS will be in full swing along with Sweet Pea's medical, early intervention, and social servives appointments. Sprinkle in several orthodontics appointments, the occassional IEP meeting and you have a recipe for "I May Never Blog Again Casserole". I may or may not be back...(:

Speaking Of Running

2009-05-27T08:36:00.003-05:00

http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/2009/05/marathoning-for-haiti.html

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO HERE AND HELP TARA MEET HER GOAL. SHE IS AWESOME. HER HEART IS AWESOME. HER LOVE FOR THE LORD AND HAITI AND HURTING KIDS IS AWESOME. I CANNOT SAY ENOUGH GOOD THINGS ABOUT HER AND HER FAMILY. JUST GO DO IT. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO......(:

2009-05-18T10:53:00.002-05:00

My sweet Sydney joined a goup called Girls On The Run after school this spring. They teach about healthy body image, peer relations etc and simultaneously train for a 5k run. I decided I would run it with her. We had so much fun and met our goal of not walking at all(: Corey - if you are reading this stop laughing at me - it was a big deal! ;- Before...And after... We did it girly. I love you!

I got to attend a Mother's Tea with Daniel at his school last week. It was possibly the most precious thing ever. First of all, look how gorgeous he is! When I got to the school he came out and gave me his arm to escort me in, then he served me my treats. He stood at perfect attention beside my chair and said, "Mom, you wan sunsing on yo plate?" I almost lost it right then and there. What a treasure of a child he is!!

New Blog

2009-05-16T10:03:00.003-05:00

OK, so a crazy lot has happened in the past few weeks. There has been so much on my mind and so little time to write. I do plan on sharing it with you as I can, but I am taking my thoughts on our foster parenting adventures over to word press. That way I can share things that are best kept private with a password protected setting. Of course, still all names and intimate details will not be shared, but what I can share are my thoughts, fears, hopes etc. I invite you along for the ride. The address is www.lovehopes.wordpress.com and if you want access to password protected posts send me an email at sixprices at verizon dot net requesting the password and I will send it to you(: I will share regular old family life here as usual and no password is needed!

Promise to catch up soon...

Go Vote

2009-04-24T08:00:00.001-05:00

Check out Carloyn's "Stitch That Makes The Sweater Perfect" blog for details and go here to vote.
http://www.uncrunch.org/uncrunchAmerica/uncrunchArticleDetail.action?guid=10502

Recap in Pictures

2009-04-14T19:28:00.004-05:00

Samuel is seriously precious! He is such a sweet and easy going baby. Easter...

Was...

So...

Busy...

We did two services at church, then off to friends for a cookout and egg hunt, then over to my Mom's for dinner and another birthday party for Madeline.

How adorable and goofy is my crew(:

Daniel's impersonation of Santa.

Madeline's party Friday night with friends.

My baby girl is 12. I have one more year to be officially teenager free. She is such a sweet, loving, and mature kid. I am so blessed by her - she loves her family, she loves the Lord. Thank you Lord for letting me be Mom to this treasuer of a girl!

Daniel lost another tooth - his third. He is FOUR! The photo above is of him holding the tooth fairy money AND the tooth. Apparently he went and found the tooth on my dresser the next morning, and then said, "Mom is you is the tooth fairy?"

Little stinker.

Sam Is Here(:

2009-04-13T15:14:00.001-05:00

We get to snuggle, love, and in general spoil him for the next two weeks while his host mom is away. I changed his diaper, I fed him, I got him to go down for a nap. So far so good. Will post pictures soon.

This Just In

2009-03-20T12:54:00.001-05:00

From Samuel's Host Mom:

We are going home today!! Yippeee!!!!

Sammy is doing very well. The incision on his back has closed up and is healing nicely. There is one spot that the surgeon is concerned about, but all we can do at this point is watch it carefully. The stitches in his head and belly will dissolve and those two areas are looking good. The shunt is working; his head was another half centimeter smaller this morning and I can feel the plates are closer together like they should be. She was also very pleased with the leg movement he's showing. He will still need extensive PT and his feet are still fairly clubbed, so we're still working on them.

Right now, we are awaiting our final discharge papers and waiting for a travel bed since he still can't sit in a car seat. We have follow up appointments scheduled with the surgeon, his PT, and his PCP in the upcoming weeks. But we are looking forward to relaxing at home for a couple of days.

