Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Just do what?

I am getting too comfortable. I am feeling that things are settling down, life is calm, and I am experiencing a level of comfort that scares the jeebers out of me! Why? Because when I am this comfortable I don't want God to ask me to do anything. Yep, I said it, right there out in the open for all to read. It is embarrassing, but worse than that, it is heartbreaking to my Saviour. Why am I so stubborn about this stuff? I can think back on my life and see that everytime I got an assignment from God my joy exploded. His care in guiding me resulted in miraculous moments where His presence was so overpowering all I could do was weep at His goodness and grace. And I sit saying, "Yeah Lord, that was great, but things are really good right now. Please don't disturb my peaceful, self-centered existence just now. Maybe in a year or so I will be ready to do something, but for now can I just serve my flesh and do what I want to do." His spirit in me grieves just writing that. If I am in right relationship with Him aren't my desires and His supposed to be ONE. And yet the fear grips me. I know from experience that God's assigments, although ultimately beautiful for my soul, often start out as painful sacrifices. I remember the sleepless nights crying for my son. He was hundreds of miles away sharing a crib with atleast two other babies. I pictured him sucking his thumb and rocking himself back and forth, back and forth. I asked God how it could be a part of His plan for this child to learn to rock himself to sleep when here I was wanting so desperately to do it. I fearfully asked God if D would ever come home. I remember the night when God said, " I want you to be more in love with ME than you are afraid to lose this child." Was I? Well, perhaps not in that moment, but in that moment I asked God to make that happen in me. I knew I couldn't do it, but I knew HE could do it. And then came the peace. AHH yes, the sweet peace that passes understanding. And now here I am after having my son home for over a year. I have seen the healing take place in his heart. I have watched the fear slowly fade as it is replaced with a sense of security and knowing that he is loved. Now it seems I need to ask the Lord to do the same thing in my heart.

" Lord, please replace this fear in my heart with a knowledge of your love. Let your love give me boldness. Let your love be all that I need and give me the courage to risk everything else."

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Plans change...(ours, not God's!)

The girls and I visited their school today. It was wonderful. The prinicipal and teachers were all so nice and happy to welcome the girls. It felt really good and really right. I thank God for giving me that peace because honestly I second guess the decision daily. At every turn he is confirming it though.

So, true confessions time. I have always imagined myself on the mission field. And when we adopted D I felt sure that Haiti was the place where God would lead us. Aside from other benefits of homeschooling it has always sort of been my way to prepare for leaving. I didn't want to get used to the kids being in school. I didn't want roots that deep. I wanted to be ready to go at a moments notice. I have fought this sort of blending in with society and doing the suburban mom thing. Maybe not consciously, but I realize that letting go of that, atleast for now, has been a part of my grieving process. Jay has made it clear that we are not going to the mission field anytime soon. He acknowledges it is a definite possibility in the future, but God has not said "now" yet. So, I am stepping out into the world. And I feel this beautiful peacefulness from the Lord. Why did I think He would love me more, be more pleased with me if I went to some foreign country. He wants me to serve him contentedly from wherever I am. If it is possible, I think for me wanting to be on the mission field became almost sinful. I elevated it to a place of "better Christianity" in a way. And yet, where is the grace in that. And where is there room for the Lord to have a place for us all, a special plan just for us that may or may not include ever leaving home. I still hope for that call, but only if it is what He wants from us. And I am so grateful for a God who is bigger than place or circumstance and can use me wherever He wants me to be. May my eyes stay open to the needs that are right here in front of me everyday!

So, as the girls and I discussed school Madiboo asked if it was a Christian school, and I said no it is public. She and Sunshine both got huge grins on their faces and S chimed in, "Now we can tell some people about Jesus!" Out of the mouths of babes.

Random pictures from the past month: Bonfire night, and cow chasing in the pasture next door.

Monday, May 21, 2007


Well, one of the big decisions we made was that Madiboo and Sunshine would go to school next year. I have homeschooled them for the past four years so this is a huge decision for me. I know it is what God is saying to do right now, and I am trusting in that - even as I doubt, question and grieve over it. Sounds real trusting huh? I am sad that I will miss all those experiences with them during the day. I am sad that they will lose some of the innocence they still have. I am sad that they will lose that time with each other. On the other hand I am grateful that they have wonderful friends at the school who are Christians and will help them adjust. I am happy I will have the time to devote to helping G build his confidence. I am happy that my dear friend Stacy will be teaching D's preschool class. I am scared that the girls will have a bad experience, get teased, be behind etc etc. I am scared that I will lose some of the closeness we share now. Ultimately though, I am happy that God made this clear so that I can trust it and begin to move forward with a new plan. My image of my life as this "outside the box, homeschooling rebel" has caved to become one of those that bucks to the system! HAHA(: I guess I will have to rebel in other ways.... details to come(:

Monday, May 7, 2007

My BEST Friend!

My husband is the most awesome husband and friend any girl could ask for! Recently we have been struggling with some parenting questions, schooling questions, etc. etc. I knew I could honestly and openly go to Jay and ask him to pray and then to lead our family in whatever direction he felt God wanted for us. And here is the real kicker - I KNEW he would actually PRAY! Then the past few days I was feeling God leading in a certain way so I mentioned it to him today and he had been getting the same thing from the Lord. That was all the confirmation we needed. It is so beautiful how God uses a marriage when it is centered on Him. I feel so blessed to have this Godly man guiding my family and I thank God for him everyday. Sorry ladies - he is soooooo taken!

Thursday, May 3, 2007

The Toughest Job on the Planet!

I have been at this parenting thing for ten years now and am finding that I have come up with more questions than answers. I have read gazillions of books on the subject, talked with other parents, prayed, prayed and prayed some more. Recently I have discovered an entirely new parenting paradigm. Of course when I say "new" I guess I mean it is being rediscovered. As Solomon said, "there is nothing new under the sun". Something I have realized through the years is that, as with many things, parenting is very culturally diverse and thus attitude and perceptions about what is "the right way" are strongly driven by cultural values, mores, and assumptions. Often in the Christian community the "spare the rod, spoil the child" attitude is carried out in a way that far removes itself from the original intent of training, teaching and correcting. I am finding myself becoming more open-minded than ever before on this parenting journey. Of course, my every present litmus test is My Lord Jesus Christ and His Word. If anything comes in conflict with HIM it is immediately thrown out. As my good friend Lindsay once told me, "all truth is God's truth". If it is true, it will be supported by Him and His Word.

With that I will direct you to two websites that have got me thinking lately. If you are a Christian and have thoughts about them please post a comment!