Sammy and I would like to give a big thank you with a hug to all of our prayer warriors who have been praying for us. Your prayers have definitely been felt and heard. Please continue to pray for Sammy's recovery including complete use of his legs and control of his bladder and bowels (two areas of dificulty for spina bifida kids). I will keep you posted of his progress. Feel free to pass this email on to other prayer warriors.

I Love Boys

2009-03-17T19:34:00.002-05:00

The weekend was cold and rainy so we stayed in and made our own fun.

Also wanted to let you know that Samuel's shunt surgery went well today. Hopefully he will be able to leave the hopsital by the weekend(:

Samuel Update

2009-03-16T08:15:00.002-05:00

Little Sammy was not able to handle the hydrocephalus. The doctors debated over whether to try an experimental surgery that would allow him to go back to Haiti shunt free, but apparently have decided against it. His shunt surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. Although they have drawn off some of the fluid it is building again so he is fairly lethargic, but is still eating well. Please keep praying for him. Hope to have pictures from his host mom to share soon.

My Sister-Friend Corey Thinks It Rocks Too, But She Is DOING Something About It!

2009-03-11T11:06:00.002-05:00

Love you Corey! Everybody who is not Corey should check her out here:
http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/03/11/brother-can-you-spare-a-dollar-or-two/

THIS ROCKS!

2009-03-11T08:01:00.002-05:00

This is a matching grant opportunity for one of the best ministries in Haiti. Please please go help if you can!
http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/2009/02/grantgrowth-opportunity.html

Sam Update

2009-03-08T18:48:00.004-05:00

From his host mom on Friday:

"Sammy is doing well. He's been in some pain since the surgery, but for the most part it's controlled by regular use of Tylenol and only occassionally, morphine. The fluid and pressure on his head is increasing, and each day his head circumference is a little bigger. The nuerosurgeon said that she either needs to tap it again to relieve the pressure or put the shunt in, and if she has to do one, she'd rather put the shunt in, which is how we feel as well. He had the ultrasound today and she's checking her schedule, but probably won't be able to perform the procedure until next week. He's sleeping a little more and eating a little less, but all in all, doing well."

From his host mom today:

"Sammy is doing pretty good, all things considered. He's resting well and doesn't seem to be in any pain. He had some diarrhea and formulat spitting, but we changed his formula to soy. His BM's are firming up and the spitting has stopped. He is however, losing weight. Today is the second day of weight loss. The pediatric doctors here are on top of it, so hopefully we'll know something soon."

Please pray they can do his shunt soon. I believe he is not eating because he is probably getting very uncomfortable. Poor little man needs our prayers right now.

Also, here is a link to his story for a local paper:

http://www.roanoke.com/community/virginia/religion/wb/196950

Healing!

2009-03-06T10:03:00.003-05:00

L to R: Leo, Daniel, Sydney, Madeline, Mom, Gabe, Dad, Chance

Last week Gabe brought this picture to me. I cried. It is the first one he has ever drawn of our family with him in it and we are all happy. He is turning eight this week. He draws alot of dragons, battle scenes, and faceless people. If you have a perfectly attached child you would not have been as shocked as I was to receive this picture. Notice the smiling faces and how he has positioned himself right between me and Jason and we are ALL holding hands. It is really beautiful. And the best part is - I can see it in his life, on his face, and I can feel it in his interactions. He is healing. Praise God!

Day One Post Op

2009-03-04T09:03:00.002-05:00

This is the update we got from Sam's host mom yesterday afternoon.

"Sammy went into the OR at 7:30 am and didn't come back to the room until 3:30 pm. There is damage to the spinal nerves. And while right now Sammy is not showing signs of paralysis, we are seeing restrictive range of motion in his legs. We have already started doing some simple PT with him, but he also may need surgery on one, if not both, feet. When his back has healed, the surgeon will probably put the shunt in his head to reduce the pressure of the fluid even more. Right now, he is in a good bit of pain and discomfort."

Please keep him in your prayers for continued healing and less pain!

No Really, Surgery Day

2009-03-02T18:38:00.003-05:00

Well, the weather caused all surgeries to be backed up and they decided not to start on Samuel late this afternoon. So he is their first surgery at 7:15 in the morning. Don't worry if you were praying today like I was, I'm sure God will remember tomorrow;-) But you could pray tomorrow too - hint hint. The surgery takes several hours so I don't expect to hear from his host mom until early afternoon. Here is a new pic of him all snuggly in the hospital. What a doll baby!

P.S. He is up to 6 pounds! He's a good little eater(:

Finally - SNOW

2009-03-02T11:16:00.004-05:00

Our back yard.

Couldn't resist taking a picture of him - he's so stinkin cute(:

While the big three were out doing this...

and this...

my thin blooded little Haitian was doing this...

Note the heating pad(:

Surgery Day

2009-03-02T09:34:00.002-05:00

Today Samuel goes into surgery. So far his cultures from his spinal tap are showing no infection! His kidneys have urine in them so they were checking the cause of that early this morning. I guess it is possibly refluxing from his bladder? I am new to all of this! So, he will be in surgery as early as 11:00 am, but it could possibly be pushed back to early afternoon. Please pray for little man! His host mom says he is just a sweetheart.

Samuel Update

2009-02-27T11:41:00.002-05:00

He is here, he is safe! He is a tiny 4.5 pounds! Today he is getting a spinal tap to check for infections, an MRI and surgery is scheduled for Monday. An experienced host mom has been found in the city where his care is so for now we are not hosting. I am sad. I feel a strange connection to this baby. I want to be with him right now, but I know that the Lord is working this out so I am not going to push for my way. I will wait. We will be doing respite for him so I WILL eventually get my hands on him(:

Pray For Samuel

2009-02-26T13:51:00.002-05:00

Please continue to pray for Samuel today as he travels. Pray that his sack does not begin to leak, that there are no infections or emergencies as he makes his way to us. Also please pray for his mom who this morning had to hand her very fragile baby boy over to strangers. Her heart must be aching right now. I will let you know as soon as I hear he is safely at the hospital! Until then my heart is in my throat...

All Or Nothing

2009-02-26T13:33:00.002-05:00

I have been reminded recently that the Christian life is all consuming. It is not a side dish. It is not a hobby. It is not a part of who you are. It IS who you are. You cannot go about your day doing as you please, living, working, eating, sleeping, and not have it be the driving force in every one of those moments. I used to live my life without that truth. I used to thank God for my salvation and then do what I pleased. The more I learn about the Lord the more I see Him everywhere and in everything. I am emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually ready to go all out for the Lord. I have come to the conclusion that all other pursuits apart from knowing and loving him are empty and lead only to despair.

Of course with every realization, every growth spurt if you will, there are growing pains. My problem currently is this: There is so much need, so much hurt. I want to help, to fix it all, to be everything to everyone. But obviously I can't do that. God has given me the ache in my heart that wants to comfort a child or nurture their dreams. He has given me a desire for other things like ASL, serving in church children's ministry, possibly a drama club. All of these things are good and would be done in a heart of service to the Lord, but I am only one. What does God want me to do. Just me. That is what I am waiting to hear. I do not want to pridefully pursue all things because I will fail. I want to hear from the Lord. I want to seek his face and ask him what I could possibly do that would please him. What beautiful thing does He have for me just around the bend? I do not want to be led about by my own emotions and desires. I want to pray for my heart to be in sync with my Lord's and when I have heard from Him I can move forward with all the eagerness I can muster knowing it is absolutely the right direction. That's when things get really exciting!

Baby Samuel

2009-02-25T14:35:00.003-05:00

Please pray for this little guy. He got his visa to come from Haiti this morning! WOOHOO! He will be traveling tomorrow. He has spina bifida. Pray for safety for him, and for his health. he will go directly from the airport to the hospital late tomorrow night. And yes we might be hosting him. Pray for that too. We are leaving it in God's hands!

Guilt And Pride

2009-02-24T11:46:00.003-05:00

I got a new car. It's very pretty and shiny and I both love and hate having it. Whether we like it or not what we drive says something about us, just like what we wear or eat or say. My old '99 Mercury Villager said, "I'm a practical Mom and my identity is not tied up in appearances." I liked that about it. It had ground in french fries in the carpet and melted crayons in the cup holders. It was scratched and stinky. It wasn't until I got this new one that I realized I was proud of the old one. It was a badge of honor for me. It told people I had my priorities straight. BUT it had to go. Many things were breaking and it just didn't make sense to keep stitching up a dead horse. So, we kept our eyes open for a good deal. This past weekend we found it. A 2004 Durango with only 16000 miles on it. Super cheap and super clean. DONE. It also happens to have aftermarket wheels to add to the bling factor. I love driving it, but I hate thinking what people must think of me. It's one of several things; 1) I am killing the planet with my gas guzzling self. 2) I am self absorbed and vain. 3) My priorities are all out of whack - I mean there are starving children in the world!

So, as I'm driving along thinking all of these things it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been a judgemental jerk. And now I am heaping on myself the coals I had once reserved for others. I feel guilty driving this car. Not because we spent too much, and not because we didn't need it. Simply because of the image I feel it portrays. Now that is vain!

Another Great Ministry

2009-02-24T09:35:00.002-05:00

http://sarahscovenanthomes.blogspot.com/2009/01/surgeries-still-needed.html

Thanks to Dorothy at "Urban Servant" I have gotten to learn about this amazing ministry. You could seriously change a childs life by helping with one of these surgeries. You can learn more about the ministry by clicking on "Sarah's Covenant Homes".

All Accounted For And Happy

2009-02-19T12:56:00.003-05:00

...well relatively speaking.

Since the last post caused my Mom to call and make sure G was not duck taped to a wall somewhere I thought I should let you all know that we are fine. He is doing ok, we are making progress, he is learning and THIS IS A PROCESS. I have to remind myself of that often. This is no quick fix kind of thing. If I look back a year or even 6 months I see HUGE improvement. I have to remember that. And my vent sessions here are very cathartic for me. It is much healthier to do it here where he will never see it than to say something to him that I will regret. Sooooo, all is well. No need to call CPS!

Turn Up The AC

2009-02-17T12:38:00.003-05:00

I understand at this point in my walk with the Lord that stepping out ups the anty. I get that. Still, every time it sort of catches me off guard. My attachment challenged child has regressed a bit lately. I call him attachment challenged because he doesn't have RAD. He's just so ridiculously insecure about EVERYTHING that he acts like a complete butt head sometimes. I don't know why he can go for weeks at a time being "almost normal" and then will decide it is time to act like an idiot. Maybe he is thinking about his birth mom. Maybe the foster care thing brings up issues for him. Maybe the enemy is messing with me. Maybe there is no reason at all. I don't know and I don't care. Ok, maybe I care a little. But the why is sort of irrelevant to my response. I have two choices. Seriously I have played it all out in my head and it comes down to TWO. I can freak out, get scared, start thinking about what a horrible life he will have if he doesn't learn to manage his feelings, and how can I possibly take on something new when I haven't even figured out what is going on with him, and man I am tired of this I just want to throw my hands up and say never mind. OR I can trust and hope. I can trust that God has a plan, that he loves AC boy more than I do, that he is directing my steps, that he will never leave me, that he will give me the tools I need and the strength to use them. And I can hope that some how, some way my little Gabe will get radically transformed by Jesus' love. Because really my love, Jason's love, the love from his siblings and grandparents all just scratches the surface of the deep cavern in him that needs filling. Seriously, he is an emotional black hole. Only God can do that. While I wait and pray I will ask the Lord to fill me up so that I can be poured out - poured into the black hole. I will choose to trust and hope.

In The Truck On 501

2009-02-11T08:56:00.003-05:00

There are moments in in time that live forever. I remember Jason kissing me for the first time. I remember our wedding and looking into his eyes and having ZERO doubt. I remember seeing my first positive pregnancy test. I remember my second positive pregnancy test which was a bit more shocking(: I remember the first time I sawGabe's picture and wanting to reach into it and hold him. I remember a phone call on September 29, 2004 from Jason saying to call the social worker because our son was in Haiti and we had to go get him. These moments are the ones we look back on and smile because of where they took us. Driving home from the foster parenting meeting may one day be a forever moment. We talked about the things that had led us to this moment in time and how we had been prepared in certain ways. There were mundane things like not being on vacation when the training would take place - which was clearly a God thing. And the fact that my ASL class had switched nights but I had not signed up for my women's bible study when it did so that we would be free on the nights we needed. We talked about how we had learned to let go when we wanted to hold on and how we had learned to let go when God said it was not ours to hold. We reminded each other of God's sovereign plans and the peace that he gives when you obey. Though it may be peace in the midst of pain. Jason said he didn't want to guess at what God was going to do, but we could both imagine looking back on that night as the beginning...of something.

I am going to assume that this leg of our lives together may be the most difficult yet because God is not content with letting us be stagnant. His love for us is too great. He wants us to grow in our knowledge of who he is, and in our love for those around us. I'm thinking this adventure will allow for lots of both!

Baby Steps..Get On The Bus

2009-02-10T11:10:00.003-05:00

I have learned at this point to never say never. There was a time that I said I would never homeschool. If you go way back there was a time I said I would never have kids. Well, I am officially beginning the process on another never.

We are moving forward. We can't say that we know what will happen or how far this bus will take us, but we both have great peace about starting the journey. Last night we attended our first foster parenting meeting. We have committed to the training program which will be twice a week until April. As we drove home last night we felt good, peaceful and expectant. We both feel that lots of things had fallen into place for us to begin this journey at this moment, and we can see God's hand in it. YIKES! Pray for us(:

To Answer Jason's Question:

2009-02-02T09:54:00.002-05:00

No, God did not look like this when he told me the mop joke!

Shout Out and Silly Conversations

2009-01-27T15:58:00.005-05:00

So, to sort of add to the discussion below I have to point you to two new blogs I have recently been introduced to. They are linked on the right. One is called, The Journey and it is the story of a 20 something girl/woman who is radically obedient like few I have seen. Just go read her! The other is called, Calling For Justice, and I want to go read more, but from what I gather it is a SAHM like me who saw injustice and decided to do something about it. She has auctions and stuff on her blog. She may not make the news (yet) but she is being obedient.

These two women are not doing the same thing (ok did the sesame street song just pop into your head too? - I digress) but they are both doing what God has put in front of them.

So my silly conversation goes like this: (It's between me and God by the way - He speaks to me during everyday tasks like this alot - in the summer He is my gardening companion.)

I was mopping the kitchen floor. It was gross. I thought to myself, "why am I doing this, it's just going to get dirty again," as Chance and Daniel both walk right over it.

God: "Maybe you don't mop it to make it clean. Maybe you just mop it cause it's dirty and you own a mop."

You can take that one at face value or extrapolate as far as you want. I just thought it was hilarious, and I love when God makes me smile like that.

Questions On The Journey

2009-01-27T09:18:00.006-05:00

I love that the Christian life is such a journey. I know that no matter how much God teaches me here on this planet it will only scratch the surface of His truth. Recently my internal thought processes have focused on the perceived dilemma between "doing" and "grace". There seems to be this rift between the two in the church today. Some are saying we have to do more. It is our responsibility to _________. Fill in the blank with whatever makes you feel most guilty. The other side says there is nothing we can do to add or subtract. We have freedom in Christ. If you feel so led to do________. Go right ahead, but for goodness sakes don't feel guilty. I don't know what the answer is. I do know that ultimately these are two sides of the same coin. We are called AND we are free. So where does freedom end and sin begin? I am free to live in a house with 4 bathrooms while others in the world have no running water. But is it sinful? I am free to have a pantry with food always in it, and put more food in the trash in a week than some people eat in a month. But is it sinful? I am free to send a check to the direct tv people every month so that I can be entertained while mothers sell their children into slavery so that they can feed their families. But is it sinful? Tara recently linked an article on her blog that gave me some chunky food for thought. You know - the soup that eats like a meal kind of thought. You can read it here:http://www.globalcompassion.com/2009/01/05/love-justice-compassion-ego/. So, here I am living in the USA. By some standards I live extravagantly. By others I am pretty frugal. Where does my life become sinful?

Let me sort of switch gears for a minute. I've been praying about something for a while. It's one of those step out sort of things. I can't say that I have gotten the, "Yes, Heather I want you to do this right now!" from God. It is on my heart. That's all. So I asked Jason to be praying about it. So far he says he isn't feeling led. Here's my question. If there is a need, and if you are physically, emotionally, practically able to meet that need is "not feeling led" enough reason to not do it? Don't get me wrong - the ability would come from God. Humanly speaking it would be hard, very hard. And please don't misunderstand. I have the utmost respect for Jason's ability to hear from the Lord. He has proven himself to be an amazing spiritual leader in our family. I'm just throwing out the idea that maybe sometimes, instead of hearing a big ole yes from God, not hearing a no might be enough to move forward. I don't know. Maybe I need to sit tight and keep praying for a big yes. Maybe I need to move forward until a door shuts.

So, back to discussion A. When Jesus says to look after the orphan and widow or to help the poor, what does that look like in real life. Should we all trim our lives down to the absolute essentials. And what would those be? Really. And if you see a need, could fill it, but it would be a huge huge sacrifice should you do it simply and solely on the basis that the need exists? Should you not do it based solely on the fact that you haven't gotten a direct and specific call from the Lord?